Lucha Underground (February 18, 2015)

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After a quick recap of the angles we might have forgotten we head to the Temple where once again Mariachi El Bronx are getting the crowd amped up. Matt Striker and Vampiro are with us to call the action. They talk about bullshit for a bit before throwing it to the ring for action.

Match 1: Mil Muertes vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.

Mil Muertes is out first. He’s alone and has no cape on which makes this entrance feel really weird. Chavo is out next. The announcers remind us that Chavo has a debt to play because Mil Muertes is still pissed off at him for taking out Blue Demon Jr. when that was Mil Muertes’ task.

The match begins and Mil tries to use his power to control but Chavo manages to use his “Guerrero-ness” to gain the upper hand. He takes out Muertes’ knee with a dropkick and tries to keep the big man off his feet. The announcers make note of how weird it is that Chavo is able to go toe to toe with Mil Muertes who generally just fucks dudes up when he’s in the ring with them. Mil Muertes does seem sluggish and kind of unfocused and Vampiro and Striker speculate whether or not it’s due to the lack of Catrina.

Eventually Catrina heads out and makes her way down the stairs to the ring. She has Mil’s magical stone with her. Her presence (or perhaps the stone’s presence) fires Muertes up and he wrecks shop on Chavo with an electric chair. He then chucks Chavo out to the floor but he is distracted as Catrina drags his magical stone along the ring.

This distraction allows Chavo a chance to cover and he grabs a chair before heading back in. Chavo blasts Mil Muertes with the chair in plain sight and the referee calls for the bell. Mil no sells the chairshot so Chavo takes another swing but punches the chair out of his hands and then gives Chavo the Flatliner on to it.

Mil Murertes then goes over to Catrina and orders her to come into the ring and lick Chavo, but she refuses and starts to leave. Muertes grabs her by the hair and pulls her into the ring and then pushes her down and again orders her to lick Chavo.

Catrina refuses which pisses Mil Muertes off. He grabs her by the throat and sets up for the Flatliner but Fenix comes flying in with a springboard missile dropkick to make the save. He gets Catrina and the two of them flee the ring. Catrina and Fenix then make out with each other out on the floor while Mil Muertes seethes in the ring.

Winner: Mil Muertes

The wrestling here was kind of uninspired with both guys kind of going through the motions to kill time until it was time for the post match shenanigans. Striker actually called out Muertes seeming distracted without Catrina present so I guess the poor wrestling was also part of an angle but that didn’t make for a particular entertaining match. [*¾]

Meanwhile Outside…

The mysterious Asian woman (Black Lotus apparently) picks some locks and heads into the Temple before we head to commercials. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!

Meanwhile in Dario Cueto’s Office…

Dario Cueto is in his office with The Crew. He’s a big fan of their work. He liked when they beat down Prince Puma and Johnny Mundo last October and how they burned out Big Ryck’s eyeball with a cigar a few weeks back. He tells them that he’s going to reward them with a spot in the main event but they have to prove that they can be the rabid dogs he needs to be if they want to stay in the main event scene.

Dario says that there’s a trio of underdogs that disrespect his Temple and yet are beloved by the crowds: Pimpinela Escarlata, Mascarita Sagrada, and Sexy Star. Cueto books The Crew in a No Disqualification match against this unlike trio and tells The Crew that he wants them to hurt Pimpinela, Mascarita Sagrada and Sexy Star so badly that they never return.

Match 2: Ivelisse (w/ Son of Havoc) vs. Angelico

Ivelisse and Havoc’s kid are in the ring when we return to the Temple. Ivelisse grabs a mic and says that Son of Havoc was supposed to have a rematch against Angelico but because Son of Havoc sucks so much ass and always loses she’s going to take the match instead. She yells about being “the baddest bitch in the building,” and calls out Angelico.

Angelico’s music hits and he heads down to the ring. He doesn’t seem to want to fight Ivelisse so she takes advantage of his apprehension and kicks him. Ivelisse comes off the ropes but Angelico catches her with a drop toehold. He offers to help her up but she comes back with a series of kick.

Ivelisse connects with a knee and then slaps Angelico in the face for not taking her seriously. She connects with another kick and then comes off the second rope but misses. Angelico offers her a hand to help her up which she takes and then blasts him in the chest with a slap using her other hand. She then connects with a pretty sweet springboard hurricanrana.

The match continues like this for a bit more with Ivelisse attacking (primarily with kicks) while Angelico counters with “jokey” sexual assault counters that cause Matt Striker to creepily growl shit like, “Maybe a kiss?” It’s all kind of confusing to me because I was under the impression that Angelico was supposed to be a white-meat babyface and yet here he is acting like a rapey scumfuck.

The finish sees Ivelisse connect with a series of kicks and then come off the ropes. Angelico catches her and sends Ivelisse high up into the air and then just lets her crash face first into the mat. The referee goes to check on her which allows Son of Havoc to get up on the ring apron and blast Angelico in the dome. Ivelisse then recovers and rolls Angelico up for three to pick up the win unaware of what Havoc’s son had done for her. Havoc tries to raise Ivelisse’s hand but she’s still annoyed with him.

After the match Angelico gets on the mic to tell Ivelisse that he’d be glad to go one on one with her again provided Son of Havoc isn’t around. He then shoves Havoc’s kid off the apron and Ivelisse goes out and leaves with her man leaving Angelico alone in the ring.

Winner: Ivelisse

This was more an angle than a match. Angelico’s alignment came across as weird here since he alternated between being a guy who didn’t want to wrestle a woman because violence against women is gross and being a guy who during the course of a wrestling match was gross and repeatedly attempted to kiss the woman he was wrestling. [*½]

Highlights for Children!

We are shown highlights of Alberto El Patron debuting in Lucha Underground only to be attacked by Texano. The announcers inform us that Texano has signed a contract with Lucha Underground and joined the active roster and will be in action next!

Earlier Today…

We get the ring introductions for the next match which will be pitting Super Fly against Texano before the announcers play a video package of a sitdown interview Vampiro had with Texano. Vamp interviews Texano in Spanish, putting him over first for being the youngest AAA Mega Champion and longest reigning champion as well until Alberto El Patron bested him.

Texano takes umbrage with being introduced as a former champion and says that El Patron didn’t beat him for the title, but rather stole it from him. Texano says he’s come to Lucha Underground for one thing: to wreck shop on Alberto El Patron and get his title back. Vampiro then thanks Texano for his time and him a handshake but Texano just laughs at him and leaves him hanging.

This segment was really good. They showed footage from AAA of Texano being a champion and losing the title to El Patron that helped those of us who don’t follow AAA understand who this guy was. Texano came off really well during the interview as well and seems like a really big deal. Like most Americans watching this I was familiar with El Patron from his work in WWE and this interview did a fantastic job a making Texano into a guy who could believably hang with a former WWE Champion.

Also I don’t know why I’m surprised by this since he spent years wrestling there, but Vampiro’s Spanish was really good.

Match 3: Super Fly vs. Texano

After they show the sitdown interview the match begins. Super Fly tries to use his speed to get an advantage but gets next to nothing here since every time he starts to get something going Texano puts him down.

Eventually Super Fly goes up top and connects with a cross body. Texano however, uses his power to toss him off. Texano then hits a fireman’s carry neckbreaker and follows with a non-first responder neckbreaker to pick up the win.

As Texano poses in the ring after his match, El Patron emerges at the top of the stairs and hauls ass down to the ring. Texano rolls out to the floor as El Patron hit the ring but Alberto El Patron goes out after him. Texano blasts him with a slap, but El Patron comes back and sends him into the guardrail.

Alberto sends Texano back into the ring and proceeds to whip him with his own bullrope. Unfortunately he ends up repeatedly hitting himself in the face with it as well so El Patron changes tactics and wraps the rope around his fist and begins pounding on Texano as security hit the ring to separate them.

Texano bails out to the floor while security holds Alberto El Patron back. Eventually El Patron starts whipping them with the bull rope to chase them off and close out the segment by standing tall in the ring while the crowd lost their shit.

Winner: Texano

This match was a nothing match but it served its purpose and introduced American audiences to Texano and showed off what I assume to be his signature maneuvers. The real red meat of this segment was the post-match stuff with El Patron. I hope El Patron stays this motivated since he kind of ruled here. [NR]

Meanwhile in Dario Cueto’s Office…

Cueto is writing something in a little black book as Cage busts in with the ripped up Lucha Underground belt slung around his neck. Cage tells Dario that he should be the champion since he beat the fuck out of Prince Puma and Johnny Mundo. Cueto says that Cage is everything he’s looking for in a champion but is like, “Um…Puma’s still the champ since you didn’t actually win the match against him.”

Cueto will give Cage a chance to prove himself and gives him a non-title match against Puma next week. If he can win, he’ll earn himself a title shot. Cage is fine with this and tosses the broken belt to Dario and tells him, “Okay. You just make sure to get me a real title belt, not this Aztec piece of crap!”

As Cage exists, Chavo shows up and is like, “Look, I wanna make this quick. You call Mexico and tell them they got what they wanted. I’ve had enough. I quit. I’m going home to my family.”

Cueto gives zero fucks and replies, “Well Chavo, I wish you the best in your future endeavors.”

Chavo takes umbrage with this blatant mockery and shouts, “WHAT?!”

Cueto tells Chavo that the doors to his temple will always be open before Chavo storms off. Cueto then looks at his destroyed championship belt and forlornly declares, “The gods are not going to be pleased about this.”

Elsewhere in the Temple…

Black Lotus enters a room somewhere in the bowels of the Temple and sees a cage. We, the viewers, can’t see what’s inside but whatever it is breathing heavily. She monologues, saying, “So, this is where he keeps you. When I was a little girl, the only thing I wanted to be when I grew up was to be the woman who killed you with my bare hands.”

Someone then puts a sack over her head and the segment ends.

Match 4: The Crew vs. Pimpinela Escarlata, Mascarita Sagrada & Sexy Star vs. The Crew
No DQ Match

Main event time! Melissa Santos does ring introductions for The Crew who are already in the ring. She then brings out their opponents for the evening, the unlikely trio of Mascarita Sagrada, Pimpinella Escarlata and Sexy Star. The come out together to Sexy Star’s entrance music while the crowd goes wild.

The Crew attack at the bell with Bael and Mr. Cisco sending Sexy Star and Mascarita Sagrada out to the floor while Castro and Pimpinela go at it in the ring. Pimpinela controls early on but after kissing Castro, Castro comes back and spams kendo stick shots on Pimpinela. He then chokes Pimpinela Escarlata out with the kendo stick leaving them unconscious. Cisco kicks Escarlata out to the floor and then boots Sagrada in the face.

Sagrada comes back with a hurricanrana to take over on offense before connecting with a suicide dive out to the floor. It doesn’t have the desired effect though since he gets booted in the face again and then powerbombed onto the edge of ring apron…THAT’S THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING!

Sexy gets back in the ring with Cortez Castro, nailing him with some chops before Cortez slams her and blasts her in the back of the head with a kick. The Crew hit Sexy Star with a pair of sliding boots to the face as she’s slumped in the corner causing her to roll out to the floor.

Pimpinela’s being carted off by the medical officials as Sagrada comes back into the ring. He tries to take the fight to the Crew but is quickly overwhelmed by their numbers. They beat on him three on one for a bit and then curb stomp him into a steel chair. This isn’t an elimination match, but Sagrada’s done for the night leaving Sexy Star to face the Crew three on one.

The fans in the Temple chant for Sexy as the Crew surround her. Since this is professional wrestling she manages to fight them off. Cisco invites her to punch him in the face which leads to Matt Striker being like, “And they say I’m misogynistic…” because apparently Matt Striker doesn’t understand that heels/rudos like The Crew are supposed to be scumfucks, while he’s supposed to a guy calling the action not being a creepvert and groaning shit like, “Maybe a kiss?” during wrestling matches.

Anyway, Sexy Star decks Cisco and then kind of hits Bael with a dropkick and ducks a lariat from Castro.

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She continues to run wild, hitting a wheelbarrow armdrag and then booting Cisco in the cock when he grabs her. Star then plants Bael out on the floor with a tornado DDT off the ring apron.

She gets grabbed by the hair and dragged back into the ring where Castro catches her with a running boot to the face. She comes back with a series of chops and kicks but is promptly taken down. Castro goes for a slam but Sexy Star fights him off and hits a botched swinging fisherman’s neckbreaker.

Unfortunately Cisco comes back in and bodyslams her. He then heads up to the top rope, but Sexy recovers and crotches him on the top rope. She’s now bleeding from the mouth for some reason. Star heads up top with him and tries for a hurricanrana but Cisco blocks it and then sets up for a powerbomb off the top rope. Sexy Star fights him off and connects with the rana. She covers for a near fall.

All three members of the Crew are now in the ring to triple team Sexy Star. Big Ryck, now lacking a shirt and sporting an eyepatch appears at the top of the stairs. This distracts the Crew which allows Sexy Star to roll Bael up as Big Ryck heads down to the ring. She scores the pin and as Big Ryck hits the ring the Crew all scatter.

The show ends with Big Ryck and a bloodied Sexy Star standing tall in the ring as the Crew glowers at them from the floor.

Winners: Sexy Star, Mascarita Sagrada & Pimpinela Escarlata

I was kind of disappointed by the return of Big Ryck. After his awesome promo last week I kind of wished he murdered dudes instead of just mean-mugged at the Crew to scare them into a distraction finish in the match. When the match was announced as a no DQ match I assumed that this is what was going to happen but instead we got a lame distraction finish.

The other thing about this match that I wasn’t really about was how the “Previously on Lucha Underground” thing more or less ruined the surprise of Big Ryck’s return. The fact that they showed that in the opening package more or less guaranteed that he was coming back for vengeance. I would have preferred if they left that part off and just limited the references to him to Dario’s comment to the Crew about being so excited about them burning out Big Ryck’s eyeball.

Prior to the finish the match was kind of mediocre. There was a lot of aimless brawling, and the faces seemed like idiots since none of them ever worked together. That being said, the three-on-one part of the match where Sexy Star was able to more or less hold her own did a good job of building her up as one of the toughest wrestlers in the Lucha Underground locker room. If that’s what they were going for here I guess they succeeded, but even that was kind of cheapened by the distraction finish. [*¾]

Final Thoughts

This might be the worst episode of Lucha Underground I’ve seen. It did a decent enough job of establishing Texano and explaining why he and Alberto El Patron are beefing and built up Sexy Star as a total badass as well as furthering some on going storylines. I’m here for Big Ryck teaming up with Sexy Star (and possibly Pimpinela Escarlata and Mascarita Sagrada) to battle The Crew but I have to say that none of the wrestling we got this week was particularly inspired.

We got a match where the gimmick was one of the competitors couldn’t focus and thus was bad at wrestling, an intergender match where the dude didn’t take the woman seriously for the bulk of the match, a squash match, and a six man melee that was more or less just aimless brawling. Since they’ll clearly recap the plot stuff from this episode in future “Previously on Lucha Underground” segments you could easily skip this episode and not miss anything crucial.

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