WWE

John Cena vs. Kane (WWE SmackDown October 1, 2010)

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This is a weird match. Nexus is there as lumberjacks. Cena beats them up and then just bails as The Undertaker shows up about halfway through so he and Kane can fight in the audience.

Matt Striker is on commentary doing his usual, Myspace emo-kid poetry commentary shtick. While it’s fine for Lucha Underground, it’s really awkward here. Todd Grisham is also on commentary, because Michael Cole apparently needs to seem hip and exciting.

2010 WWE is weird as fuck.

WWF Saturday Night’s Main Event (November 2, 1985)

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It’s time for another installment of Saturday Night’s Main Event. This one took place a couple days after Halloween so the opening montage of promos features a bunch of dudes in costumes while the music from the Halloween movie franchise plays in the background.

We’ve got Mean Gene dressed up as a pumpkin with Bobby Heenan dressed up as Davy Crockett getting ready for some sort of Halloween festivities. Gene asks if Heenan’s hat is a weasel, he insists that it’s a raccoon. Heenan is practicing for the pumpkin dunk later this evening.

What’s a pumpkin dunk you ask? It’s like bobbing for apples, but instead of apples there are pumpkins, and instead of water the tub is filled with chocolate for some reason. Maybe because they’re in Hersey, PA for this installment.

We head next to Hulk Hogan screaming about his upcoming match with Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy. You can tell he’s serious because he’s got his droopy ass headband on again. The last time he had that on he prevented a nuclear holocaust.

Andre shows up and chops him in the chest and is like, “Yo chillax Hogan, let’s go get ready for our match.”

Roddy Piper is dressed as Superman and is chilling with Jesse Ventura who is wearing a costume that’s probably more conservative than his normal attire. Ventura talks about how happy he is that Piper fucked up the Hillbilly wedding during the last Saturday Night’s Main Event.

Mean Gene is standing by with newcomers Terry Funk and “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart. Funk says that he’ll house train the JYD in their match tonight. Mean Gene criticizes Funk for having a mouth full of chaw, so Terry Funk spits it into the camera and we go to the Saturday Night’s Main Event intro.

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WWF Saturday Night’s Main Event (October 5, 1985)

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“WE ARE ON THE BRINK OF AN INTERNATIONAL CRISIS!” screams Mean Gene Okerlund.

What’s he talking about? Why the upcoming flag match between Nikolai Volkoff and Hulk Hogan of course!

Nikolai will not have a guilty conscious if the USSR launches nukes at the US because of the outcome of his flag match with Hulk Hogan. Hell, he says he’ll push the button himself. Or at least that’s what I think he said…it was a pretty marble-mouthed promo.

Hogan is standing by wearing the droopiest headband of all time. He vows to make sure that the only flag ever to fly in the US and A is the red, white and blue because he won’t have the little Hulkamaniacs being indoctrinated by a goddamn Bolshevik.

And now to domestic affairs! Mean Gene’s standing by with Hillbilly Jim and Uncle Elmer because there’s a hillbilly wedding taking place tonight provided we survive the nuclear strike that the Hogan vs. Volkoff match is sure to cause. Roddy Piper shows up to mock Uncle Elmer because Piper is the best and we go to the opening credits.

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WWE 205 Live (June 6, 2017)

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Tonight on a very special episode of 205 Live, TJ Perkins takes on the King of the Cruiserweights, Neville, in a match for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship. Here’s a highlight package to show how these two former allies got to this point!

Highlight reel taken care of, we get the opening credits and then head down to the ring for wrestling. As always our announcers for the evening are Corey Graves and Tom “Face Fucker” Phillips.

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WWE Saturday Morning Slam (March 30, 2013)

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“Good morning WWE Universe! It’s time for another hot episode of WWE Saturday Morning Slam! Today we’ve got two hot matches comin’ atcha! United States Champion, Antonio Cesaro takes on R. Truth in our main event, but first a battle between Tons of Funk and the Prime Time Players over who is the greatest dancing tag team!” announces the unseen Saturday Morning Slam announcer guy.

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WWF Saturday Night’s Main Event (May 11, 1985)

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The first ever Saturday Night’s Main Event begins with Cyndi Lauper and Wendi Richter discussing strategy. Lauper tells Richter to, “make sure, Wendi, that Moolah doesn’t grab your hair, you know she loves to do that,” while Wendi Richter nods and is like “Right, right…”

We go next to Hulk Hogan and Mr. T. Hogan yells some stuff about his match with Bob Orton while Mr. T uses some sort of weird arm exercise bar thing. Mr. T has on work gloves for some reason. He cuts a promo on Piper and says, “I PITY THAT FOO!” Hogan also pities that fool and then tells us to, “Kick back and relax for Saturday Night’s Main Event!”

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WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event (August 2, 2008)

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When I was a kid Saturday Night’s Main Event was kind of a big deal since most of the televised wrestling matches were King Kong Bundy or Ric Rude or whoever squashing the fuck out of S.D. Jones or some other job guy. If you wanted to see guys who could win taking on other guys who could win you had to order PPVs…or tune in to NBC a couple times a year. It was a decent concept, but it stopped being a thing in ’92.

In 2006 the WWE and NBC brought it back. It ran for a couple years before being replaced by Tribute for the Troops. This is, to date, the final Saturday Night’s Main Event.

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WWE United Kingdom Championship Tournament – Day Two (January 15, 2017)

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Day Two of the WWE’s United Kingdom Championship Tournament begins with a highlight package of Day One’s matches as well as Pete Dunne being a cunt as the show went off the air. Eight men of the original sixteen remain: Pete Dunne, Tyler Bate, Trent Seven, Mark Andrews, Sam Gradwell, Joseph Conners, Wolfgang and Jordan Devlin. One of these men will leave the theater tonight the inaugural WWE United Kingdom Champion!

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Stone Cold Steve Austin (WWF 2000)

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How did Kurt Angle never do one of these ads?

WWE 205 Live (May 23, 2017)

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Cold Open…

“Good evening, my name is The Brian Kendrick,” says The Brian Kendrick. He proceeds to narrate an account of his recent feud with Akira Tozawa and says that tonight he’s going to teach Tozawa one final lesson in a STREET FIGHT WITH WEAPONS!

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