WCW Uncensored (March 19, 2000)

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We’re live at the American Airlines Arena in Miami for WCW Uncensored, a show with a reputation of one of the worst WCW PPVs of all times. So why exactly am I reviewing a notoriously bad show from WCW’s nadir? BECAUSE DOUBLE STRAPIFICATION JACK!

We start things off with a video package highlighting the events leading up to the trio of main events to come. We get stuff about Luger and Sting feuding for the nine billionth time and Sid and Jarrett jostling for the World Heavyweight Championship, but none of that shit actually matters because Hogan vs. Flair is a MOTHERFUCKIN’ YAPAPI STRAP MATCH BROTHER DUDE JACK!

Meanwhile Backstage…

Lex Luger and Ric Flair are walking backstage. They are ready for their upcoming matches or something.

Meanwhile Somewhere Else Backstage…

Hogan and Sid have put Wrestlemania VIII behind them and are all chummy with one another, promising to watch each other’s back in their upcoming matches.

Meanwhile Somewhere Other Than Where We Already Were Backstage…

Fuck, it’s the Harris Brothers! Jeff Jarrett is walking around backstage with them and tells them that he has an insurance policy for his match tonight.

Meanwhile in the Parking Lot…

A limo has arrived, BUT WHO WAS DRIVING THE LIMO!

Meanwhile in the Arena…

Pyro explodes in the very empty American Airlines Arena in Miami, as the crowd just kind of sits there looking bored and Tony Schiavone hyperboles.

Match 1: Psychosis (w/ Juventud Guerrera) vs. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea (c) (w/ Paisley)

I totally forgot that Psychosis was among the dudes that got unmasked in WCW, but here he is, all unmasked and shit. Iaukea comes out doing his stupid Prince gimmick. I’m pretty sure whatever Prince knockoff song he had originally has been replaced on the WWE Network since his music sounded really dubbed in here. His valet, Paisley, would go on to marry Booker T and become Sharmell. Not to get all male gazey here, but she looks super hot in the purple PVC catsuit she’s rocking here.

They kind of stand in the ring for awhile doing nothing until some random music starts playing. This causes Mark Madden to wonder if the music is going to play throughout the match like an “MTV match,” but it does not. It’s just Chris Candido’s entrance music. Candido comes down to the announce table and makes his WCW debut by doing guest commentary for the Cruiserweight Championship match on a random PPV.

The match finally gets underway with Iaukea charging the corner and getting hit with a hurricanrana. He then hits a plancha I guess, but the camera misses it because they’re focused on Candido and his “Hard Knox” t-shirt at ringside.

Back in the ring, Iaukea takes over with a Tree of Woe and some bad kicks to the ribs before getting a near fall off a superkick. It’s a few minutes of pretty boring WCW Worldwide caliber action.

The Artist hits a running clothesline in the corner and then pulls Psychosis’ hair and drives a knee into his back. He hits a clothesline, but Psychosis is not phased by it and comes back with a top rope rana for two. Psychosis follows up with a sitout gordbuster while on the outside Juvy goes after Paisley for some reason and randomly kisses her. She proceeds to beat the shit out of him and rip his shirt off.

Back in the ring Psychosis hits the guillotine legdrop and covers for two but then just gets up and starts jawing with Paisley. Psychosis is distracted by her for forever even though she’s not actually doing anything. Like, I get that she’s a good looking lady and all and that catsuit does her many, many favors, but dude walked away from becoming champ to gawk at her for a good twenty or so seconds until The Artist finally hits his middle rope diving DDT thing to pick up the win and retain the Cruiserweight Championship.

Winner: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea

This match was not particularly good. In a division where you had dudes who could do really cool shit in the ring Iaukea was always just a guy. He could have mediocre TV matches but was never really someone I thought was exciting to see in the ring and here he’s saddled with a stupid gimmick and a match that was more about Chris Candido doing bad commentary and complaining about stuff than it was about anything happening in the ring. Generally the WCW Cruiserweight matches were the openers designed to get the crowd amped as fuck, but this one was dull as dishwater and did absolutely nothing to get me hyped. [*]

Meanwhile With Mean Gene…

Tony throws it to Gene to “fill some time.” Gene’s backstage with Bam Bam Bigelow to talk about his upcoming match with The Wall tonight. Bigelow says that he regrets bringing The Wall into the business because he’s doing it wrong, trying to hurt people. Gene interjects that doing so would take away these men’s livelihoods. Bigelow nods in agreement and says that tonight he’s going to finish The Wall and show him how to do it right…by hurting him and taking away his livelihood or something.

This is actually a decent promo and a more or less logically booked feud.

Match 2: XS vs. The Screamin’ Demons

XS (Excess) are Lenny Lane and Lodi who is called Rave for some reason at this point even though his gimmick is exactly the same as when he was Lodi. Miss Hancock comes out to do commentary before XS opponents for the evening head out. I don’t really know what the beef between Miss Hancock and XS is but I guess they spurned her advances or something so she says that XS stands for Extra Small.

The Screamin’ Demons are the oddball duo of The Kiss Demon and Screamin’ Norman Smiley. The Demon’s casket appears on the stage and begins to open but The Kiss Demon comes stomping out from the back as Norman Smiley, in Kiss make-up emerges from the casket and heads down to the ring with his partner.

The match begins with The Demon throwing Lodi or Rave or Whatever around briefly before getting knocked outside, leaving Smiley to handle things in the ring. He does some stuff and then does a Medium Wiggle on Lane before it’s back to mediocre jostling.

On the commentary side of things Miss Hancock talks up her new tag team, Los Fabulosos, a duo consisting of Silver King and El Dandy and talks about how she took them shopping for swanky new threads or something. This prompts Schiavone to declare, “If there was ever a time to be El Dandy, it’s right now.” As a brief aside, when isn’t it the right time to be El Dandy? I hear he’s a heck of a wrestler, a great technician in the ring, and a jam up guy on top of being a serious professional.

On the opposite end of that spectrum is Miss Hancock who on commentary is about as far from being a serious professional as one can get. There are several points during the match where Schiavone starts getting annoyed with her and is all like, “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE WILL YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING!” and she proceeds to kind of mumble some junk.

Anyway back in the ring The Kiss Demon plays the face-in-peril as Lodi and Lane botch a bunch of shit and trip over each other as they try to work him over. The crowd is super into Norman Smiley though and chant pretty loudly for him.

XS goes for a double clothesline on The Kiss Demon that for some reason drops both Rave/Lodi and The Demon. Lane stays on his feet for a couple second before he too falls down from the maneuver, allowing The Demon to get to his corner.

Smiley gets a HOT TAG and cleans house with punches and then slams Lane. A schoolboy ends up getting a near fall on Smiley but the announcers are too busy randomly referencing Kiss lyrics to call the action. Demon and Lane end up outside and Norman puts Lodi in the Norman Conquest to pick up the win.

After the match XS yell at Miss Hancock for costing them the match and then attempt to kidnap her. They head up the ramp but the Screamin’ Demons make the save. They then return to the ring with Miss Hancock where Norman Smiley teaches her how to do the Big Wiggle.

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Referee Billy Silverman is also given Big Wiggle lessons much to his chagrin.

Winners: The Screamin’ Demons

This wasn’t a particularly good match, but goddamn was Norman Smiley and the Big Wiggle over! I know my friends and I used to mark out for it back in the day, but I didn’t realize other fans actually liked it as well (we also used to mark out for Jerry Flynn karate kicking dudes but were probably the only ones). I’m not saying that Smiley should have done more than he did, but he got over by being a comedy goof and fans were into him which is a fine since there’s a place for a goofball in the lower midcard and Smiley played the part well. [*½]

Meanwhile Backstage…

Booker T approaches Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson and yells at him about whether or not Kidman has his back in their match tonight.

Meanwhile Somewhere Else Backstage…

David Flair and Crowbar are sporting neckbraces and plotting their revenge against The Wall. Daffney is there. She has a red wig on and a tank top that says “Step-Child” on it. GET IT?!

Highlights For Children!

We get highlights of The Wall running roughshod over everyone, especially David Flair and Crowbar. After the video package the announcers put over how brave Crowbar and David Flair are to even be in the same building as The Wall.

Match 3: Bam Bam Bigelow vs. The Wall

This is a pretty basic mean guy match. They go back and forth for awhile clubbering each other and running into each other with clotheslines. Bigelow eventually manages to slam The Wall and then goes up and hits his diving headbutt which earns him a two count.

The Wall comes back with big boots to earn a near fall of his own, but the eats a running DDT from Bigelow that earns the Beast from the East another two count. The Wall comes back and clotheslines Bigelow sending both men out to the floor.

They fight up the ramp towards the back and end up in the “production area.” The Wall hurks Bigelow up and chokeslams him through a table with a pair of obviously fake computer monitors sitting on it. The monitors “explode,” as they hit the floor and the ref calls for the bell.

EMTs show up to stretcher Bigelow out but while this is happening David Flair and Crowbar attack The Wall from behind. He easily dispatches David Flair and then fights up the ramp with Crowbar and into the back. Lucky for David Flair those medics were there. We get shots of medical personnel attending to Flair and Bigelow. Daffney is somewhere screaming while all this is happening.

Eventually Crowbar and The Wall emerge atop the Titantron Turnertron. The fans are chanting, “JUMP!” at them. The Wall gets Crowbar up and chokeslams him off the scaffolding and through the floor of the stage. The Wall then smiles wickedly as security and medical people get Crowbar out of the wreckage.

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Everyone gets wheeled to the back and loaded into ambulances. Lash Laroux and Booker T are there looking considered and Tony tosses it to Mean Gene who is standing by with Brian Knobbs.

Winner: Bam Bam Bigelow?

This was a nothing match leading up to too much stuff happening. How unimportant was the match? I’m honestly not sure if Bigelow was actually the winner or if the match ended in a double count out since none of the announcers bothered to tell us. Cagematch says it was Bigelow via DQ, but I have no idea how they got that information.

As for the stuff at the end it was fine and made The Wall seem like a big scary monster, but god did they rush through all that stuff at the end. Bigelow goes through a table and monitors explode and the bell rings and EMTS come out and as the EMTs are walking over to Bigelow Crowbar and David Flair attack The Wall and then The Wall lays out David Flair and then Crowbar and The Wall fight to the back and then the EMTs load Flair and Bigelow onto stretchers and then The Wall and Crowbar fight onto the Turnertron and then The Wall throws Crowbar off the thing… It was all so rushed and 900 things were happening simultaneously so a lot of it ended up not even mattering.

Crowbar getting thrown off a thing was a cool spot and the feud between Bigelow and The Wall makes sense as does Crowbar and David Flair’s desire for revenge so this wasn’t completely awful, but fuck…let shit breath a little bit! [*⅓]

Meanwhile With Mean Gene…

Brian Knobbs looks concerned as fuck about what he’s just seen and dedicates his match to his fallen brothers: Crowbar and Bam Bam Bigelow.

Match 4: 3 Count (c) vs. Brian Knobbs
Gauntlet Match

This is for the WCW Hardcore Championship which  3 Count won from Brian Knobbs as a trio on an episode of Nitro a few weeks before this PPV. They come out and are going start to sing and dance for a bit but Brian Knobbs interrupts them and then returns backstage.

Tony Schiavone is bemoaning whether or not they should go on with the show after what just happened to Crowbar. Mark Madden has to then be like, “Uh…yeah I feel awkward making these Dad boner jokes I’m making here. (Insert follow up DAD BONER JOKE here).”

Knobbs returns with a cart full of plunder and begins chucking them into the ring at 3 Count. One of the 3 Count guys eventually comes off the top rope and nails Knobbs in the back with a mop as he’s still getting shit out of the cart and we’re off to the races.

Knobbs shrugs off most of 3 Count’s offense and then wrecks house on the boys. Pit Stops are the order of the day, taking out Moore and Karagias but Helms has a mask due to a broken nose which somehow prevents him from being taken out by Knobbs’ armpit.

Helms blasts Knobbs in the face with a chair and then 3 Count set up a ladder and whip the onetime Nasty Boy into it. They then set up the ladder in the center of the ring and proceed to do splashes and a Swanton off it. This is shot in such a way as to make the leaps look less impressive than they actually are…because WCW.

3 Count stop to dance which allows Knobbs a chance to recover and blast the champs with a fire extinguisher. He follows up by blasting Shane Helms in the face and pinning him. The bell rings and Knobbs’ music starts to play in spite the fact that this is apparently an elimination match.

Knobbs continues to chuck dudes around and hit them with plunder though so it’s just an, “Oh WCW why are you playing victory music mid-match,” headshake and not the “LOL WCW YOU JUST HAD A GUY WIN A NO DQ MATCH VIA A DQ!” belly laugh.

Knobbs fights the remaining 3 Count members on the outside before getting as Schiavone called it, “the table gimmick,” out from under the ring. Knobbs takes a minute to sent it up and then rolls Evan Karagias’ body into the ring just to powerbomb him out from the ring through the table on the floor.

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He covers Karagias and it’s down to Knobbs and Shannon Moore or at least that’s the story the announcers attempt to tell. In a surprising bit of logic from WCW 2000, however, Helms leaps in to attack Knobbs since it’s a no DQ hardcore match and shouldn’t matter that he was already pinned. It makes little difference though since Knobbs easily dispatches him again.

They do some more stuff leading to a table spot where Knobbs ends up getting dropkick by Helms into a table with Moore and just sliding off the top of the table into the corner with Moore landing on top of him. Bad times for Brian Knobbs. Referee Nick Patrick counts three but then waves it off because, you see, Knobbs had his foot on the ropes for a ropebreak in this no DQ, falls count anywhere hardcore match.

The match is restarted and Knobbs beats down all three members of 3 Count again. Shannon Moore gets the Hardcore Championship and offers it to Knobbs, who kicks it, allegedly into Moore’s face (into the air in reality). He lays out Moore and then gets a trashcan and goes up to the middle rope. He connects with a trashcan assisted splash to put away Moore and pick up the win.

As Knobbs regains the Hardcore championship, Professor Iron “Mike” Tenay declares, “Respectability just came back to the hardcore division!” I laugh.

Winner: Brian Knobbs

This was probably the most enjoyable match up to this point. Yes, a lot of it was bad brawling and unnecessary chairshots to the head and the rope break during a no DQ, falls count anywhere brawl was stupid, but 3 Count are a fun team and the stuff they did with the ladder looked pretty good. [*⅔]

Meanwhile Backstage…

Mean Gene interviews Harlem Heat, who at this point consist of Stevie Ray, Big T (Ahmed Johnson), J. Biggs (Clarence Mason), and some fat fucker named Cash. Stevie Ray says some stuff about Kidman not being able to trust Booker T or something and then Ahmed Johnson mumble-growls something but I have absolutely no idea what he is attempting to say.

Meanwhile in the Parking Lot…

The limo is still in the parking lot. No one has gotten out of the limo yet!

Meanwhile Somewhere Else Backstage…

Vampiro is standing by a later. He cuts a quasi Bray Wyatt promo about violence and how he’s ashamed by the violent things he does and thinks about doing. He wants to be a good guy but Fit Finlay keeps pushin him to do very bad things.

We go back to the arena for the next match and Tony Schiavone opines that, “You could subtitle Uncensored ‘Very Bad Things.'” You have no idea how right you are Tony…

Match 5: Kidman & Booker (w/ Torrie Wilson) vs. Harlem Heat 2000 (w/ Cash)

Booker T’s on screen graphic gives his name as just Booker because this is during that ridiculous angle where he’d lost the rights to the letter “T.” J. Biggs comes out with Harlem Heat and joins the commentators. Mark Madden acts like he grew up in the hood.

There’s a saying to be careful what you wish for that applies to the guest commentary here. While moments earlier Tony Schiavone was losing his shit because Miss Hancock wasn’t saying anything, J. Biggs won’t shut up here. He goes on and on and on and no one else can get a word in edgewise. It’s not entirely problematic since he’s at least talking about what’s going on in the ring or with the two teams participating in the match. At one point Tony tries to get him to talk about Crowbar getting thrown off the Turnertron but Biggs is like, “I don’t care about Crowbar, I only care about what’s going on with Harlem Heat!” I thought this was great!

Booker T and Stevie Ray start things off with Booker taking the early advantage with punches. Kidman comes in and does some power stuff on Kidman, and then tags in Big T. Booker T comes back in and kicks a bunch of dudes. Cash tries to get into the ring so Booker gives him an ax kick as well.

Harlem Heat takes over with a double bicycle kick before it’s back to Kidman. Kidman gets caught coming off the top and Harlem Heat double team him and beat him down. This leads to Torrie getting on the apron and getting called a yak by J. Biggs on commentary. I don’t know what about Torrie Wilson is particularly yak-like, but that’s neither here nor there.

Kidman plays the face-in-peril a bit and then gets thrown to the outside and Big T goes out into the crowd and then runs and jumps over the steel railing, attempting to hit Kidman, but comes up short and doesn’t even seem to touch him. Kidman takes a bump anyway and the announcers sell it as if it was the most amazing thing they’d ever seen in their lives.

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Kidman gets sent back in and Stevie Ray covers him after a spinebuster, but Booker comes in to break up the pin attempt. Kidman eventually connects with a bulldog that Schiavone calls a DDT on Stevie and both men crawl to their corners. Big T gets tagged in but Kidman is able to make the HOT TAG and bring Booker back in to clean house.

Booker hits a Book End on Big T that’s good for two. This brings Stevie Ray back in so Booker nails him with a Book End as well, but Stevie’s not the legal man. Harlem Heat recover and hit Booker with a double side slam and go for the pin, but Kidman flies in at the last possible moment to make the save. Tony Schiavone continues to be impressed by this teamwork.

Kidman shoves Stevie into Cash and comes in with a sunset flip on Big T but can’t quite get the big man over so Booker T hits the ax kick to help get him over and Kidman picks up the win, though I think he wasn’t actually the legal man, but whatever. Kidman’s music plays and he, Booker T and Torrie hug and celebrate their victory together.

Winners: Booker & Kidman

Booker T and Kidman both looked good here and got a serviceable match out of two guys of limited ability which is something of an accomplishment. The fact that Tony Schiavone kept talking about how well Booker and Kidman were working together and the fact that the heels kept putting over the fact that Kidman couldn’t trust Booker had me worried we’d get some sort of swerve where Kidman turns on Booker T or vice versa but it never actually came. They more or less wrestled a cleanish wrestling match and picked up a possibly clean win and then celebrated together. Maybe the turn is still to come. I can’t really remember but for now this was a fine tag team match if a little by the numbers. [**]

Highlights for Children!

We get another look at Crowbar being thrown from a great height through the stage again. Gotta get their money’s worth for however much it cost to build that set for Crowbar to fall through.

Highlights for Children!

We are then shown a video package recapping the feud between Finlay and Vampiro which seemingly revolved around Finlay repeatedly attacking Vampiro backstage for some reason and “respect.”

Match 6: Vampiro vs. Fit Finlay
Falls Count Anywhere Match

Both men come out with their arms in casts because of plot involving Lex Luger breaking dudes’ arms. This is apparently a falls count anywhere match because Uncensored is apparently WCW Extreme Rules.

The match begins in the ring with Finlay taking an early advantage. He takes Vampiro down and slaps on a nerve hold, but Vampiro fights back. They engage in fisticuffs before Vampiro goes up top and connects with a spinwheel kick off the top rope. He follows up with some karate or some shit.

Finlay seems to rake the eyes a couple times, but Vampiro doesn’t sell it. Eventually Finlay goes for a chair but Referee Charles Robinson takes it away from him for some reason. I guess a falls count anywhere match does not equal a no DQ match.

They go back and forth a bit more in the ring and then head outside for brawling. Finlay drops Vampiro throat-first on the barricade before they begin fighting in the crowd. They do that thing where they grab each other by the hair and randomly walk through the crowd for awhile, going up a staircase and out to a concourse.

They head towards the bathrooms with Finlay briefly dragging Vampiro towards the women’s room before he realizes what he is doing and brings Vampiro into the men’s room for some clubbering involving a steel wastepaper basket. Madden makes a Dad Boner joke about someone using a “urine-age,” as Vampiro fights back and climbs onto one of the stalls for a flying maneuver but ends up crashing and burning when Finlay chucks the wastepaper basket at him.

They then head back out onto the concourse which is now overrun with fans and bathed in a weird red light for some reason. They fight their way through the throng out onto a landing or something and Finlay hurks Vampiro up in a fireman’s carry. It looks like he’s about to drop him off the balcony to the parking lot below, but he thinks better of it and puts Vampiro down and they head back in to the concourse.

Things are fucking out of control here with the fans knocking security on their ass and stuff as Vampiro and Finlay attempt to do stuff. Vampiro ends up sending Finlay into a wall and then hitting the Nail in the Coffin to pick up the win. Fans quickly jump into the camera shot, undoubtedly trampling Vampiro and Finlay in the process.

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Vampiro then walks back into the arena proper and celebrates with a few fans in the crowd. We get a wide shot of the arena during this and it becomes clear how empty a lot of the arena actually is.

Winner: Vampiro

We’ve already seen a hardcore match and a match that ended with a guy getting thrown from a great height through a stage, so nothing here really seemed special. They walked around and threw each other into things and threw things at each other for a few minutes and then one dude did a move and won. It was more of the same. Add to that the out of control fans who got in the way of the wrestlers thus preventing them from doing anything more impressive than punches and shoves, and got in the way of the cameraman thus preventing those of us watching at home from seeing what the fuck was actually happening during the last half of the match and this one was kind of a dud. [½]

Meanwhile Backstage…

Jeff Jarrett is hanging out with those Nazi fuckheads, the Harris Brothers talking to them about their upcoming Tag Team Championship match. It’s just “pick up and delivery,” apparently.

Meanwhile With Mean Gene…

The Mamalukes and Disco Inferno are standing by with Mean Gene to talk about their upcoming title defense.  It’s a fine promo, but they don’t really say anything of crucial importance or anything that was batshit insane so it was mostly unremarkable.

Match 7: The Harris Brothers vs. The Mamalukes (c) (w/ Disco Inferno)
No Disqualification Match

The Harris Brothers are apparently in the nWo or something since they come out to the nWo theme song. The Mamalukes comes out with Disco. I think this is a heel vs. heel match but honestly have no idea. The Mamlukes are faces to me in this match by virtue of not being the Harris Brothers. Apparently this is a no DQ match.

Disco goes over to the announce location and becomes the next person in the cavalcade of guest commentators. He and Madden instantly start bickering with one another in an extremely annoying manner.

Vito and I think Don Harris start things off with Vito hammering on the Nazi scumfuck. The Harris Boys bail to the floor for a bit before heading back in. Johnny the Bull’s in now and hits a big powerslam on whatever Harris Brother’s in the ring with him before tagging Vito back in.

Don Harris no sells a double elbow to the jaw and instead hits Vito low to take over on offense. Ron Harris gets tagged in but the Mamalukes get back in control and hit an H-Bomb on him that’s good for two before Don breaks up the pin by kind of swatting at Johnny from the apron. Dude is so fucking lazy he doesn’t even get in the ring to break up the pin fall he just kind of rustles Johnny’s hair and Johnny stops pinning Ron. Fuck do the Harris Brothers suck six kinds of ass.

The Harris Brothers take over on Johnny, hitting a side slam on the Bull that’s good for two, but Johnny makes the HOT TAG and Vito hits the ring and lays out Harris Brothers with decent looking Mafia kicks. The Harris Brothers are horrible at feeding for him though so his stint of running wild looks awkward.

Vito hits Ron(?) with an elbow off the top rope that’s good for two. A Hart Attack follows for another near fall, but again the Harris Brothers take over. They work over Vito for awhile, double teaming him while the ref is busy admonishing Johnny the Bull for trying to illegally get into the ring during this no DQ match. They eventually hit Vito with the H-Bomb, but Johnny hits the ring and makes the save.

Eventually Disco hits the ring, nailing one of the Harris Brothers in the face with a belt and Vito covers but whatever Harris Brother it was that got hit kicks out. The other Harris Brother lays out everyone with the belt and then the Harris Brothers hit the H-Bomb to pick up the win and become the new WCW World Tag Team Champions. Fuck.

Winners: The Harris Brothers

Fuck everything. I don’t think The Mamalukes were a great tag team by any stretch of the imagination, but they were a perfectly cromulent team. They had a decent gimmick and were decent enough in the ring. On top of that Vito was pretty good on the mic and Johnny the Bull had a good look, and was young. The point is, they were infinitely better than the Harris Brothers, who were boring, shitty in the ring, and most importantly Nazi scumfucks. I really can’t think of a tag team I hate more than the Harris Brothers so to see them win here was not fun.

That being said the actual match was probably one of the better Harris Brothers matches I’ve had the misfortune of watching, though that was 100% because of the work of the Mamalukes and they remain one of the worst tag teams in the history of tag teams. I have no desire to see them defend the belts after this match. Way to kill off all interest in your tag team division WCW 2000! [⅛]

Meanwhile Backstage…

Finlay cuts a promo about how he beat respect into Vampiro and felt Vampiro’s respect for him. He puts Vamp over saying that the better man won tonight and tells Vampiro to keep that fire he showed tonight burning.

Meanwhile With Mean BY GOD Gene WOOO!

Luger talks about how he’s the Total Package and then Ric Flair yells some stuff about how Luger’s the Total Package! 4%! WOOOO!

Highlights for Children!

We get a video package highlighting the feud between Dustin Rhodes and Terry Funk. As far as I can gather the entire feud is over Dusty Rhodes’ toughness and Terry Funk hitting Dustin Rhodes repeatedly with an uncooked chicken.

Meanwhile With Mean Gene…

Dustin Rhodes says that tonight is going to be Terry Funk’s retirement match and when he gets through with Funk, Funk will admit that Dustin Rhodes is the American Nightmare.

Match 8: Dustin Rhodes vs. Terry Funk
Bullrope Match

This is going to be a bullrope match, because that makes sense to have on a card where there’s also a strap match.

Funk comes out with a microphone and a chicken on his hand like a boxing glove and tells Dustin that the only difference between him and his dad (Dusty Rhodes) is that Dustin isn’t as fat. He then tells Dustin that he has his baby brother there with him and brings out not Cody Rhodes, but rather a guy in a chicken costume. Dustin cannot believe this shit…

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In a rare moment of unity the entire commentary team shits all over this. Dustin meanwhile, chases the chicken around the ring and up the ramp to where Terry Funk is lying in wait to punch him in the face with a chicken.

They brawl on the ramp for awhile before finally heading into the ring to brawl some more. They’re not actually tied to the rope so Terry just whips Dustin with it and blasts him in the head with a cowbell for a near fall.

Dustin goes low to take over. They still aren’t tied together so now it’s Dustin’s turn to just beat Funk repeatedly in the head with a cowbell. He finally puts the rope around his wrist and Funk’s and then hits a DDT for a two count.

He follows with a bulldog onto the cowbell for another two count before the guy in the chicken suit shows back up. Dustin beats the fuck out of him sending him out to the floor but Funk comes back and crotches Rhodes on the top rope to take control of the match once more.

There’s a cowbell assisted low blow that causes Mark Madden to declare, “That’ll hurt your ding-a-ling,” because he’s six years old apparently and Funk gets on the mic. Funk announces that this match is now an “I Quit” match, but Referee Billy Silverman is like, “No can do Funker, this is a bullrope match, you can only win by pinfall or possibly submission, I don’t even know.”

Funk is not pleased by this and nails the ref with the cowbell. He then spams cowbell shots into Dustin Rhodes’ head and asks him if he quits. Dustin says he doesn’t quit a couple times before finally saying that he did indeed quit.

The referee recovers from getting hit with the cowbell and Funk tells him to have the ring bell rung since he one the match. The referee again stresses that this is not an I Quit match. Funk argues with him allowing Dustin a chance to recover. He nails Funk in the head with the cowbell and then hits a piledriver into the cowbell to pick up the win.

After the match he tells Funk to get up because he’s going to “ship him in a box back to Texas.” This is funny because Rhodes kind of mumbles so it sounds like he says he’s going to “shit him in a box back to Texas.” They brawl for a little bit and then Dustin Rhodes just runs up the ramp and heads for the locker room or something. The guy in the chicken suit is still laying on the ramp selling the attack from earlier in the match.

Winner: Dustin Rhodes

Parts of this were I guess okay, and in isolation would have been fine, but on a show where every match is a gimmick and involves brawling outside the ring this ends up feeling kind of samey. Parts of this were also exceedingly stupid, namely the entire chicken suit guy thing. Rare is the gimmick so stupid that not one single person on the commentary team will talk about how great it is. This would have been more enjoyable without the chicken suit guy and if there’d been more straight wrestling on this card, but on this card and with the chicken suit guy it just kind of sucked. [*]

Meanwhile with Mean Gene…

Sid Vicious yells some stuff about “Jeff…JARRETT!!!!” and tells Mean Gene that he’s going to watch his own back tonight.

Highlights for Children!

We are shown highlights of Lex Luger breaking everyone’s arms, apparently starting with Sting, putting the Stinger out of action since Starrcade.

Match 9: Lex Luger (w/ Miss Elizabeth) vs. Sting
Lumberjacks with Casts Match

This is a “Lumberjacks with Casts” match. All of the lumberjacks are men who had their arms broken by Luger in the lead up to this bout. In no particular order they included: Vampiro, Brian Knobbs, Head of Security Doug Dillinger, Jimmy Hart, Fit Finlay, and Curt Hennig.

Luger poses in the ring, but keeps looking over his shoulder to make sure the lumberjacks don’t jump him before the match, while over on commentary Mark Madden talks about how he’s not wearing any pants. Tenay and Schiavone seem amazed by this even though they’ve been sitting next to him for like an hour and a half at this point.

Luger apologizes to everyone for breaking their arms before and then brings out his own lumberjacks so he can have a fair shake tonight. Luger’s lumberjacks include: Hugh Morrus, Harlem Heat 2000 (including Cash), and the new WCW World Tag Team Champions, those Nazi fucks, the Harris Brothers. All of them have fake casts on.

Sting comes out and Luger jumps him before he even has a chance to remove his trench coat (which Schiavone calls “his cape”). Sting fight back and punches Luger out to the floor, but he lands in front of the heel lumberjacks so the let him catch his breath before he heads back in.

Sting goes through his greatest hits and connects with the big jumping elbow before sending Luger out to the floor. The face lumberjacks including Doug Dillinger and Jimmy Hart put the boots to Luger before the heel lumberjacks show up and brawl the faces and send Luger back in.

Luger and Sting fight some more and Sting sends Luger out to the heel side of the ring where they work him over with fake casts before the faces show up and start pummeling the heels. Sting heads back in while out of the floor tensions continue to run high.

Tank Abbott suddenly shows up, power walks down to the ring, punches Doug Dillinger in the face, smiles, and then power walks back up the ramp. The lumberjacks take this as their cue to leave and start brawling each other up the ramp and fight to the back.

In the ring Luger slaps on a chinlock as the cameras show us that Vampiro alone has decided not to neglect his duty as a lumberjack and has remained at ringside. Flair and Miss Elizabeth show up with chairs and brawl with Vampiro on the outside as Sting makes his comeback.

Flair comes in and rakes Sting’s eyes to cut him off, but the Stinger splashes him in the corner. Liz, however, hits Sting in the shoulder with a baseball bat before he can pin Luger. This causes Jimmy Hart to come back out and demonstrate why he always wore sunglasses all the time before dealing with Liz and dragging her off to the back.

Luger pins but Sting manages to kick out at two. Luger then goes for the Torture Rack but Vampiro comes in and nails Luger in the back with the bat. The ref turns around and sees him in the ring, but I guess this is a no DQ match as well, which makes Vampiro’s attempts to be sneaky about interfering seem kind of pointless.

Anyway Sting hits Luger with the Scorpion Death Drop to pick up the win. Afterwards he and Vampiro hug and point at one another.

Winner: Sting

I didn’t think it could be possible, but WCW took a concept which is generally overbooked to begin with and somehow managed to make it even more overbooked and because of that the actual match suffered. I’ve seen these guys have much, much better matches than this but I kind of understand half-assing it here. Why bother if the match is ending with outside interference? [*⅛]

Meanwhile with Mean Gene…

Gene is standing by with Tank Abbott and asks him why he knocked Doug Dillinger the fuck out. “Because he’s in the computer!” replies Tank.

Highlights for Children!

Jeff Jarrett hit Sid Vicious with guitars over and over and over and over again which apparently led to Jarrett getting a title shot here tonight.

Meanwhile in the Parking Lot…

The door to the limo is open, but we don’t get to see WHO’S IN THE LIMO?! because instead the announcers get word that the last two matches have been switched so now that World Heavyweight Championship match is coming up next!

Meanwhile in the Locker Room…

A guy shows up and is like, “Hey Sid your match got switched. It’s up next.” Sid’s like, “Are you sure? Oh jeez…” and then heads out to go have a wrestling match.

Match 10: Jeff Jarrett (w/ The nWo Girls) vs. Sid Vicious (c)

Michael Buffer is here to inquire if we’re ready to rumble. Even he can’t be bothered to do more than half-ass it here, stating that this is a match between “two men who hate each other’s guts,” or some such nonsense.

Jarrett comes out first and gets on the mic saying that he’s not an insurance policy to guarantee that he walks out the champion and then says that after he wins the nWo Girls will strip. For those keeping score at home the nWo Girls would go on to be Major Gunns and Scott Steiner’s “Freaks,” Midajah and Shakira.

Sid comes out and the match begins with Sid clotheslining Jarrett and working him over with horrible looking corner punches. Sid hits another clothesline that sends Jarrett out to the floor. They fight at the announce table with Sid slamming Jarrett onto it and then dumping someone’s water on him. Sid then climbs up onto the desk and comes off with a double axe handle and slips and falls on his ass because of the water he spilled everywhere.

They brawl into the crowd for the millionth time tonight as the announcers talk about how this isn’t even a no DQ match, and how great the WCW referees are for giving them this amount of leeway in a championship bout. Eventually the fucking Harris Brothers show up and beat down Sid, allowing Jarrett to take control.

They head back in an Jarrett unloads on Sid but is admonished by the referee for using closed fists. Eventually Jarrett slows things down with a sleeper hold, but Sid fights out of it and then lays Jarrett out with a big boot.

One of the Harris Brothers distracts Sid while the other gets up on the apron with a championship belt. Some how this leads to Jarrett going face first into the belt and covered, but he manages to kick out at two.

Sid with an Irish whip and then calls for the chokeslam but Jarrett goes low. Jarrett then elbows the referee and the announcers argue about whether or not it was intentional. Jarrett, to but this argument to bed then bounces the referee’s head into a turnbuckle and gets his guitar. He waffles Sid with it, but there’s no referee to count the pin because Jarrett had knocked him out!

Cue heel referee, Slick Johnson. Slick hits the ring and begins to count, but Hogan comes out after him and pulls him out of the ring to break up the count. Hogan decks Slick in the face and then hits the ring to dispatch the entire nWo 2000 on his own. He then drops a leg on Jarrett and drags Sid on top of Double J as the original referee comes back to life to count the pinfall.

Suddenly Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner appeared after not having been seen in months. The announcers speculate that Steiner must have been Jarrett’s insurance policy. If that is the case he did a really shitty job in insuring a Jarrett victory.

Anyway he blasts Hogan in the back with a guitar, laying him out right before his big YAPAPI STRAP MATCH JACK!!!

WCW 20000319 - Uncensored 008.gif

Winner: Sid Vicious

This was a bunch of really bad wrestling. They covered up Sid’s weaknesses with an overlong section of crowd brawling and overbooking, but it was still really bad wrestling. The only good thing about this was that it was short so it never really had a chance to get boring (though it would have had it gone a minute or two longer than it did). [⅔]

Match 11: Hulk Hogan vs. Ric Flair
Yapapi Strap Match

Hogan’s down in the ring due to Steiner’s guitar shot, so Ric Flair, the dirtiest player in the game runs down to the ring with a referee and a strap to get the YAPAPI STRAP MATCH JACK underway.

Flair hooks the strap which is comically long to each of their wrists and then gathers up a great portion of it and proceeds to whip Hogan with it. Unlike the earlier bullrope match, this is a strap match of the touch all four corners variety, but Flair either doesn’t know that or doesn’t care, since he just wails on Hogan for awhile.

At some point while this is happening Jimmy Hart, looking absolutely coked up out of his mind, heads down to the ring with one of Hogan’s weightlifting belts.

WCW 20000319 - Uncensored 006.gif

Eventually they head outside and Hogan takes over. What follows is a lot of punching and choking and whipping with the strap both in and out of the ring. Neither dude seems to give a fuck about winning.

They end up in the ring at one point where after Hogan chokes Flair and whips him with a weightlifting belt and steps on his head, the Nature Boy begs for mercy, but Hogan has none to give. The Hulkster then goes up for ten count-along punches before biting Flair’s face and then unloading with more rights.

In what is certainly a surprise to no one, Flair is bleeding now. He begs for mercy again and manages to catch Hogan with a poke to the eye. He the proceeds to go up top, but Hogan slams him back down to the mat. Over on commentary Madden talks about how going up top hasn’t worked for Flair since the first Starrcade, which if it isn’t actually true, might as well be.

They end up back on the floor where they trade chops. This might be the point in the match where Flair chops Hogan who no sells in which causes Flair to lament loudly, “OH GOD I’M SORRY!” More brawling follows with Jimmy Hart getting in on the action and whipping a downed Ric Flair before Flair begs off and heads up the ramp.

Flair and Hogan fight up by the stage. Luger, having seen enough shows up, blasts Hogan in the head with a chair while Miss Elizabeth looks on from the shadows and then heads back. Hogan’s now bleeding as Flair takes over with another low blow.

Back in the ring Flair continues to punch and choke Hogan. Hart comes in attempting to save Hogan only to get chopped down by Flair. Around here the camera cuts to a wide shot of the arena that shows the first twenty or so rows of the hardcam side of the arena are like 75% empty.

Flair goes after Hogan’s leg and then actually attempts to win the match. He touches three of the four corners, but Hogan holds on to the bottom rope so Flair can’t touch the last corner. Jimmy Hart ends up distracting the ref and Flair blasts Hogan with a pair of brass knuckles and then goes for a cover…in a match you can only win by touching all four corners of the ring. If that weren’t bad enough, the ref actually counts it. This leads to the greatest exchange between Tony Schiavone and Mark Madden ever:

Schiavone: “Hogan kicks out!”

Madden: “Kicks out of what? You can’t pin a guy in this match!”

Schiavone: “Yes, but you can always kick out!”

Hogan, after kicking out, begins his comeback. He lays Flair out a big boot and then begins touching turnbuckles. He gets three before Lex Luger shows up again and hits the ring. Hogan lays him out with a big boot as well and then something truly amazing happens: Hulk Hogan hit Flair with a Leg Drop and covered him. ONE! TWO! THREE! and the bell rang and his music began to play. He had won the strap match by pinning Flair.

As his music played, Hogan, as almost an afterthought, nonchalantly touched the final corner. “It’s like sweeping a double header, I guess,” says a depressed sounding Mark Madden.

Winner: Hulk Hogan

How do you fuck up something as simple as a strap match? This isn’t some zany overly convoluted Vince Russo match. The rules are so easy…and yet somehow none of the guys involved here knew what they were doing. Not Flair. Not Hogan. Not the referee.

Even if they hadn’t totally blown the finish to the match this one still would have been no good since it was just two old men whipping each other and bleeding as they walked around slowly. Complete and utter bullshit. [-****]

Final Thoughts

WCW 2000 often veers into “so bad it’s good,” territory, and that is often the case here, because like Tony said on commentary, “You could subtitle Uncensored ‘Very Bad Things.'” However there was a lot of stuff that just went so beyond “so bad it’s good,” that it looped back to being just bad again, primarily the entire main event thing. All in all this was an awful professional wrestling show with bad matches, bad booking, and bad commentary. Occasionally with these critically panned shows there will be a hidden gem or two, some lower card match generally that is pretty good, but larger overshadowed by far worse stuff elsewhere on the card, but here we didn’t even get that.

When a seven minute tag team match involving Stevie Ray and Ahmed Johnson that you could have just as easily seen on an episode of WCW Worldwide and a garbage match involving one half of the Nasty Boys are the two best matches on a show you know things have gone terribly wrong. It’s unfortunate too because WCW had some talented dudes at this time who were unfortunately languishing in pointless midcard feuds while the uppercard was dominated by the same shit we’d seen for years.

I think everyone in the company realized how much of a shitshow things had become because it was not long after this show that we got the New Blood/Millionaire’s Club reboot. Generally complete overalls are not a good thing, but here it was clear that something drastic needed to be done, unfortunately in hindsight the reboot was too little, too late to save what on this show already seems to be a dying company.

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