Matches

John Cena vs. Kane (WWE SmackDown October 1, 2010)

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This is a weird match. Nexus is there as lumberjacks. Cena beats them up and then just bails as The Undertaker shows up about halfway through so he and Kane can fight in the audience.

Matt Striker is on commentary doing his usual, Myspace emo-kid poetry commentary shtick. While it’s fine for Lucha Underground, it’s really awkward here. Todd Grisham is also on commentary, because Michael Cole apparently needs to seem hip and exciting.

2010 WWE is weird as fuck.

Mickie James vs. Princess KimberLee (Chikara National Pro Wrestling Day February 6, 2016)

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Kimber Lee is the Chikara Grand Champion here, but this is a non-title match. Decent grappling in the first few minutes before Mickie James gets annoyed at her inability to put Kimber Lee away and starts heeling it up. At one point she kicks Kimber Lee in the midsection and shouts, “NO BABIES FOR YOU!” which is horrible and hilarious.

Less than a year after this match took place both women would be in the WWE with Mickie James facing Asuka for the NXT Women’s Championship in a one off match that impressed the powers that be so much she earned herself a spot on the Smackdown roster and Kimber Lee appearing in NXT where she has thus far appeared as “enhancement talent.”

Kana & Minoru Suzuki vs. Syuri & Yoshiaki Fujiwara (Kana Produce ProMania Party October 7, 2014)

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Before she became the longest reigning champion in NXT history and beat Goldberg’s streak, Asuka wrestled as Kana in Japan. On occasion she would play booker and book her own shows. This match is from one such card.

While other bookers/wrestlers would perhaps be more inclined to book themselves as worldbeaters, Kana here books herself to get roughed up by a 60 something year old Yoshiaki Fujiwara and on occasion, slapped around by her own partner, Minoru Suzuki in this mixed tag team match from 2014.

Ryuma Go & Samurai Max vs. Silver X & Uchuu Majin X (FMW 7th Anniversary Show May 5, 1996)

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Sometimes you just want to see a Japanese dude with a sensible haircut wreck shit on guys dressed up in burlap sacks and dodgy masks. This is a tag team match but it’s clipped in a way that makes it seem like Samurai Max did nothing to help Ryuma Go at all.

Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Mark Henry vs. MVP vs. R-Truth vs. Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase Jr. (WWE Raw November 23, 2009)

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The year is 2009 and we’re deep in the Guest Host Era of Raw. The week of Thanksgiving 2009, that host was former pro-grappler/announcer/governor, Jesse “The Body” Ventura. While a lot of the guest hosts were stupid as fuck, this one was actually alright, since Jesse Ventura had worked for the company for years and actually knew about wrestling.

The main event of the night was an Eight Man “Breakout” Battle Royal with the winner getting a shot at the World Heavyweight or WWE Championship. Jesse Ventura would call the action but before he got down to business, he brought out his old broadcast partner…the corpse of Gorilla Monsoon! Wait, no, he brought out Vince McMahon cosplaying as Bob Backlund.

Goldberg vs. Hugh Morris (WCW Monday Nitro September 22, 1997)

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Everything must have a beginning, and this match here is Bill Goldberg’s…unless of course you count dark matches, which we don’t.

Goldberg’s Streak Count: 1

Jon Moxley vs. Dr. Porter (TNA Final Resolution December 7, 2008)

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Back when he was still just a guy willing to get thrown into plates of glass and stabbed with a fork, the man who would become Dean “Titty Master” Ambrose wrestled a dark match in TNA, taking on a guy named Dr. Porter.

The match is nothing special really. Porter hits a bunch of spinbusters and back breakers before Ambrose picks up the win with a DDT, but it’s always weird to see wrestlers in companies they have nothing else to do with.

Megumi Kudo vs. Mayumi Ozaki (FMW April 18, 1997)

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This match has it all! Barbed wire! Megumi Kudo spamming suplexes like her name is BROOOOOOOOOOOCK Lesnar! A chain! A chokehold big swing! In ring psychology! Japanese ladies in mom jeans!

Brian Lee vs. The Storm Trooper (SMW July 25, 1992)

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Jesus Titty Fucking Christ Smoky Mountain Wrestling! Who thought this was a good idea? The Storm Trooper, if the preview image for the video doesn’t make it completely fucking obvious, is a literal Nazi. I mean he’s got fucking swastikas on his mask and on his tank top for fucks sake.

Brian Lee squashes the shit out of him, making this the first Brian Lee match in the history of everything that I was glad to see.

Terry Funk vs. The Sheik (FMW 5th Anniversary Show May 5, 1994)

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Do you like bleeding old men? Forks? Pants being on fire? Chairs being chucked at random? Strangulation? If you answered yes to any or all of those questions than have I got a wrestling match for you!

If none of those things tickle your fancy this match also has Sabu in pants that look like tin foil, a guy with dodgy monster gloves and face paint carrying a torch, and Terry Funk climbing up a wall in a baseball stadium!

But wait! There’s more! Order now and get a guy yelling in Japanese over a PA telling people to get out of the way as a pair of bleeding old men chase each other slowly through a crowd as our special gift to you!