The first ever Saturday Night’s Main Event begins with Cyndi Lauper and Wendi Richter discussing strategy. Lauper tells Richter to, “make sure, Wendi, that Moolah doesn’t grab your hair, you know she loves to do that,” while Wendi Richter nods and is like “Right, right…”
We go next to Hulk Hogan and Mr. T. Hogan yells some stuff about his match with Bob Orton while Mr. T uses some sort of weird arm exercise bar thing. Mr. T has on work gloves for some reason. He cuts a promo on Piper and says, “I PITY THAT FOO!” Hogan also pities that fool and then tells us to, “Kick back and relax for Saturday Night’s Main Event!”
Following some opening credits we go ringside where we are joined by our announce team for the evening: Vince McMahon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura. They sort of stumble through an introduction of the matches to be featured on the card and then we get down to the ring for action!
Match 1: The Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff and George “The Animal” Steele (w/ Freddie Blassie) vs. Ricky Steamboat, Mike Rotundo and Barry Windham (w/ Captain Lou Albano)
The heels come out and Nikolai Volkoff sings the Soviet national anthem and then the Iron Sheik does his, “Russia #1! Iran #1! USA? PTUEY!” shtick to a chorus of boos. Getting heat in the 80s seems easy as hell. Be foreign, criticize the United States…instant heat!
The faces come out to “Born In The USA,” because I’m watching a version taped off television when it first was broadcast.
Windham and Sheik start things off with Windham completely dominating. Rotundo tags in and leaps into action hitting a single ax from the top rope to the Sheik’s arm. Quick tag to Steamboat who hits the same move.
Steamboat works the arm for a bit and tags in Rotundo so they can hit a double back elbow. Rotundo hits a slam and covers for two and then tags Steamboat back in. Steamboat hits some karate chops and goes back to the Sheik’s arm.
The Sheik whips Steamboat into the ropes and catches him with an abdominal stretch, but Steamboat escapes with a hiptoss. All six men hit the ring and are clubbering. The faces clear the ring and then proceed to smile and hug each other center ring as we go to commercial. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
We return to see Steamboat powerslamming Sheik. He then goes up top and nails Sheik with a missile dropkick. Steamboat goes back up top again. This time he nails the Sheik with a flying bodypress that earns him a two count.
Volkoff gets the LUKEWARM TAG and comes in to get beat down by Steamboat and Windham. A stereo dropkick gets a two count on Volkoff. Rotundo is tagged back in and takes down Volkoff with another double back elbow. Some standing leg drops follow and Rotundo covers for two. Rotundo goes for a series of pins but he can’t keep Volkoff down.
Windham comes in and gets sunset flip on Volkoff, but they’re in the ropes. Volkoff gets to his corner and Steele tags in. Steele tries to trade blows with Windham, but thinks better of it and tries to make the tag. Sheik and Volkoff drop off the apron however and refuse to make the tag. As Steele is arguing with them, Windham comes up from behind and rolls up Steele for a three count.
After the match Steele eats a turnbuckle and while his back is turned the tag team champs jump him from behind. Steele fights them off and sends them packing and then Captain Lou comes into the ring and tries to calm down Steele.
Winners: Ricky Steamboat, Barry Windham & Mike Rotundo
A solid opening match, though it was structured kind of oddly since the faces ran wild from the first bell and the heels got very little offense in. I guess it makes sense since the face team consisted of Steamboat, who everyone agrees is one of the best technical wrestlers of all time, and Windham and Rotundo who were both really good in the ring, if somewhat overlooked.
It was a fun match with a hot crowd and sometimes that’s all you need. It would have been a better match if the heel team could work at the same speed that Steamboat & Company were but what are you gonna do? [***]
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Mean Gene is somewhere near the exit from the ringside area and tries to interview The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff about why they wouldn’t take the tag from George “The Animal” Steele as they leave. They mumble some stuff before Steele shows up and starts clubbering dudes.
Back to the ring for Piper’s Pit. He has Paul Orndorff with him as his guest. Orndorff is wearing tennis shoes and a pair of tiny white shorts. Piper tells him to sit down so they can talk about WrestleMania, but Orndorff won’t sit with “Cowboy” Bob Orton standing nearby, so Piper sends Orton to the corner.
Piper then tells him to sit again, but Orndorff is like, “Ladies first.” Get it?! Piper has a kilt on! A kilt looks like a skirt which makes Piper a lady! Oh that’s a good one Paul Orndorff!
Anyway the interview gets underway with Piper calling Orndorff garbage and a loser for getting pinned at WrestleMania and Orndorff is like, “You’ve been drinking too much of your own bathwater!” I have no idea what it means but it pissed off Piper who took a swing at Orndorff.
Orndorff grabs Piper by the head and just shakes his head about before setting up for the piledriver. Orton runs over and slams his forearm, which is in a cast thus imbuing it with magical powers, into Orndorff’s skull.
Mr. T runs out to make the save and the crowd goes absolutely insane.
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Mean Gene is standing by with Hulk Hogan to get the Hulkster’s take on what just happened. He says its typical behavior from the sort of dudes they need to get out of the WWF and then says he’s glad that Mother’s Day is coming up because he has a special surprise. “This is gonna be a special match for my mother brother!”
Gene asks him about Paul Orndorff and Hogan replies that he’s seen a change in Paul Orndorff ever since the Hulkamaniacs got behind him and began cheering for him. He hopes that Orndorff keeps it up and then asks what Bob Orton’s gonna do when Hulkmania runs wild on him.
Gene Okerlund can dig it.
Match 2: Hulk Hogan (w/ Mr. T) vs. Cowboy Bob Orton (w/ Rowdy Roddy Piper)
This is really weird. Why is the WWF World Heavyweight Championship match second on the card? There must be something really amazing as the main event then. Hogan comes out to “Eye of the Tiger,” and we go to commercials. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
We come back and Mr. T has joined Hogan in the ring. He and Hulk proceed to rip off each others’ shirts causing Vince McMahon to have an orgasm and scream, “Oh yeah! Look at this!”
Orton attacks at the bell but Hulk does his standard issue opening match stuff where he beats down his opponent who tries to escape from the unbridled fury that is Hulkamania. Orton’s still got his chaps on as Hogan spams body slams on him.
Orton bails to the floor to regroup with Piper on the outside. Ventura puts this over as great strategy stating, “Orton is a wily veteran and he’s got the superplex.” Oh that most devastating of maneuvers the superplex!
Orton comes back in and nails Hogan with a knee to the gut and then whips him into the corner. Orton charges but hits the ringpost shoulder first allowing Hogan to take control.
Hogan works over Orton’s broken arm and bites Orton’s face as the ref watches. Hulk Hogan is such a heel. He is slamming Orton’s cast into the ringpost and snapping it over the top rope. Hogan’s a mean motherfucker. He whips Orton, but Orton reverses it and hits a running knee to Hogan’s chest.
He hits and ATOMIC DROP and covers Hogan for two. Orton stays on Hogan, hitting him with knee and elbow drops. The crowd starts cheering for Hogan which means it won’t be long until he HULKS UP!
Hogan does not disappoint. He HULKS UP and hits a clothesline and an elbow drop out of the corner that gets a two count. Hogan gets Orton in the corner and starts unloading on him with punches as the audience counts along. He gets about four in before Orton hits an INVERTED ATOMIC DROP!
Orton sets up Hogan for the superplex, but Hogans fights him off and the hits him with an elbow that drops Orton. Hogan hits the ropes and nails Orton with his leg drop and pins Orton, but gets punched in the face by Piper from the outside. The ref sees the blatant cheating and calls for the bell giving Hogan the win by DQ.
Orton and Piper go after Hogan so Mr. T hits the ring. They beat on him for a bit and then turn their attention to Hogan and slowly stalk him as the ref holds back Mr. T. Orndorff runs in to save the Hulkster and the heels hightail it out of the ring.
Winner: Hulk Hogan
Your standard issue Hulk Hogan match. Hogan gets some heelish offense in. His opponent takes control. Hogan sells and sells and sells until he stops selling. Hogan makes his comeback. Leg drop. Pin. Win.
I guess the only differences this time were he didn’t point at Bob Orton and bellow, “YOU!” when he Hulked up and he won the match by DQ rather than pinfall, other than that this Hulk Hogan match is interchangeable with pretty much every other Hulk Hogan match that ever took place. [*]
Meanwhile In The Ring…
We come back from commercial break to find Hogan, T, and Orndorff still in the ring. They are all shirtless and having a pose down. Vince McMahon is losing his goddamn mind.
“Look at that! You talk about beefcake! Oh baby!” he screams.
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Mean Gene is backstage with Cyndi Lauper and Captain Lou Albano. They talk briefly about Wendi Richter’s upcoming title defense before talking about the Rock n’ Wrestling Connection and her new music video for “Goonies R Good Enough,” which they then play. This made me super happy because it’s a goddamn fantastic song.
We head back to Mean Gene and Cyndi Lauper at the end of the video. Roddy Piper shows up and gets in Cyndi Lauper’s face for getting most of his stuff cut out of the video and says that it was a fine video until Lauper started singing.
He gets way too animated and spits in Lauper’s face inadvertently causing her to say, “I wanted the news, not the weather report,” and we go to commercial.
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Mean Gene is with The Fabulous Moolah. She’s sporting dollar sign earrings and sunglasses. Sasha Banks has pretty much jacked her look…
Moolah had gone to the higher ups of the WWF (Jack Tunney maybe?) and has a document signed by them banning Cyndi Lauper from ringside for her continuous interference in Moolah’s matches. The document looks like a royal decree from some movie about knights of the code.
Moolah then heads down to the ring through a sea of fans that touch her boobs and stuff. I mean there are cops that kind of push through the masses before Moolah has to walk through but there’s still clearly some boob touching going on.
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Mean Gene is standing by with Cyndi Lauper, Wendi Richter and some random dude with long hair who might have been the mechanic guy in the “Goonies R Good Enough,” video. Gene asks Cyndi what she thinks about the ban. Cyndi’s like, “Moolah’s the one who interferes, not me! Remember what happened at WrestlingMania?!”
She and Wendi Richter then head to the ring to “She Bop,” a song about female masturbation that was for some reason a huge hit in the 1980s. The fans grope Cyndi Lauper a lot and she looks super pissed. For some reason she is in front of the cops that are clearing the way.
Meanwhile In The Ring…
Moolah gives her scroll to the ref who looks it over and then hands it off to Howard Finkel who gets on the house mic and reads the scroll which more or less declares that Cyndi Lauper has been banned from the arena floor during the match.
Cyndi Lauper gets carted off and we go to commercial break.
Match 3: Wendi Richter vs. The Fabulous Moolah
Back from break and we see Cyndi Lauper watching the match on a monitor over by where Mean Gene had been interviewing dudes all night. The match had apparently gotten started during the break because when we go to the ring they are in the corner and Moolah is yanking on Richter’s hair and throwing her about.
Moolah gets Richter up against the ropes and kicks her in the tits, sending her to the floor. Moolah turns her back to celebrate and Richter comes back in and dropkicks Moolah in the ass, sending her out of the ring and down to the concrete floor.
Moolah heads back in and hits a backdrop for one. She chops Richter and goes for some sort of slam, but Wendi Richter catches her in a SMALL PACKAGE FROM OUTTA NOWHERE for the win.
Lauper jumps up and down at her monitor and then hauls ass down to the ring, getting molested in the process. God does she look pissed as she makes her way through the throngs of groping Long Islanders.
She and the man with long hair celebrate in the ring with Wendi Richter as “She Bop,” plays again.
Winner: Wendi Richter
A nothing match that was more about Cyndi Lauper than either of the women competing in the ring. [*]
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Mean Gene is with JYD and his mom, Bertha. She’d never been to New York City before so he brought her up for Mother’s Day.
Match 4: Junkyard Dog (w/ Bertha) vs. Pete Doherty
Pete Doherty is in the ring already as JYD comes out to “Another One Bites the Dust.” He gives his mom a seat at ringside and then headbutts Doherty before his music even finishes. A clothesline and then lots and lots of headbutts.
More headbutts! Vince calls JYD a “big bull mastiff. Doherty throws some punches that JYD no sells. MORE HEADBUTTS! Doherty tries to go up top, but JYD cuts him off and hurls him halfway across the ring. He keeps the momentum going with more headbutts.
JYD hits an atomic drop that Vince refers to as a “knee to the lower spine area.” He hits a powerslam and covers. JYD gets the win and brings his mom into the ring to dance with her. “MOMMA BERTHA GETTIN’ DOWN WITH THE DOG!” screams Vince McMahon.
Winner: Junkyard Dog
A squash match of zero importance whatsoever. Headbutt… [NR]
A bunch of the wrestlers are gathered together in a kayfabe breaking Mother’s Day Celebration. JYD thanks his mom and she says that she’s very proud of him. Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff talk smack about Cyndi Lauper because she sent their invitations late and they couldn’t invite their mothers. Sheik calls Mean Gene, “Gene Mean,” and Volkoff is like, “My mother she live in Moscow…you think she can get on plane today and come here?”
Freddie Blassie introduces a smoking hot 80s babe as his mother. Mean Gene is a dirty old man and tries to put the moves on Freddie Blassie’s “mom” but Blassie isn’t having it.
Captain Lou Albano then recites a poem for Cyndi Lauper’s mom. Is Captain Lou kayfabe Cyndi Lauper’s dad? I know he was always her dad in all those music videos from the 80s.
Hogan says some shit about his mom and then rambles about the party being great except for the Sheik and Volkoff being there.
Gene talks to Cyndi Lauper and her mom and Wendi Richter. Wendi’s mom isn’t there but is watching at home. She wishes her a happy Mother’s Day and then Moolah shows up. She was not invited apparently and is pissed off. She makes fun of Cyndi’s mom and says she must have been a shit mom if Cyndi Lauper is her daughter. She says that Cyndi Lauper looks like a scarecrow which pisses her off.
Cyndi Lauper attacks The Fabulous Moolah and sends her and Mean Gene into the giant cake that was conveniently sitting on a table near where they were arguing. Moolah hurls cake at Cyndi Lauper as Lauper scampers away and this segment thankfully comes to a close.
Meanwhile At The Announce Table…
Vince and Jesse “The Body” Ventura are here to wrap things up. Vince asks Ventura what the best part of the night was for him and he gleefully recounts Bob Orton ruining Paul Orndorff’s shit in Piper’s Pit. Vince tries to talk up Hulk Hogan’s DQ victory over Orton but Jesse Ventura is not having it.
We have brief commercial break and then Vince and Jesse return to bid us a good night and roll the credits.
Outside of the opening match the in ring action was kind of mediocre. Hogan’s match was every Hulk Hogan match ever so if that’s a thing you enjoy you’ll like this one too. The Women’s Championship match was nothing special and the JYD match was just a squash. It’s 80s WWF, so you shouldn’t really expect much beyond giant dudes clubbering and body slamming one another.
While the actual wrestling wasn’t that spectacular, there was some important plot stuff that kind of makes it worth watching. George Steele and Paul Orndorff both turn face here. Steele would, if memory serves correctly, stay face for the rest of his time in WWF. Orndorff would turn on Hogan again a short while later.