This is the historic first episode of Impact. Prior to this TNA had just done weekly PPVs. There’s an opening montage of a bunch of exciting stuff from previous TNA events. We then get an off-camera Professor “Iron” Mike Tenay introducing the show as the camera pans around the Universal Studios Arena.
This is a pretty solid concept: a PPV from a major wrestling company that solely features women’s wrestling matches. Unfortunately the company in question is TNA and they have a pretty poor track record with…well, pretty much all the things. Let’s get ready to fumble!!!!
Back when he was still just a guy willing to get thrown into plates of glass and stabbed with a fork, the man who would become Dean “Titty Master” Ambrose wrestled a dark match in TNA, taking on a guy named Dr. Porter.
The match is nothing special really. Porter hits a bunch of spinbusters and back breakers before Ambrose picks up the win with a DDT, but it’s always weird to see wrestlers in companies they have nothing else to do with.
We’re in Cameron, North Carolina tonight for Total Nonstop Deletion. Senor Benjamin tells us (en Español) that we shouldn’t try this at home and Vanguard 1 informs us that no drones were harmed in the making of this event.
From there it’s time for a montage! Reby’s playing a piano. Matt Hardy’s in a dilapidated boat in the middle of a lake. Jeff Hardy is doing edgelord landscaping. Things are about to get broken!
Video Posted on Updated on
I kind of love that a batshit insane fight taking place outside a southern manor house has become the new steel cage match in wrestling. After the insanity that was the Final Deletion, WWE tried their hand at this sort of match with the Wyatt Family battling the New Day and the, quite frankly, fell very short of the high watermark set by the Final Deletion. So what happens when TNA goes back to the well a second time? You get Delete or Decay!
In the weeks leading up to this match Decay (Crazzy Steve, Abyss, and Rosemary) were being douchebags to the Hardy Boys: creeping around the Hardy compound and being creepy shits, as is their way, and so Matt Hardy challenged them to a bout since Decay was more or less asking to be deleted.
To call this a wrestling match is kind of a stretch. With the Final Deletion you at least had a ring for part of it. This time around there’s none of that. Decay arrive and encounter your pal and mine, Senor Benjamin, hard at work digging. They inquire as to what he’s digging and he straight up tells them, “I’m digging your graves, my friends.” It’s in Spanish, so I don’t know if they understand because they just walk past him. Senor Benjamin mugs for the camera and flips his shovel so we can see that “DELETE” has been painted on the reverse side.
Decay creep through the woods like goddamn horror movie murderers, and arrives at Hardy Manor and peer into Maxel’s window. It’s creepy as fuck, but Matt Hardy is here to emote spectacularly. “DECAY!!!!! I KNEW YOU’D COME!” He, Jeff “Brother Nero” Hardy, and Reby Sky chase after Decay with fireworks in a callback to the Final Deletion and Decay haul ass towards the dilapidated boat. Matt tells Reby to go back to the house and keep Maxel safe and the Hardy Boys go after Decay.
Abyss tells Rosemary to go get Maxel and she runs off. Jeff Hardy proceeds to dropkick the dilapidated boat barely knocking it into the water, thus dispatching Abyss. The Hardys run off to battle Crazzy Steve and Rosemary and Senor Benjamin stands up to collect the dilapidated boat. Suddenly from the water emerges…JOSEPH PARK (aka Abyss’ “brother”/alter ego). He’s all excited and asks Senor Benjamin if he knows where Abyss is. Senor Benjamin tasers him like a goddamn boss and then scoops him up with a Bobcat and drives off.
Crazzy Steve and Jeff “Brother Nero” Hardy are brawling near a fire next to a pool. They try to shove each other’s faces into the fire for awhile and then Jeff suplexes Crazzy Steve into the pool and the two fight under water.
While those two fight in the pool, Senor Benjamin buries Joseph Park in one of the graves he’d dug earlier.
Back at the pool Jeff puts Crazzy Steve in a sleeper hold underwater and basically drowns him. He then climbs out of the pool and sits beside it breathing heavily. Crazzy Steve pops out of the water Friday the Thirteenth style and pulls Jeff back in.
Back at the graves, Senor Benjamin has just completed his work when the grave suddenly busts open and Abyss, wielding a spiked 2×4 pops out and attacks. Senor Benjamin gets knocked out and Abyss goes after Rosemary to help her get Maxel.
Steve tries to rip out Jeff Hardy’s eyes and then runs off into the woods. His creepy face paint all came off in the pool, so he FUCKING REGENERATES HIS FACE PAINT!
Matt Hardy runs into Abyss who is going to whack him in the dick with a spiked 2×4, but Jeff Hardy pushes his brother out of the way and takes the spiked board to the dick intended for Matt. Melancholy piano music plays. Is Jeff Hardy supposed to be dead? It doesn’t matter because Matt Hardy’s drone, Vanguard 1 shows up and shoots more fireworks at Decay.
Decay attempt to flee the scene but the fireworks cause the ground around Crazzy Steve and Abyss to ignite and burn in some kind of shitty design. The flames are like a couple inches high, but Steve and Abyss act like they’ve been trapped in some kind of force field.
Back in the Hardy Manor, Reby has been knocked out and Rosemary is absconding with Maxel. Fucking Vanguard 1 shows up to stop her, but she hits the drone with Asian mist causing it to break. Is Vanguard 1 dead? Maybe, but his sacrifice was noble, because during the battle Maxel was able to escape. Rosemary calls out for him but instead Matt appears and calls her a witch. She attempts to mist Matt, but Matt inhales the mist and then blows it back at her and she runs off.
Maxel and Reby appear and Matt Hardy and his family stand triumphant, but are they really? Jeff “Brother Nero” is possibly dead, Vanguard 1 is destroyed, and Decay escaped, kidnapping a still unconscious Senor Benjamin as they went. And so ends Delete or Decay…
I didn’t know what to expect going in to this. The first one was pretty great. The one WWE did was not. Delete or Decay fell in the middle, though I thought it was closer to Final Deletion than New Day vs. Wyatts. While I thought there were a few too many callbacks to the first one (especially since that match was only a few months ago) there was still a lot of new ridiculous bullshit this time around. The fight in the pool was pretty good and Matt Hardy inhaling the Asian mist and spitting it out was a fun spot that could only work in a match like this. There will be people who hate this because it’s “not wrestling,” but I thought it was pretty fun. There are a billion forms that professional wrestling can take and not all of them are for everyone, but I, for one, am glad when people involved in the sport I love try new things and give us viewers something we haven’t seen before.
Video Posted on Updated on
Angelina Love defends the TNA Knockouts Championship against Brittany (aka Santana Garrett).