Lucha Underground (November 30, 2016)

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We kick things off with a Previously on Lucha Underground reel showing us Black Lotus getting her arm broke by Pentagon Dark and then showing up with a gaggle of Japanese ladies to wreck shit on him. It’s time to Lucha!

Meanwhile Backstage…

Pentagon Dark encounters Vampiro who tells him that we all have to eventually pay for our sins and even if Pentagon survives tonight, he’s still going to pay. Pentagon’s slogan should be Zero Fucks rather than Zero Fear because that’s precisely how many fucks he gives here.

Meanwhile In The Temple…

Some kind of band wearing lucha masks is playing as Matt Striker welcomes us to Lucha Underground. Tonight Pentagon Dark will be facing the Black Lotus triad in a gauntlet match, which I guess is like four matches for the price of one. Striker tries to get Vampiro to talk, but Vampiro is not having it.

Match 1: Pentagon Dark vs. Doku (Kairi Hojo)

Pentagon heads out to a chorus of cheers. The fans love him. Matt Striker attempts to tell us that he’s getting a mixed reaction, which clearly is not the case. He is probably the most over dude on the roster. Doku comes out clad in leather with a leather jacket draped over her shoulders like a cape.

Striker tries to get Vampiro to talk about what Doku’s name means, but Vamp tells some story about a samurai who went to a monk to asked about the difference between heaven and hell. The monk told the samurai that he was a scumfuck and would teach him nothing so the samurai got pissed and drew his sword to kill the monk at which point the monk said, “This is what hell is.” Striker is like, “Are you talking about you and Pentagon?” to which Vampiro replies, “Just watch the match…”

Doku does not appear to be afraid of Pentagon. Matt Striker refers to Pentagon Dark as, either a “skeleton ninja” or a “ninja skeleton.” I can’t remember which, but either way it’s hilarious.

Doku and Pentagon meet in the center of the ring and exchange strikes. Doku gets the better of Pentagon. He staggers into the corner but comes leaping out with a dropkick that sends Doku halfway across the ring.

She gets back to her feet and charges Pentagon. Doku hits some chops and slaps which cause Pentagon to stop fucking around. He lays her out with a brutal superkick. Doku is writhing in pain on the mat as Pentagon takes control. He lays in some chops of his own and then tosses her out of the ring.

He continues to take out his aggression on her on the outside. He whips her into the wall and superkicks her before press slamming Doku into the ring apron. The crowd loves him for this.

A chant of “This is awesome!” breaks out for the violence committed against a woman as Pentagon rolls Doku back into the ring. He kicks her in the thigh again but Doku rallies and goes for a spear. Pentagon catches her and gets her up for a slam but she escapes and hits the ropes, connecting this time with the spear. Doku goes up top and hits a massive flying elbow drop.

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The crowd seems to approve of this so she goes up for a second elbow drop. This time she seems to be aiming for Pentagon’s dick, but when she lands he catches her in his arm breaker. Pentagon breaks her arm and the ref calls for the bell. Pentagon is declared the winner via referee stoppage.

Winner: Pentagon Dark

Purely looking at the wrestling involved this match was okay. Kairi Hojo’s elbow drop was fantastic and Pentagon, as always, looked good in the ring, but this was an intergender match and as such had a bunch of other baggage that came with it; baggage that left me feeling gross after watching the match.

I know now why I’ve never before seen an intergender match in which the man was the face and the woman was the heel. Hearing the audience chant, “THIS IS AWESOME!” after Pentagon hurled about a woman that he probably outweighed by nearly 100 pounds and kicked her in the face was kind of disgusting. [**]

Meanwhile Backstage…

Sami Callihan is pumping iron when Catrina shows up and says that it’s a shame what happened to his girlfriend, Ivelisse. Callihan’s like, “It’s pretty weird that she got hurt after she challenged you to a match at Ultima Lucha…”

Catrina appears behind him and says that he was responsible for bringing her there and that she knows he doesn’t really love Ivelisse since he loves her. Catrina knows it’s true because he wears a part of the stone he stole from her around his neck. She tells Callihan it’s too bad though because she loves someone else and then licks his face.

Meanwhile in the Ring…

Pentagon gets on the mic and promises to break more bones. He doesn’t care how many members of the Black Lotus Triad there are. He’ll break all their arms and then he’ll break Black Lotus in two.

Match 2: Pentagon Dark vs. Yurei (Mayu Iwatani)

Melissa Santos does the introductions for the the second match of Pentagon’s gauntlet. He’s already in the ring, so that just leaves Yurei. She comes out and we go to commercial break.

The match gets started after we return from break. They run the ropes and take turns arm dragging one another. Eventually Yurei knocks Pentagon out to the floor and then hits a beautiful cross body from the top rope that takes out Pentagon. The audience actually applauds this.

They brawl ringside. Yurei throws Pentagon into the walls than repeatedly rams his head into the wooden chairs at ringside. She brings him over to the announce table and proceeds to brain him with the ring bell. She then chucks him into the bleachers.

Pentagon starts battling back and they exchange strikes before heading back into the ring. Yurei tries to kick Pentagon but he gets her in a single leg crab of some sort. Yurei won’t tap and manages to get to the ropes. Pentagon’s in control now. He stomps on her leg and chops the fuck out of her.

Yurei mounts a bit of a comeback, laying in some kicks and then nails him with a huracanrana. She goes up top for a double foot stomp that earns her a two count. She hits a tornado DDT and then leaps at Pentagon, but he catches her and she gets her shit ruined with a package piledriver. Pentagon then breaks her arm and the ref rings the bell.

Winner: Pentagon Dark

This was slightly less gross than the first match was. Mayu Iwatani got a lot more offense in so the match consisted of a  lot less of a man just beating the fuck out of a woman this time around. The audience, though still firmly behind Pentagon, also cheered for Iwatani beating the fuck out of him, so I guess maybe they just enjoy violence regardless of who the victim is. [**]

Meanwhile Backstage…

Matanza is in his cell, slamming his fists into the wall and growling. Dario Cuerto shows up and tells him that he next week it shouldn’t be hard for him to get his Lucha Underground Championship back.

Matanza yells, “NO!” and Dario tries to convince Matanza to get the title back but Matanza yells “NO!” some more. Dario asks him what he wants then if he doesn’t want the title and Matanza screams, “MYSTERIO!”

Dario notices that Matanza’s fists are all blood and the camera pans away to show that Matanza had drawn a giant question mark in blood on the wall.

Match 3: Pentagon Dark vs. Hitokiri (Io Shirai)

Pentagon Dark’s night continues as Hitokiri makes her way to the ring. Pentagon doesn’t notice her as she climbs up on to the top rope and nails him with a missile dropkick. She then hits a suicide dive over the top rope onto Pentagon that causes the audience to chant “Holy Shit!”

Hitokiri gets a chair and brutalizes Pentagon with it. She’s in complete control as she tosses Pentagon around, throwing him into the chairs at ringside. Vampiro sounds like he’s jerking off as this happens. Hitokiri pulls up the mat at ringside and slams Pentagon onto the exposed concrete.

They head back into the ring. Hitokiri stays in control for a bit, but Pentagon gets in control after a low blow. He then beats her down, laying in some heavy strikes and blasting her with a kick to the face. He then dumps her outside the ring. Pentagon hurls her into the wooden chairs at ringside. The crowd again chants, “HOLY SHIT!”

Pentagon gets an electrical cable and whips Hitokiri with it for a bit and then begins to choke her with it. A lady in the audience does not look pleased to see this. Everyone else is cheering. Pentagon wraps the cable around the ring post to aid in choking Hitokiri out.

When he gets bored of strangling a woman, Pentagon gets a steel chair and batters Hitokiri with it. He then hurls her into the wooden folding chairs again. I’m pretty sure Vampiro has jizzed in his pants. Pentagon pulls up the mat and gives Hitokiri a Death Valley Driver onto the exposed concrete.

Pentagon sets up a steel chair at ringside and whips Hitokiri into it, but she puts on the breaks before she crashes into it and manages to drop toe hold Pentagon onto it. She then, on wobbly legs, climbs the stairs, pushes people out of the way and climbs onto the top of Dario Cueto’s office, and…

Io Shirai.gif

THIS HAPPENED! She then drags Pentagon’s corpse back into the ring, but Pentagon’s like, “F you, time for more violence against women!” and goes for a package piledriver, but Hitokiri’s like, “This match hasn’t had enough high spots yet…CANADIAN DESTROYER!!!!”

An anti-climactic three count later, Hitokiri is declared the winner.

Winner: Hitokiri

I’m conflicted about this match. A lot of it was very good. A lot of it was cringeworthy. Ultimately though, Io Shirai is really one of the best in the world right now man or woman so having her do the same sort of garbage match guys like Axl Rotten and New Jack had in ECW back in 1995 seems beneath her.

Also what the fuck Lucha Underground? Why do you have to continue the match after a spot like Shirai jumping off a goddamn building? Have that be the end. She should have just rolled him in and pinned him. No hope spot. No counter into a Canadian Destroyer. Just pin him and put it to bed. [**⅝]

Match 4: Black Lotus vs. Pentagon Dark

I don’t understand the rules to this match. Pentagon lost, shouldn’t he be done? I guess he still has to face Black Lotus though. She comes out with Yurei and Doku. Both of them are clutching their arms but not wearing slings. God does that make this seem so rinky dink. Put them in a goddamn sling if you’re trying to give the appearance that they’ve got busted arms.

Referee Marty Elias checks with Pentagon and seems to be waiting for him to get to his feet for the match to begin. Black Lotus is not going to wait though. She kicks Marty Elias in the face and starts putting the boots to Pentagon. The crowd is chanting, “BREAK HIS ARM!” at her, so she does precisely that.

Black Lotus and her Stardom Trio are standing tall when Dragon Azteca appears at the top of the stairs. He has beef with both Pentagon and Black Lotus. He hits the ring and he and Black Lotus have a staredown, but Black Lotus and the Triad back out of the ring.

Dragon Azteca screams, “THIS IS MY VENGEANCE!” in Spanish and then breaks Pentagon Dark’s other arm as the show ends and Vampiro stands at ringside smiling.

Winner: N/A

Not really a match since the bell never rang. As a bit of plot and a coda to the three preceding matches it was fine, as a stand alone match it was nothing. [NR]

Post-Credit Scene

Prince Puma wakes up in the casket that Mil Muertes put him in and gasps. A dude in corpse paint is standing over him. I think it’s Vampiro. There are some candles and shit that get blown out and a voice that I know is Vampiro says, “Come with me.”

The final scene of this week’s show has Prince Puma waking up in the casket, that Mil Muertes put him in. Vampiro is standing over him. Vampiro has his face painted. Almost looking like a death mask. Vamp tells Puma, “Come with me”. As the show ends.

Final Thoughts

There was some decent wrestling here that was kind of ruined by the nastiness of an audience cheering for a man beating the fuck out of women. I don’t care that Matt Striker pretends that Pentagon is not really that popular. I have ears, I can hear them chanting and cheering for the dude. Striker can claim that the cheers are a mockery all he wants, but it’s not true. No one chants a wrestler’s catchphrase or gives him high fives as he makes his way to the ring in mockery. Does not happen Matt Striker.

I know ultimately the women got their revenge and broke Pentagon’s arms, but not before he spent like 40 minutes just beating the fuck out of tiny, tiny women. If they really wanted to do this story line couldn’t they have gotten some female hosses? Like Aja Kong or Bull Nakano type ladies so the optics of it aren’t as terrible as they were here?

All in all, I thought there was some okay wrestling, but too much of it was gross and made me uncomfortable to watch. Your mileage may vary depending on how much you enjoy bulky skeleton ninjas beating the shit out of tiny Japanese women.

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