ECW (June 20, 2006)

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We get a cold open with a fortune teller (Shelly Martinez/Ariel/That Lady With the Boobs/etc.) using tarot cards to recap what happened on Raw the night before. Apparently ECW invaded and Sabu left John Cena bleeding. Tonight there will be a tag team event pitting Van Dam & Angle against Edge & Orton. For all the dumb shit WWE’s ECW did I think this is honestly a pretty cool way to recap a show.

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Big Show vs. Kane (WWE Backlash 2006 April 30, 2006)

Dear God, this match…of all the random full length matches WWE could put up for free on the internet in an effort to get people to sign up for the WWE Network, this is the one they selected.

So Show and Kane have a hoss fight. They slowly clubber one another for awhile. JR calls it an “ugly match” which is code for “I also think this match is complete shit, but I have to act like it isn’t.”

They colossal jostle for awhile until the arena suddenly is bathed in a weird, red light, while voices muttering, “May 19!” are piped in over the PA.

Kane starts beating himself up. Show gets in the ring, seems like he missed a cue or something, heads back out of the ring, grabs a chair, gets back in the ring, brains Kane with the chair causing the voices to stop and the lights to return to normal, and then just heads up the ramp looking absolutely disgusted.

Complete and utter shit.

ECW One Night Stand 2006 (June 11, 2006)

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I guess this really should be called ECW Friends With Benefits or something since this is the second One Night Stand PPV. The show begins in true ECW fashion with a cold open. We see the rabid ECW fans packed to the rafters in the Hammerstein Ballroom chanting “ECW!” until the ECW theme song hits and Paul Heyman makes his way out to the ring to a huge pop.

Heyman thanks all the fans for being and says that with its rebirth ECW would appeal to a new, global audience. He hypes up the upcoming ECW show on Sci-Fi and tells the fans that it was because of them demanding it that ECW is coming back.

He thanks them again and tells them that ECW is going to be better than Raw or Smackdown. Oh Paul Heyman, how wrong you’d end up being, but that’s another story for another time…

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ECW December to Dismember (December 3, 2006)

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After your slick looking, albeit standard issue, “Tonight some shit is gonna go down…IT’S DECEMBER TO DISMEMBER!” video package we head to some random arena or civic center in the ECW stronghold of…Augusta, GA? That can’t be right can it?

Pyro explodes and in spite it being almost 2007 when this is happening, “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor,” blares. We are joined by our announce team for the evening: Joey Styles and Taz. Joey promptly spoils the main event when he declares, “Tonight, a new ECW world’s champion will be crowned.”

Now, for those of you not well versed in random WWECW storylines from 11 years ago, this was not a situation where the title was vacant going into this event. Big Show was the reigning champ, and according to Joey Styles in two hours and change he was set to drop the belt.

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Shelton Benjamin vs. Ric Flair vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Fit Finlay vs. Matt Hardy vs. Bobby Lashley (WWE WrestleMania 22 April 2, 2006)

Back before it was its own deal the Money in the Bank match was part of WrestleMania, like the Andre the Giant Memorial Colossal Jostle is now. This right here is the second one and for some goddamn reason it features Ric Flair in it. He’s like 56 years old or something and yet still gets superplexed off the top of the ladder at one point by Matt Hardy. I am surprised that his bones didn’t turn to dust after that move.

RVD wins and later does the honorable thing and cashes in in advance, challenging John Cena for the title at One Night Stand.