Welcome everyone to Monday Night Raw! This is a review of the very first episode of Monday Night Raw. Why? Because WWE had it up on YouTube in its entirety and I, for some unknown reason, decided to watch it. Let’s get to reviewing!
Pre-Show Saturday Night Slam
Todd Pettengill is at home I guess. He has cardboard cutouts of Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels in his living room that he greets when he sees them. His life seems the saddest. He has a giant pizza and sacks of snacks and a million cans of Coke to watch a mid-90s In Your House PPV alone.
A pair of women with lesbian haircuts who clearly hate Pettengill join him later as he highlights the most important matches of the upcoming show. This is actually pretty helpful if like me you are randomly watching an In Your House PPV from 1995 in 2017 completely devoid of context aside from some vague recollection of stuff you’d might have seen on TV 22 years ago. If it was 1995 and you’d been watching it as it happened and had been following WWF from week to week the only thing of any importance that happens here is Gorilla Monsoon talking about how Shawn Michaels had been attacked by a gang in Syracuse several weeks early and might not be able to compete but assured us an Intercontinental Championship match would take place. Oh shit this is that PPV?
Todd Pettengill wraps things up by shoving pizza in the face of a little girl who randomly appeared and the show gets underway.
We’re in Sheffield, England tonight for this exciting card of seven bouts of grappling. Our hosts for the evening are genuine British person, Lord Alfred Hayes, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and recent WWF hire, Jim Ross. Let’s get down to the ring for action!
Vince McMahon is in the ring in a tuxedo. He’s growly as fuck as he welcomes us to WrestleMania X and then introduces the original wild man of rock n’ roll, Marc Mero Little Richard to sing “America the Beautiful,”
Little Richard appears and does the song all slow jammy before redoing it with a gospel choir. The crowd looks bored as fuck but someone in the crowd begins waving an American flag nonetheless. It’s WrestleMania X y’all!
Jerry Lawler is out with McMahon. He’s shirtless sporting a cape and a crown botching his lame dad boner jokes while heaping praise on Yokozuna.
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Until the double Doink run-in at the end of this match, every single person involved in this match has a mullet. Crush has a mullet. Shawn Michaels has a mullet. “Big Daddy Cool” Diesel has a mullet. Even the referee has a pretty decent starter mullet.
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During the match Shawn Michaels gets knocked out due to hitting the guardrail on the outside. Fellow Rocker, Marty Jannetty (wearing an awesome Overkill t-shirt) comes out to help his friend and does so by rolling an unconscious Shawn Michaels into the ring to avoid being counted out. Ric Flair promptly pins the unconscious Shawn Michaels. Roughly three weeks later Shawn Michaels would kick Jannetty’s head through a window in Brutus the Barber Beefcake’s Barber Shop.