We get the old Saturday Night Live Band style Raw opening with wild saxophones and shit. The title card is emblazoned with “Happy Anniversary.” We head in to the arena where Shawn Michaels and Vince McMahon are standing by to introduce us to the second anniversary of WWF Monday Night Raw.
Of the “Big Four” WWE PPVs my favorite has always been the Royal Rumble. Sure WrestleMania has bigger marquee matches but there’s something awesome about seeing a bunch of dudes clubbering one another and tossing each other out of the ring and seeing what random legend they bring back in to throw a couple dudes out of the ring before ultimately getting eliminated.
Today we’re going to take a look at the 2009 edition of the Royal Rumble coming to us from the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit.
Mankind’s Hardcore Championship is on the line in a ladder match, but the deck is stacked against him. Can Mankind overcome the odds or with The Corporation reign supreme? Watch this match and find out!
Welcome to Walton, Kentucky where Kevin Kelly is standing outside the house of Brian Pillman for an interview that will be conducted later in the night to give an update on the condition of his ankle after receiving surgery on it last week after Steve Austin had destroyed it.
Stone Cold Steve Austin had threatened to come to Pillman’s house and finish the job, but up to this point Austin had not showed…
Fireworks explode and JR and Lawler welcome us to Monday Night Raw. Shawn Michaels is not with them this week, at least not yet. JR gives us a rundown of some of the matches scheduled for tonight and says that before any of that can get underway WWF owner, Mr. McMahon has some shit to say about what happened last week.
We kick things off with a recap of the Attitude Era antics of last week’s main event where Undertaker, dressed as Kane, beat Mankind to become the number one contender for the WWF World Heavyweight Championship by hitting him in the head with a chair. We get our opening theme song and then go live to a sold out arena somewhere in New Jersey where JR welcomes us and assures us that both The Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin are here tonight.
Welcome everyone to Monday Night Raw! This is a review of the very first episode of Monday Night Raw. Why? Because WWE had it up on YouTube in its entirety and I, for some unknown reason, decided to watch it. Let’s get to reviewing!
Pre-Show Saturday Night Slam
Todd Pettengill is at home I guess. He has cardboard cutouts of Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels in his living room that he greets when he sees them. His life seems the saddest. He has a giant pizza and sacks of snacks and a million cans of Coke to watch a mid-90s In Your House PPV alone.
A pair of women with lesbian haircuts who clearly hate Pettengill join him later as he highlights the most important matches of the upcoming show. This is actually pretty helpful if like me you are randomly watching an In Your House PPV from 1995 in 2017 completely devoid of context aside from some vague recollection of stuff you’d might have seen on TV 22 years ago. If it was 1995 and you’d been watching it as it happened and had been following WWF from week to week the only thing of any importance that happens here is Gorilla Monsoon talking about how Shawn Michaels had been attacked by a gang in Syracuse several weeks early and might not be able to compete but assured us an Intercontinental Championship match would take place. Oh shit this is that PPV?
Todd Pettengill wraps things up by shoving pizza in the face of a little girl who randomly appeared and the show gets underway.
We’re in Sheffield, England tonight for this exciting card of seven bouts of grappling. Our hosts for the evening are genuine British person, Lord Alfred Hayes, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and recent WWF hire, Jim Ross. Let’s get down to the ring for action!
Vince McMahon is in the ring in a tuxedo. He’s growly as fuck as he welcomes us to WrestleMania X and then introduces the original wild man of rock n’ roll, Marc Mero Little Richard to sing “America the Beautiful,”
Little Richard appears and does the song all slow jammy before redoing it with a gospel choir. The crowd looks bored as fuck but someone in the crowd begins waving an American flag nonetheless. It’s WrestleMania X y’all!
Jerry Lawler is out with McMahon. He’s shirtless sporting a cape and a crown botching his lame dad boner jokes while heaping praise on Yokozuna.