R-Truth vs. Hurricane vs. Drake Maverick (WWE July 19, 2019)

While WWE seems to be in a slump of sorts as of late, I still am of the mind that the 24/7 Championship is one of the best things in wrestling today mostly due to the work of R-Truth and Drake Maverick. In this clip we see Truth appearing with his 24/7 title on some IGN.com show as part of the 2019 San Diego Comic-Con.

After a brief interview with Truth about how hard it is to be 24/7 Champion, and how Chewbacca was giving him the evil eye. Hurricane shows up then shows up after Truth mentions the weather. Truth assumes it’s someone in a Hurricane costume due to the fact that unlike probable Highlander, R-Truth, Hurricane Helms has aged like a normal human being is a “little bit thick.”

WWE referee John Cone then shows up as well. Truth also assumes the referee is just a random fan who happens to look exactly like WWE official John Cone (albeit not blonde). Truth asks them if they want to take a picture with him and Hurricane attempts to pin Truth. Truth kicks out at two and Hurricane flees.

While R-Truth explains to that that’s the sort of shit he has to deal with as champion, Drake Maverick (in a banana costume) rolls him up. Truth kicks out at two and bails on his interview.

The hosts ask who Maverick is. He explains that he’s Drake Maverick and tells the hosts how R-Truth has ruined his life. They encourage him to go after Truth and Drake heads off to end the segment.

Winner: R-Truth

This is legit the sort of content I’ve been waiting for since they introduced the 24/7 title. I want the title defended in weird venues. I want former WWE talents to be involved. All that we’re missing before the 24/7 Championship reaches DDT Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship levels of zaniness is some inanimate object champions. [NR]

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Victor the Wrestling Bear vs. The Hangman (March 27, 1965)

One of my favorite sleazy wrestling thing to look at on YouTube is old ass matches where a dude wrestles a bear. I thought I’d seen all that YouTube had to offer with regards to that particular gimmick, but today I came across a match I’d never seen before pitting Victor the Wrestling Bear against a masked man known as The Hangman.

The match, which took place on the March 27, 1965 episode of a variety show called The Hollywood Palace features host Tony Randall calling the action. After introducing the match and claiming that at that point Victor had an incredibly 1,755 match winning streak, we go to a ring that had been set up in the studio.

I think that The Hangman might be “Judo” Gene LeBell here since he was wrestling as The Hangman and seemed to have been wrestling in Los Angeles in the early part of 1965, but I don’t really know.

The “match” consists of a whole bunch of nothing. The Hangman and Victor lock up with a collar and elbow tie-up. Victor tosses The Hangman about for a bit while Tony Randall cracks wise and the studio audience laughs. Victor snapmares The Hangman about for a bit more and then goes after the referee. Apparently that’s enough for a bear to win a match because Tony Randall declares the bear to be the winner and then immediately throws to the Supremes so they can perform “Stop in the Name of Love,” because the 1960s were insane.

Winner: Victor the Wrestling Bear

I’ve seen a number of bear wrestling now and this certainly was some bear wrestling. A bear threw a guy around a few times and was declared the winner. That’s pretty much it. As a spectacle I guess watching a dude in a mask attempt to throw a bear around is pretty good, but if you’ve seen one bear wrestling match you’ve kind of seen ’em all. [*]

Maki Itoh vs. Mina Shirakawa (Tokyo Joshi Pro Golden Itabashi Dating May 5, 2019)

Maki Itoh is a former member of a J-Pop girl group known as LinQ who is now a violent professional wrestler whose middle fingers are always in the air. Here she’s taking on Mina Shirakawa, a woman I don’t know anything about.

They work some back and forth stuff early on before Maki Itoh takes control and gets Shirakawa in the corner for some mounted punches. I guess this is a signature move for her since she does some catchphrase about being cute before hand that the crowd does with her but Shirakawa escapes while Itoh’s posing which pisses Itoh off. Shirakawa then manages to do the same deal to Itoh and succeeds in raining a series of noogies down upon her dome and covering for an early two count. Maki gets back to her feet and clubbers Shirakawa.

This is more or less how the match goes. Maki Itoh attempts to do something, but fucks it up and then gets showed up Shirakawa doing whatever “big” move it was that Maki Itoh had previously attempted. Maki would then get pissed off and spam headbutts on Shirakawa to take back over on offense.

The end of the match sees Itoh fight off a number of DDT attempts and then send Shirakawa off the ropes. Itoh headbutts her in the midsection to drop her and then slaps on the Texas Cloverleaf to pick up the submission victory.

Winner: Maki Itoh

While Maki Itoh might not be the most technically sound wrestler to ever lace up a pair of boots, she is an absolutely fabulous professional wrestling character. There’s something very relatable about a complete fuck-up who gets frustrated at their own inability to do anything right and responds to it by headbutting people. [**]

Dustin Thomas vs. MJF vs. Sunny Daze vs. Brandon Cutler vs. Michael Nakazawa vs. Isiah Kassidy vs. Jimmy Havoc vs. Joey Janela (w/ Penelope Ford) vs. Brian Pillman Jr. vs. Shawn Spears vs. Billy Gunn vs. Glacier vs. Jungle Boy vs. Marq Quen vs. Ace Romero vs. Luchasaurus vs. Marko Stunt vs. Sonny Kiss vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Orange Cassidy vs. Hangman Page (AEW Double or Nothing May 25, 2019)

 

With the exception of the 24/7 Championship there’s nothing the WWE is doing that I’m interested in looking at. Fortunately in these, our modern days, it’s very easy to see random wrestling matches from around the globe and throughout history. Today, because it was on YouTube in full, I checked out the first AEW match ever contested: The Casino Battle Royal.

What’s a Casino Battle Royal you ask? It’s really quite simple! Five men start in the ring every [TIME UNIT UNKNOWN] a card suit is selected at random and the five competitors who drew that suit earlier in the day will enter the match. After all four suits have entered the match, the individual who drew the Joker card will enter the match. Eliminations come by throwing your opponent over the top rope so that both their feet touch the ground. The last competitor in the ring wins and will earn a chance to compete against the winner of tonight’s main event for the AEW World Heavyweight Championship.

The first five dudes in the ring are Dustin Thomas, MJF, Sunny Daze, Brandon Cutler and Michael Nakazawa. I only know about two of these dudes: MJF and Michael Nakazawa. MJF has a spoiled rich guy gimmick I guess and Michael Nakazawa is a weird pervert who used to(?) wrestle for DDT in Japan. Of the remaining three, Dustin Thomas is a dude with no legs, Sunny Daze is a big guy with weird facepaint, and Brandon Cutler is a nondescript dude in tights.

MJF heels it up early on, stomping on Dustin Thomas in the corner. Brandon Cutler makes the save and goes at it with MJF as Sunny Daze and Michael Nakazawa battle. Nakazawa gets caught in a waistlock by Sunny Daze. He then pulls out some baby oil and oils himself up to escape the hold. A couple minutes in and I’m already digging this more than any WWE stuff I’ve seen since Mania.

After an indeterminate amount of time it’s announced that the diamonds are the next group that will be entering the battle royal. This brings out Isiah Kassidy, Jimmy Havoc, Joey Janela and Brian Pillman Jr. who is looking like Brian Bosworth in the greatest movie of all time: Stone Cold. Fucking insanely good mullet! Outside of Kassidy I’ve seen all these dudes wrestle before. It’s wild to me that AEW’s got not one, but two dudes who are best known for wild deathmatch shit, but I guess that’s what’s left out there now that WWE is signing everyone.

Anyway Pillman with his good-ass mullet superkicks Isiah Kassidy on the ramp before getting in the ring. But wait, unless Penelope Ford is competing that’s only four dudes….

TEN! TEN! TEN! TEN!

The man formerly known as Tye Dillinger (now known as Shawn Spears) makes his AEW debut…which now that I think about it is true for everyone in this match since this is the first AEW show. The fans love yelling “TEN!” as Spears gets in the ring. You know who doesn’t like the number 10? MJF that’s who! He pokes Spears in the eyes and gives him the double deuce but Spears comes back with an Ushigoroshi and then we get more chants of “TEN!” from the crowd.

Another random-ass length of time passes and the ring announcer informs us that the hearts are the next group to enter the battle royal. While the previous group was the deathmatch group, this group is 90s wrestle guys since we get a swoll looking Billy Gunn and Glacier along with Luke Perry’s kid, Jungle Boy, a dude named Marq Quen and a big boy who loves to roughhouse named Ace Romero.

Jungle Boy comes flying in with a headscissors and then MJF gets in Glacier’s face and mocks him for white guy karate. Glacier responds by doing white guy karate on him. This fucking rules.

Sunny Daze sends Glacier out on to the apron but doesn’t eliminate him. He does, however, eliminate Nakazawa for the first elimination of the match. Joey Janela, meanwhile, is smoking a cigarette in the ring. The eliminations are coming fast and furious now as Glacier eliminates Sunny Daze only to be promptly dumped by MJF.

MJF is very pleased with himself and walks backwards into Billy Gunn. While they have a staredown we suddenly cut to Joey Janela whose cigarette has been stapled to his forehead by Jimmy Havoc with a staple gun. The fact that this happened in a match that Glacier was just in delights me to no end. If AEW can give me shit where white karate guys from WCW and luchadors and deathmatch dudes mix it up with the OWE kung-fu guys and 90s WWE musclemen on a weekly basis I will be there for it.

We go back to Gunn who tosses MJF over the top rope, but doesn’t eliminate him. Pillman comes flying in with a springboard clothesline that takes out Janela as he continues to wrestles with a still lit cigarette stapled to his forehead.

Another indeterminate amount of time has passed which brings in the final group, the spades which consist of the most random assortment of wrestlers ever assembled. We get Luchasaurus who I only know from those recent Undead Realm segments on IMPACT from earlier this year, Marko Stunt, a tiny little guy who wrecked his leg at that show where David Arquette became a deathmatch legend, Sonny Kiss, an openly gay professional wrestler, and Tommy Dreamer, a guy famous for eating gross shit. Again this is only four dudes, but the fifth spade would be explained later.

Stunt comes in and hits a neckbreaker. We’re at the point where there are too many bodies in the ring so they need to clear some dudes out. Romero hits a suicide dive through the middle ropes to take out a bunch of dudes on the floor to show that he’s a big man that can also fly. He then heads back in and and he and Luchasaurus trade strikes in the requisite STRONG STYLE BATTLE! Luchasaurus gets the worst of it and then gets hit in the face with a trashcan that Tommy Dreamer hurls into the ring.

Dreamer comes in and runs wild with the trashcan lid and then hits Jimmy Havoc with an Ace Crusher while the fans chant his name. Luchasaurus then hit Kassidy and Quen with double chokeslams. I guess those two dudes are a tag team known as Private Party. Shrug.

Another random-ass amount of time has expired which brings out the wild card: Hangman Page! He’s got a heavily taped up knee and kind of hobbles down to the ring to a huge pop and then proceeds to run wild in the ring, cleaning house with punches and lariats. He boots Spears in the face and then hits Jungle Boy with a fall-away slam.

Page and Janela then get into it with each other, trading forearms while MJF goes after Dreamer. Page spikes Janela on his head with the Deadeye. Romero sends Luchasaurus into the ropes but doesn’t eliminate him. Page then goes after Romero and attempts to lift him up, which is a bad idea. Page’s knee buckles and he goes down.

Stunt and Jungle Boy work together doing some small man double team shit on Romero, who counters with big fat guy stuff and just falls on them and crushes them. Stunt will not be denied though and hits the ropes to attack Romero. Unfortunately for him Romero hits the POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUNCE (shades of Monty Brown) and sends Stunt flying out of the ring onto the Private Party guys out on the floor. I’m not sure if they got eliminated or were just taking a break or what. It doesn’t really matter though. Back in the ring, Jungle Boy staggers Romeo with a dropkick to the back and then manages to get him over the top rope and down to the floor to eliminate the big man.

Spears nails Janela with a DDT that leaves the Bad Boy in the perfect position for a 619. If only Rey Mysterio were here to answer that call. Rey Mysterio might not be in AEW, but Dustin Thomas, a man with no legs is and he’s going to answer that call! We get a legless 619 and then Thomas uses the ropes to hit a 450 splash on Janela. This is wild!

MJF, trying to cement the fact that he’s a douchelord immediately attacks Thomas and puts the boots to him. He then puts Thomas up on the top turnbuckle, but Spears comes in to make the save only for Thomas to grab a headlock and pull Spears over the top rope out to the floor. He apologizes to Spears and then is promptly eliminated by MJF.

Gunn nails Cutler with the Fameasser, but Cutler comes back and sends Mr. Ass out to the floor. MJF, proving to be the ultimate opportunist dumps Cutler out to the floor immediately afterwards.

Luchasaurus then goozles Joey Janela, hurks him up and chokeslams him through a table that was set up at ringside and out to the floor while Penelope Ford screams. This looked like bad times for Janela.

Back in the ring, Sonny Kiss went up top and got Tommy Dreamer in a head scissors and repeatedly smashed Tommy Dreamer’s face into his ass. Tommy Dreamer then eliminates him. Entrant #20 arrives several minutes after the final entrant made their entrance. It’s Orange Cassidy!

He unleashes a flurry of light kicks to Tommy Dreamer’s shins that the crowd goes apeshit for but Dreamer laughs off. Dreamer decks Cassidy and drops him, but Cassidy kips-up with his hands still in his pockets. Tommy Dreamer eliminates him as well.

Jimmy Havoc shows back up with his staple gun, stapling Dreamer in the face and then in the dick before eliminating him. Havoc then goes after Jungle Boy with the staple gun, but Luchasaurus puts Jungle Boy up on his shoulders and then he and Jungle Boy do some wacky double-team facebuster on Havoc.

MJF, again swoops in and tries to toss Jungle Boy over the top. Jungle Boy manages to hold on but Jimmy Havoc shows up and bites Jungle Boy’s fingers causing him to let go and fall to the floor. We’re down to our final four: Hangman Page, Jimmy Havoc, MJF, and Luchasaurus.

Havoc, Luchasaurus and Page all pound on MJF who rolls out to the floor. Havoc hits Luchasaurus with the Acid Rainmaker and then nails Page with a Death Valley Driver and a penalty kick to the chest. Page cuts Havoc off and sends him out to the apron where Luchasaurus boots him in the face to eliminate Jimmy Havoc.

Page sells his injured knee as he battles Luchasaurus. Page seems to have the upper hand though until Luchasaurus cuts him off and hits a sitout front slam. Page staggers to his feet over by the ropes and Luchasaurus charges him. Page low bridges the top rope and Luchasaurus tumbles out to the floor. The bell rings, but the match isn’t actually over since MJF hasn’t been eliminated yet.

He comes rushing back in and tosses Page over the top rope and then celebrates as if he had won. Page however managed to save himself. He then hit the buckshot lariat and tossed MJF to win the match and a shot at the AEW World Heavyweight Championship.

Page then limped up the ramp on his own.

Winner: Hangman Page

I think this was a decent enough battle royal. The gimmick of it I think kind of hurt the flow of the match since it didn’t really allow for as much, “New Guy Comes In, Gets His Shit In,” spots as a traditional Royal Rumble. While it did do a good job of introducing most of the guys that I assume will make up the lower and mid-card in AEW there were some guys who never really got any time to shine. Like that tag team, Private Party? I don’t think they really did anything except get kicked by Brian Pillman Jr. and catch Marko Stunt when he got hurled out of the ring. Since they were some of the guys I’d never seen before I wish they’d gotten a chance to show me something, but that’s a small nit to pick.

Overall, the right guy won this match and the match did a good job of making MJF look like the biggest fucking asshole in wrestling which I think is what they were going for. The stuff with Jimmy Havoc, Tommy Dreamer, and Joey Janela also served its purpose and let those of us watching know that this isn’t going to be PG-Era WWE stuff (though that point would be writ larger later in the night with the man formerly known as Goldust). While I’m not a huge fan of deathmatch wrestling, I am pleased that AEW isn’t shying away from it, or on the opposite end of the spectrum the comedy stuff with Orange Cassidy. As someone who loves the myriad of forms that professional wrestling can take I’m pleased that AEW seems all inclusive in that regard. [**¾]

R-Truth vs. Jinder Mahal (WWE June 6, 2019)

39,000 feet above the Red Sea and six hours after besting R-Truth on an airport tarmac, Jinder Mahal settles down for a nap in first class. R-Truth then sneaks into first class and peeps under blankets to attempt to find Jinder. He eventually does find him sound asleep and covers for the three count to win back the 24/7 Championship.

Jinder protests that it shouldn’t count because he was sleeping but the referee is like, “It’s a 24/7 title!” All the wrestlers in first class then chase R-Truth through the plane as he shouts that he needs to use the bathroom. They run up a flight of stairs and some random stewardess is like, “What’s going on guys?” as a multitude of muscle men pound on the door to the bathroom as R-Truth hides with his belt.

Winner: R-Truth

This was great. The fact that the luchadors apparently wear masks while traveling? Great. R-Truth creeping around in first class? Great. The dudes randomly hanging out under blankets and then staring hard at R-Truth when uncovered? Great. Jinder Mahal complaining that he was asleep? Great. Wrestlers running around in an airplane and getting scolded by a flight attendant? Great.
R-Truth hiding in an airplane bathroom? Great!

This is exactly the sort of match dudes should be having for this prestigious championship. [NR]

Jinder Mahal vs. R-Truth (WWE June 6, 2019)

The greatest champion that ever live, R-Truth, calls his wife to ask after his kids while en route to Saudi Arabia for Blood-Money III. While he’s on the phone Jinder Mahal sneaks up behind him and rolls Truth up there on the tarmac to become the new 24/7 Champion.

Winner: Jinder Mahal

While not as ridiculous as the golf course title change this is the sort of wackiness that this title should beget. [NR]

Jinder Mahal vs. R-Truth (WWE June 2, 2019)

The 24/7 Championship is legitimately the only thing in WWE that I care about at present. I have the 24/7 Title Wikipedia page bookmarked on my work computer and I check it every morning to see if any title changes happened while I was sleeping.

When they first announced the title I hoped and prayed that they’d go the DDT Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship route and just get buckwild with it. While the madcap running around in various arenas stuff has been good this match right here is the sort of thing I’ve been waiting for these past couple of weeks.

R-Truth and his partner in crime, Carmella, are relaxing at a golf course after a stressful week of avoiding wrestlers attempting to capture the prestigious WWE 24/7 Championship from Truth. Carmella is surprised that Truth knows how to golf. Truth informs her that he learned from Phil Mickelson. Carmella makes a Fresh Prince reference that causes Truth to declare that Phil Mickelson, a man one year older than R-Truth, is like an uncle to him because R-Truth is the greatest man that ever lived.

Suddenly former WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Jinder Mahal shows up forearms Truth in the head and rolls him up. Jinder’s got a referee with him who counts and Jinder Mahal is your new 24/7 Champion! This is hilarious because Jinder is on a golf course in his wrestling gear.

Winner: Jinder Mahal

Jinder doesn’t get to savor his victory for long since Carmella gets into it with him which allows Truth to sneak up behind him and roll him up to regain the title some 11 seconds after he lost it. Truth then punches Mahal in the face and grabs the belt and then jumps onto the back of the golf cart as Carmella hauls ass to Lollapalooza.

Winner: R-Truth

I hope that WWE does more of this sort of thing with this belt since it’s the perfect sort of thing to throw on their YouTube channel. Having title changes there will get more eyes on WWE’s social media sites which in 2019 seems to be a way to make money that I really don’t understand via being old and kind of a Luddite. Moreover the YouTube stuff that WWE does seems to be the place for wrestlers to cut loose and ad-lib and show some character since they don’t really seem to be allowed to do any of that stuff on the main roster programs. Unrelated to this match here Drake Maverick has a series of videos where he is searching for R-Truth at airports and stuff in an effort to get the 24/7 Championship for himself. These videos are 900% entertaining than the “LOL Drake pisses a lot!” stuff he had on the main roster. So more of this stuff please…[NR]

Kevin Sullivan & “Mad Dog” Buzz Sawyer vs. Zan Panzer & Robbie Idol (NWA World Championship Wrestling March 3, 1990)

Sullivan and Sawyer murder the two men unfortunate enough to have to face them in this match for a few minutes. Sometimes in a squash match the job guy will get one or two moves in before being completely destroyed, but that is not what happens here at all. Sawyer and Sullivan take turns manhandling Idol and Panzer who get in no offense to speak of.

The finish of the match sees Panzer get hurled out to the floor while Sawyer goes up top. He nails Idol with a big splash and covers him, but then lets him up. Sawyer goes back up top and nails Idol with another big splash. He makes another pin attempt but again lets him up. The ref thinks this is bullshit and disqualifies Sawyer for kicking too much ass awarding the match to Idol & Panzer.

Sawyer doesn’t seem to care and proceeds to choke out Idol before biting his ear. Sullivan storms off (in disgust according to the announcers) while Sawyer mauls Idol. A crew of wrestlers run out from the locker room to attempt to pull Sawyer off Idol but they are unable to do so.

Eventually Kevin Sullivan reemerges with a chain and all the guys from the locker room scatter. Sullivan chokes Sawyer with the chain and with the chain wrapped around Sawyer’s neck pulls him off Idol to bring an end to the carnage. Jim Ross, on commentary, says that he has no desire to interview Sullivan and Sawyer after the break.

Winners: Zan Panzer & Robbie Idol

This is the sort of shit I kind of miss in wrestling today. Sure guys who can do flips and shit are cool and a good addition to what wrestling can be but I miss scary motherfuckers completely and utterly wrecking house on hapless losers, which is exactly what happens here. [**½]

Meanwhile Backstage…

Back from break we get an interview with Sullivan and Sawyer. They are joined by the third man in their triad, Cactus Jack who more or less just lurks in the background while Sullivan rants about Buzz Sawyer’s mother being a nomad who wandered the deserts. Half of what Sullivan says gets bleeped out which makes it hard to follow what he’s talking about but I think that the story is that Sawyer was born in a wasteland and abandoned and then raised by wolves and thus is not responsible for the way he acts. It’s one of those promos that made the people involved in the promo seem like the most dangerous fuckers in the world and that rules.

Deonna Purrazzo vs. Matt Riddle (Beyond Wrestling & WWR Lit Up April 5, 2018)

This is Matt Riddle’s third match of the day according to commentary. He’s already faced Minoru Suzuki and Zack Sabre Jr., the later of whom he bested a few hours earlier for the EVOLVE Championship.

Riddle and Purrazzo shake hands to begin. CODE OF HONOR ALL UP IN THIS MUG! Purrazzo goes for an ankle lock, apparently targeting the same limb that ZSJ worked over during their EVOLVE match. She then works an arm wringer for a bit.

There’s a bit of a playful tone to the early part of the match with each wrestler slapping the other’s hand away after exchanges or rope breaks, but eventually Deonna applies a Fujiwara Armbar and shit gets real.

Riddle goes for the Bro To Sleep but Purrazzo escapes and stomps on Riddle’s bare feet to take back over on offense. Purrazzo scores a near fall off a crossbody and seemingly has things under control but Riddle catches her on a headscissor attempt and powerbombs her. He follows with a knee strike with is enough to Purrazzo away.

Afterwards, Riddle explains to the crowd that he had to wreck shop on Purrazzo because she was kicking his ass and then offers to shake her hand.

Winner: Matt Riddle

This was short and probably a bit by the numbers but you can’t really fault them for that since Riddle had already been through two wars earlier in the day. I liked the story they told here with Riddle, either due to exhaustion or just not taking Purrazzo serious, ended up getting schooled for the bulk of the match until he finally woke up and picked up the quick win. [**½]

Brock Lesnar vs. Manabu Nakanishi (NJPW Battle Final 2005 – Day 11 December 10, 2005)

I recently decided that Manabu Nakanishi is my favorite pro-wrestler, primarily because he’s a mountain of a man that posts pictures of the insane amounts of food he consumes on Twitter. Because he’s now my favorite I figured it would probably be advised to watch some of his matches. This random match against Brock Lesnar for the IWGP Heavyweight Championship was a random thing that popped up when I searched for him.

Lesnar’s the champion here. Nakanishi takes the fight to him at the bell. This fucking rules. It’s just two big motherfuckers wailing on each other for a couple minutes before Brock Lesnar decides it’s time to have the Brock Lesnar Match™ and starts spamming suplexes. Shinsuke Nakamura’s in a tracksuit watching from the audience.

Eventually they end up out on the floor. Lesnar posts Nakanishi but gets distracted by Nakamura and Nakanishi blasts him from behind. Back in the ring Nakanishi goes up top and wrecks shop on Lesnar with a missile dropkick.

Lesnar gets back to his feet and Nakanishi hits a series of running double axe-handles that stagger Lesnar. He eventually manages to knock the champ off his feet. He gets Lesnar up in the torture rack but Lesnar hammers him in the head to escape. Nakanishi comes off the ropes but Lesnar catches him with a knee. Lesnar gets Nakanishi up and powerbombs him and then hits the F5 to retain in four minutes and twenty-seven seconds.

Winner: Brock Lesnar

Not a five star mat classic or anything, but this is everything I love about pro-wrestling. It was just two massive bastards hammering on each other. If this had gone any longer than it did it probably would have been less enjoyable than it was but a four and a half minute brawl between, to borrow a turn of phrase from JR, “two Brahma bulls,” is never not enjoyable. Plus the post credit stinger of Brock Lesnar talking about catching koi and smoking them so he could eat them is the sort of random nonsense promo shit I miss in 2018 WWE. [***]