ECW (June 20, 2006)

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We get a cold open with a fortune teller (Shelly Martinez/Ariel/That Lady With the Boobs/etc.) using tarot cards to recap what happened on Raw the night before. Apparently ECW invaded and Sabu left John Cena bleeding. Tonight there will be a tag team event pitting Van Dam & Angle against Edge & Orton. For all the dumb shit WWE’s ECW did I think this is honestly a pretty cool way to recap a show.

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ECW One Night Stand 2006 (June 11, 2006)

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I guess this really should be called ECW Friends With Benefits or something since this is the second One Night Stand PPV. The show begins in true ECW fashion with a cold open. We see the rabid ECW fans packed to the rafters in the Hammerstein Ballroom chanting “ECW!” until the ECW theme song hits and Paul Heyman makes his way out to the ring to a huge pop.

Heyman thanks all the fans for being and says that with its rebirth ECW would appeal to a new, global audience. He hypes up the upcoming ECW show on Sci-Fi and tells the fans that it was because of them demanding it that ECW is coming back.

He thanks them again and tells them that ECW is going to be better than Raw or Smackdown. Oh Paul Heyman, how wrong you’d end up being, but that’s another story for another time…

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Rey Mysterio vs. John Cena (WWE SmackDown November 6, 2003)

John Cena in his Doctor of Thuganomics persona takes on Rey Mysterio in this match from 2003. It’s a pretty decent match and then there’s a ref bump so Cena punches Mysterio in the dick. Cena wins LOL!

After the match Paul Heyman, Brock Lesnar, Nathan Jones, Big Show and Matt Morgan come out and tell Cena that he’s going to be the fifth man on Lesnar’s Survivor Series team. Cena’s like, “NO ONE TELLS JOHN CENA WHAT TO DO!”

A-Train/Albert/Lord Tensai appears in the ring and takes out Cena and the Lesnar’s dudes hit the ring and wreck shit on John Cena, finishing him off with a chairshot to the head. Ruthless Aggression y’all!

John Cena vs. Kane (WWE SmackDown October 1, 2010)

This is a weird match. Nexus is there as lumberjacks. Cena beats them up and then just bails as The Undertaker shows up about halfway through so he and Kane can fight in the audience.

Matt Striker is on commentary doing his usual, Myspace emo-kid poetry commentary shtick. While it’s fine for Lucha Underground, it’s really awkward here. Todd Grisham is also on commentary, because Michael Cole apparently needs to seem hip and exciting.

2010 WWE is weird as fuck.

WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event (August 2, 2008)

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When I was a kid Saturday Night’s Main Event was kind of a big deal since most of the televised wrestling matches were King Kong Bundy or Ric Rude or whoever squashing the fuck out of S.D. Jones or some other job guy. If you wanted to see guys who could win taking on other guys who could win you had to order PPVs…or tune in to NBC a couple times a year. It was a decent concept, but it stopped being a thing in ’92.

In 2006 the WWE and NBC brought it back. It ran for a couple years before being replaced by Tribute for the Troops. This is, to date, the final Saturday Night’s Main Event.

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WWE Royal Rumble 2017 (January 29, 2017)

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I love gimmick matches and in my rather humble opinion there is no finer gimmick than the Royal Rumble. Thirty men enter. One man walks out with a shot a championship gold. There are usually some comedic spots, some decent in-ring action, and a surprise entrant or two that make it a must watch PPV, more so even than the Granddaddy of them all, WrestleMania. So how was the 2017 Rumble? Let’s find out.

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John Cena & Matt Hardy vs. Rikishi & Tajiri (WWE Smackdown November 14, 2002)

This is a fun little tag team match. Taken out of context, I have no idea why any of these guys are teaming up here, but it’s kind of hilarious to me. Cena and Hardy pick up the win when Hardy inadvertently pins Tajiri after a double clothesline spot. The post match high fives between Matt Hardy Version 1.0 and John Cena are a thing of beauty.