Decided to go back and review another show that I’d previously reviewed a single match from so tonight we’re getting extreme as I check out an episode of ECW from the WWE revival era. Let the bodies hit the floor…
We’re in the Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan for tonight’s installment with Joey Styles and Taz(z?) calling the action. They hype up tonight’s main event which will see the ECW World Champion defend against Big Dave Batista but first we got some Extreme Rules tag team action on deck!
Match 1: The Sandman & Tommy Dreamer vs. Test & Mike Knox (w/ Kelly Kelly)
Extreme Rules Match
The Sandman heads out first. He’s up in the upper tier of the ballroom and bashes himself in the face with a beer can. While he slowly climbs down to the ring we get highlights of his ongoing feud with Mike Knox. Mike Knox continually uses Kelly Kelly as a human shield and at least once caused her to get blasted in the head by a kendo stick shot from The Sandman.
We cut back to what’s happening live and The Sandman finally makes it into the ring. He’s already bleeding. ECW! ECW! ECW!
Dreamer starts to head out and again we get some highlights. Dreamer’s apparently beefin’ with Paul Heyman who kissed him and then had Test beat on him. Back in the arena Dreamer gets in the ring with The Sandman who rubs his forehead on Dreamer’s, getting blood all over him.
Test and Mike Knox head out next accompanied by Knox’s exhibitionist girlfriend, Kelly Kelly. They have to walk through a narrow entrance way which leads to Kelly Kelly getting groped by ECW’s mutant fanbase as they head to the ring.
Things start off with Tommy Dreamer and Test because apparently no one remembers that this is an extreme rules match where anything goes. As they lock up and do some basic-ass professional wrestling, the crowd decided to chant, “YOU SUCK DICK!” I don’t know if they were being homophobic and chanting it at Knox and Test or misogynistic and chanting it at Kelly Kelly, but either way it’s a pretty bad look and the volume gets lowered really quickly.
Eventually The Sandman remembers that he doesn’t have to stand on the apron and wait for a tag like he’s Robert Gibson since this is an extreme rules match so he hits the ring and shit breaks down. Sandman fires off a goddamn dropkick which Styles cannot believe.
The action spills out to the floor where Dreamer gets crotched on top of the guardrail. Back in the ring Knox nails Sandman with a shoulder allowing him and Test to take over. Test gets Sandman’s Singapore cane but before he can disrespect Sandman by caning him with his own can, Dreamer comes in and makes the save. The ECW Originals then hit Knox and Test with a DDT and a White Russian Leg Sweep respectively to get back in the driver seat.
Dreamer and Sandman then head out and go under the ring for plunder and toss some trashcans and cookie sheets into the ring. The crowd at the Hammerstein Ballroom are not pleased by their choice in weaponry and demand tables. Dreamer and Sandman hop back out of the ring and go under the ring again and produce a barbed wire board instead of the demanded tables, causing Joey Styles to squeal with glee, “You can only see barbed wire boards in ECW!”
Dreamer and Sandman set up the board in the corner to satiate the crowd’s bloodlust and then look to send Knox into it with an Irish whip. Knox is able to put on the breaks though so Dreamer and Sandman look to double suplex him into it instead. Test shows back up and canes Dreamer and Sandman to make the save.
“You take steroids!” the crowd chants at him.
Dreamer is busted open and bleeding all over the place as he stands in the corner. Test goes for a corner charge but Dreamer moves out of the way and Test goes shoulder-first into the ringpost. Knox gets dumped to the floor and Sandman goes out after him to cane him but Kelly Kelly steps in front of her man to try and prevent Sandman from caning the shit out of him. Sandman does the gentlemanly thing and moves Kelly Kelly aside and then blasts Knox with the cane. He proceeds to cane Knox up the aisle to the announce table and then towards the back.
Dreamer then decides to bring Kelly Kelly into the ring. He twirls her around and then looks like he’s going to kiss her but instead puts her over his knee, shows the crowd her ass, and proceeds to spank her. ECW! ECW! ECW!
While Dreamer is spanking a young woman, Paul Heyman and his Security Enforcers show up and attack Dreamer who ends up getting thrown into the barbed wire board. The crowd chants “You sold out!” at Heyman who doesn’t seem to care as he and his Security Enforcers leave.
Dreamer rolls around in the barbed wire for a bit before Test gets back in the ring. He gets Dreamer out of the barbed wire only to slam him back into it a moment later because Test is a dick. Test picks Dreamer up out of the barbed wire again and hits the TKO to pick up the win.
Winners: Test & Mike Knox
Watching this in 2020 when WWE’s been PG for over a decade is kind of wild. There was barbed wire, guys were busted open, and we saw a woman’s ass. Truly a different time. Shock value aside I think the match was a fine tag team brawl. The hardcore spots they did (save for the barbed wire board stuff) were all pretty basic, trash cans and kendo sticks, but everyone worked hard and the crowd seemed into everything. While I’m generally not keen on fuck finishes, the finish we got here continued the ongoing feuds with Sandman and Knox as well as Dreamer and Paul Heyman. [**½]
Meanwhile Backstage…
Paul Heyman and his Security Enforcers (who are apparently the Basham Brothers) are walking through catering backstage. He passes some old timey ECW guys: Nunzio, Amish Roadkill, Stevie Richards, maybe a couple more but they all give him the cold shoulder for dicking Tommy Dreamer over so Heyman and the Bashams keep walking. They go through a door and run into Sabu.
Sabu tells Heyman that he wants Big Show but Heyman tells him that he already told him no. He tells Sabu to look at his scars. Heyman says that those scars mean that Sabu’ll do whatever it takes to win a match and he can’t risk that with his long term investment, The Big Show. Sabu doesn’t seem pleased by this.
Elsewhere Backstage…
CM Punk is here to talk about passion and how he quells his passion before a match, saving that passion for when he’s in the ring. Tonight the waiting is over. CM Punk makes his ECW debut!
Match 2: Justin Credible vs. CM Punk
Credible’s already in the ring when we return from break. CM Punk then heads out and the crowd is going absolutely bananas for him. As Punk makes his way down to the ring AJ Styles explains that Punk is straight edge which means he doesn’t drink, smoke, or do drugs and then wonders how Punk’s going to fit in in ECW with that sort of belief system. 🤣
The crowd is solidly behind Punk as the match begins and Punk easily takes Credible to the mat and does that thing where a dude propeller spins on top of a dude’s back which the dude is facedown on the mat to make that guy look like a dweeb. Credible gets back to his feet and they work to the corner where Punk hooks on some weirdo Anaconda Vice/Tarantula deal that I don’t think I’ve ever seen him use before.
Punk then looks for a springboard forearm but Credible counters and sort of tosses Punk as he comes flying into the ring. Credible follows this up by doing Eddie Guerrero’s Three Amigos, with the third suplex being a bridging Northern Lights suplex that earns him a near fall. Justin continues to rip-off better wrestlers than him by following this up with Lance Storm’s Canadian Maple Leaf (the rolling single leg Boston crab).
Punk powers out of the hold and fires off some kicks and punches to set up for the springboard clothesline. It connects and Punk covers but Credible kicks out at two. Punk stays on him, sending him into the corner and drilling Credible with a flying knee to the face. He then hits Justin with a bulldog to really get the crowd going.
Punk nails Credible with a high kick and then follows up with an uranage before slapping on the Anaconda Vice to pick up the submission win in his debut match. The crowd continues to lose its shit and the camera cuts to some dude in the crowd with a big “WELCOME HOME CM PUNK!” sign.
Winner: CM Punk
Pretty good debut here for Punk. He looked pretty good while on offense and sold pretty well when Credible, who got a decent amount of offense himself, was on the attack. Fun little TV match. [**]
Hype!
We get a music video hyping up Batista. The “music” sounds like a modem from the 1990s. I don’t know why they didn’t just use his dick-fuckin’-awesome “I WALK ALONE!” theme song for this.
Meanwhile on a Subway Train…
“The Reject” Shannon Moore is sitting on the floor of the train. There are clearly a bunch of empty seats he could be sitting in but is choosing instead to sit on the floor because he’s a weirdo.
Match 3: The Brooklyn Brawler vs. Kurt Angle
The Brooklyn Brawler’s in the ring when we return to the Hammerstein Ballroom. He gets on the mic and claims that he’s too extreme for Raw and too hardcore for SmackDown so he’s here in ECW and is looking to become the next ECW World Champion. Brawler gets a surprisingly good response from the crowd for all this though I’m not sure if that’s because they like him or just hate the fact that The Big Show’s the champion and would prefer anyone else.
Anyway Kurt Angle’s music hits and the crowd loses its shit. Angle hits the ring and almost immediately gets Brawler in the Ankle Lock. Brawler manages to get to the ropes for a break and after he gets back to his feet he gets in Angle’s face and tells him that he’s not afraid of him.
Angle responds to this by headbutting Brawler in the face and then immediately getting the Ankle Lock back on. This time there’s nowhere for Brawler to go so he taps out.
Winner: Kurt Angle
I have absolutely no idea why this match happened but the fact that Kurt Angle faced The Brooklyn Brawler in ECW in 2006 is one of those things that make me love wrestling. [**]
Hype!
We get a video hyping up The Big Show. He’s big and good at tossing fools around.
Meanwhile in a Dark Corridor…
Ariel is here to talk about how Kevin Thorn is going to take over ECW. I laugh like I do every time I’m reminded that ECW’s vampire was named Kevin. Kevin the Vampire then says that the blood of ECW’s is his. He and Ariel then make out. Lucky him.
Match 4: The Big Show (c) vs. Batista
ECW World Championship Match
The Big Show heads out first for some reason while Joey Styles and Tazz hype him up. “His arms are like legs and his legs are like people!” says Styles. They both seem to think that Big Show vs. Batista could headline WrestleMania. I suppose with a proper build it could have but I don’t think that match ever did serve as the WrestleMania main event. The crowd seems less inclined to agree and are chanting for “RVD!” as Show poses in the ring.
Batista heads out next and the crowd just shits all over him. Big Dave actually stops to give it back to some dude in the crowd as he makes his way down the aisle which is pretty hilarious.
As the music stops and Big Dave gets in the ring the booing begins. Tazz cannot believe that this is happening and with disbelief in his voice says, “They’re actually booing Batista!”
We get ring introductions for that Big Fight Feel™ but the crowd in the Hammerstein Ballroom just continue to boo Big Dave. Someone hurls a roll of toilet paper into the ring. Justin Roberts then announces the ECW Champion, The Big Show and the crowd doesn’t seem particularly enthralled by him either.
The bell rings and a deafening chant of “YOU BOTH SUCK!” begins almost immediately. They run into each other a few times, no-selling each other’s offense for a bit while the crowd continues to hurl abuse at them. Eventually Batista manages to boot Show between the ropes and out to the floor as we head to commercial break. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
“SAME OLD SHIT!” chants the crowd as we return from commercial break with Show controlling things in the ring.
Big Show responds to this by flipping them off. Show then looks to chokeslam Big Dave but Batista gets out of it only to get clotheslined down to the mat. The crowd is now chanting “CHANGE THE CHANNEL!” I don’t think Big Show can actually make out what they’re saying though because he responds to this latest chant by sniffing his armpit.
The announcers sure as fuck know what the crowd is saying though leading to Styles wonder why they would switch the channel they are are. “We like it here on Sci-Fi!” he says. Tazz has less of a positive take on the entire situation saying, “This crowd might start chanting for the ref next.”
Back in the ring Show slams Batista down and heads up onto the middle rope for a Vader Bomb. Big Dave, however, cuts him off with a superplex that leaves both men down on the mat.
“YOU STILL SUCK!” chant the crowd.
Batista avoids a charge and then hits Big Show with some shoulders in the corner. He tries to follow with clotheslines but they have little effect on Show. The Spear does though and Big Dave covers but only gets two.
The crowd (who is now chanting “BORING!”) is starting to get on Big Dave’s nerves and so he turns his attention to them. This allows Show to recover and chokeslam him for a near fall. Big Show grabs the title belt off the timekeeper’s table and very slowly swings it at Big Dave who easily ducks out of harm’s way. Show then lazily walks into a spinebuster.
Big Dave looks for the Batista Bomb but Big Show counters into a Kryptonite Krunch for another near fall. Big Show’s then like, “Why the fuck am I even bothering?” and picks the title belt back up and blasts Batista in the face with it in clear view of the referee to draw the DQ.
Sabu then hits the ring with a chair and wrecks Big Show’s shit with an Arabian Facebuster while the crowd goes bananas. Show rolls out to the apron and pulls himself back to his feet while Sabu heads back up top and proceeds to dropkick the chair into Show who then falls off the apron and through the timekeeper’s table to the delight of the crowd.
Sabu’s music plays and he poses (and highfives some random fans) up on the stage to end the show.
Winner: Batista
This was a weird match. It was pretty much the every “Main Event Guy vs. Main Event Guy for the Title but it’s on TV not PPV” match in the history of the WWE; nothing flashy but perfectly cromulent Big Man wrestling shit all the same but the crowd was absolutely NOT having any of it. At times it was kind of funny but none of it was really warranted based on what was happening in the ring and overall they kind of ruined the match for me.
At least whoever booked this was smart enough to have Sabu run out at the end and hit people with chairs to send the mutants home happy. [-**]
Final Thoughts
Overall this was a pretty fun episode. The opening match was a decent bloody brawl, CM Punk’s debut match was cool and even the weirdness of seeing Kurt Angle vs. The Brooklyn Brawler in an ECW ring was pretty enjoyable. The main event was kind of ruined by the audience who spent the entirety of the match shitting on everything until Sabu showed up. Even then, the match itself wasn’t awful even if the crowd was.
If you’re looking for an easy to watch 45 minutes (without commercials) episode of wrestling action this one’s well worth checking out.
Atomic Drop 