The opening is a little different than the Saturday Night’s Main Event openings we’re used to since it’s pretty much just Mean Gene doing voiceovers about the card as we see the various combatants rather than the traditional promos of yore. We do get a couple soundbites from the wrestlers though. Adrian Adonis, for example, gets a couple seconds to talk about how he “always wanted” Paul Orndorff.
Hulk Hogan meanwhile…
We’re also promised some footage from WrestleMania 2 before we head the the Providence Civic Center where our announcers for the evening, Vince McMahon and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan are standing by. There’s a lot of action to get to so let’s get to the action that we need to get to!
Earlier Today With Mean Gene…
At some point earlier in the day Mean Gene was in a locker room with the Funk Brothers and Jimmy Hart. They talk about their upcoming match against Hulk Hogan and the JYD. Gene asks what Jimmy Hart is going to do about the Haiti Kid being in Hogan and Dog’s corner. Jimmy Hart brings out his back-up, Jimmy Jack Funk. Mean Gene is not very impressed by this and throws it back to Vince.
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Back in the present, Mean Gene gets some words from Hogan, JYD and The Haiti Kid before their match. They cut your standard issue 80s WWF face promo on the heels. Gene asks whether the Haiti Kid (a midget) is afraid of Jimmy Hart, a man who is much larger than him. Haiti Kid replies that he’s never been afraid of a man who wears red underwear. Hogan then calls the Funk Bros., “two butt washers.”
Match 1: Terry Funk & Dory “Hoss” Funk Jr. (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. Hulk Hogan & The Junkyard Dog (w/The Haiti Kid)
Hogan comes out wearing JYD’s dog collar and chain while JYD has a Hulkamania t-shirt. They mimic each other when they hit the ring. JYD rips off his t-shirt and poses while Hogan barks and swings the chain.
The Funks attack before the bell so JYD and Hogan continue to impersonate one another. JYD bodyslams the Funks a couple times and Hogan gets on his hands and knees and does the JYD crawling headbutt thing, sending the Funks out of the ring. Jimmy Hart gets up on the apron to interfere, but Haiti Kid yanks him down.
The match officially gets underway with Hoss and JYD squaring off. Hoss gets slammed by JYD and promptly retreats to tag out. Terry gets an advantage with punches but misses with a corner charge and goes shoulder first into the post and tumbles out to the floor because he’s Terry Funk.
The Haiti Kid is there, so Terry decides to rough him up. He grabs Kid and tears his Hulk Hogan shirt apart before the Haiti Kid scampers under the ring. Funk gives chase, but JYD grabs him by the hair and pulls him back into the ring for a clothesline.
Hogan and Hoss tag in. Hoss goes for a criss-cross that brings Terry back in, but the Hulkster doesn’t fall for that bullshit and just wrecks the shit of both Funks. He hits a running elbow drop on Hoss that’s good for two.
JYD tags back in and hits a clothesline. Terry tags in and drags JYD over to his corner so he and Hoss can double team him. Terry is engaging in fisticuffs which causes Heenan to declare, “He shouldn’t hit him in the head. It’s amazing how nature protects the weakest part of the body with the strongest.”
JYD fights back but the match has become a total clusterfuck. Jimmy Hart attacks the Haiti Kid with the branding iron, doing grievous bodily harm to the little guy. JYD scoops him up to take him to the back for medical attention. Funk stomps on his head on his way out. Heenan says, “Looks like JYD is heading back to Rent-a-Midget to get him another midget,” as we head to commercial. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
We come back from the break to find Hogan single-handedly fighting off the Funks for awhile, but the numbers prove to be too much each for the Hulkster. Hoss dumps him to the outside. Hogan is set upon by Jimmy Hart and Terry Funk who jab at him with the branding iron.
Terry Funk brings Hogan up to the entrance way to get use the guardrail in a sequence that was more Memphis than 80s WWF. JYD returns to make the save and then whips Terry into Hogan who backdrops him to the concrete.
Back in the ring Hogan and JYD work over Hoss. JYD’s the legal man and the Haiti Kid is randomly back at ringside with his head all bandaged up. Hoss fights back with punches. JYD runs into a fist in the corner and Hoss tags Terry back in. The crowd is solidly behind JYD he fires up and he and Terry double clothesline each other. Both men are down.
Terry recovers and cuts off JYD with a headbutt that prevents him from making the tag. He goes up top, but misses with a top rope splash allowing JYD to make the HOT TAG to Hogan. Hogan hits a clothesline and then hits the legdrop and pins Terry Funk.
The Funks attack and clear out the ring. They isolate Haiti Kid and look like they’re going to murder him, but Hogan and JYD make the save. This brings out Jimmy Jack Funk who proceeds to do absolutely nothing. The Funks bail and Hogan and JYD celebrate in the ring. They are both doing JYD’s weird leaning thing and chomping in the air as “Another One Bites the Dust” plays.
Winners: Hulk Hogan and Junkyard Dog
It’s weird how much this reminded me of an early ECW match. There was just random brawling with dudes fighting all over the place. They fought out on the floor forever with no count out. Managers were getting involved without drawing a DQ. None of it was particularly good, but it was weird to see Hogan in this sort of match. [*⅓]
Earlier Today at the Weigh-In…
We head to the locker room to get the official weigh-in before tonight’s Battle of the Big Boys between King Kong Bundy and Uncle Elmer. Bundy weighs in at 468 pounds. Uncle Elmer shows up with a giant bucket of Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts that Mean Gene tries to get him to put down before getting on the scale. Elmer says that he’s going to eat it all before his match so it’s fine for him to have it with him. He, and his bucket, weigh in at 430 pounds.
Match 2: Uncle Elmer vs. King Kong Bundy
Time for the Battle of the Big Boys! Vince tries to get Heenan to go to ringside to manage Bundy, but Heenan stays on commentary for duration of the match.
The bell rings and Bundy tries to shoulder block Elmer, but Elmer no-sells Bundy’s shoulder blocks. Bundy goes to the eyes and then clubs him which causes Elmer to take a knee. Bundy chokes Elmer and boots him.
Elmer makes a comeback that consists of slamming his ass into Bundy’s crotch several times. He then whips Bundy into the corner and hits an avalanche. He goes for a second avalanche, but Bundy sidesteps it and Elmer eats the turnbuckle.
Bundy comes off the ropes and hits an elbowdrop that gets him three. Elmer pops back up as soon as the bell rings as if nothing happened.
Winner: King Kong Bundy
This was just an awful, awful match. I can get on board for 80s hoss fights, but this one was just bad. [-****]
Meanwhile in Adrian Adonis’ Dressing Room…
Adonis and Jimmy Hart have a cardboard cutout of Paul Orndorff. Adonis is singing, “Hey hey, Paula, I wanna wrestle you tonight,” to it.
Earlier Today in a Sauna…
Mean Gene and Paul Orndorff are conducting an interview in a sauna. This might be more homoerotic than the stuff that transpired in Adrian Adonis’ dressing room. Paul Orndorff is a horrible interview.
Match 3: Paul Orndorff vs. Adrian Adonis (w/ Jimmy Hart)
Orndorff starts off like a house on fire, hiptossing Adonis all over the goddamn place until he tumbles out of the ring to the floor. He heads back in where he’s promptly Irish whipped right out of the ring again. This is more or less the opening few minutes of the match.
Over on commentary, the face commentator, Vince McMahon, rants and raves about how much of a freak Adonis is because he’s wrestling in a dress, while Bobby Heenan, the heel, talks about how Adonis shouldn’t be judged for wearing what he feels comfortable wrestling in, even if it is different from everyone else. Different times my friends…
Orndorff gets Adonis in an abdominal stretch, but Adonis makes it to the ropes. Orndorff chucks Adonis back out to the floor and the pulls Jimmy Hart into the ring and proceeds to throw him out to the floor where he lands on Adonis. Both Adonis and Hart are out as we head to commercial break. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
We return to find Orndorff airplane spinning Adonis over the top rope and back out to the floor again. Orndorff gets pulled out of the ring but rams Adonis into the ring post and then turns his attention back to Jimmy Hart. He chases after Hart, allowing Adonis to get the megaphone and smack Orndorff with it.
Adonis gets in control and goes up top for a splash, but Orndorff gets his knees up. He mounts a comeback and hits a kneelift that gets Adonis tangled in the ropes. Jimmy Hart attempts to intervene so Orndorff decks him.
Adonis gets out of the ropes, but Orndorff is all over him. He tears Adonis’ dress to shreds and proceeds to choke him with it. The ref attempts to stop him, but Orndorff has snapped. He shoves the ref off and the ref calls for the bell. Adonis is declared the winner by DQ.
Winner: Adrian Adonis
This was kind of a weird match. Adonis bumping was kind of fun to watch, but he was otherwise treated like a complete jobber. I guess the ending kind of hinted at Orndorff’s return to being a heel ahead of his feud with Hulk Hogan, but this was otherwise a pretty boring match. [*]
Empty Arena Match Interview…
We go to the arena earlier in the day before the fans showed up for an interview with Hulk Hogan. Mean Gene talks to him about the ambush by King Kong Bundy at the last Saturday Night’s Main Event leading up to their cage match at WrestleMania 2. Vince narrates clips of both events before we go back to Mean Gene.
Gene asks if Hogan’s gotten his revenge and Hogan’s like, “REVENGE?! That match with Bundy was just to back up what I preach about Hulkamania bruther! BUNDY! MURACO! HEENAN! FUJI! I’M COMING FOR YOU! AND WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER DUDE JACK MAN WHEN HULKAMANIA RUNS WILD ON YOU!”
For as goofy as 80s Hogan could be the dude could cut some intense ass promos. I legit believed he wanted to tear dudes limb from limb by the end of this interview.
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Gene’s standing by Ricky Steamboat who will be going up the still undefeated Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Steamboat won’t tolerate Jake’s snake.
Earlier Today in the Locker Room…
Jake Roberts gives his snake, Damien, a pep-talk ahead of their match with Ricky Steamboat. Jake encourages his snake to “squeeze all the juice out of that little Hawaiian!” Jake Roberts is goddamn fantastic here.
Match 4: Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat vs. Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Roberts is out with his sack of snake. Steamboat heads down to the ring and hops on to the apron to wave at the crowd. Roberts blasts him with a pair of clotheslines that send Steamboat out to the floor. Roberts goes out after him and DDTs him on the concrete floor. There’s an audible thud and apparently this legitimately knocked Steamboat out.
Jake rolls him back into the ring and then dumps Damien on him. He tries to get the snake to choke Steamboat out but has to settle for having the snake go in Steamboat’s mouth. This causes Vince McMahon to freak out and scream like he would in the early days of Monday Night Raw, rather than use the blase sportscaster delivery he had in the 80s.
Some officials come down to try to get things under control and Steamboat is stretchered out of the ring. They cut to a shot of Mrs. Steamboat looking on in horror.
Winner: No Contest
Holy fuck what a way to kick off a feud! Sure it wasn’t a match, but that doesn’t matter since this ruled. If I’m not mistaken they have a rematch at the next Saturday Night’s Main Event that I recall being pretty solid. [NR]
Earlier Today With Mean Gene…
Gene at some point prior to this match was with the reigning champions, The British Bulldogs and their manager, Captain Lou Albano. Mean Gene credits Captain Lou for the Bulldogs’ big win at WrestleMania 2, but Lou’s like, “It was all the Bulldogs! They’re the greatest acrobatic wrestlers today!” The Bulldogs give some credit to Captain Lou and then we get clips of the Bulldogs winning the belts from the Dream Team at WrestleMania 2. Back to the Bulldogs, they says that they’re ready for their first title defense.
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Before we go back to Mean Gene in present day we get a shot of the crowd while Vince gives us an update on Steamboat, saying he has a minor concussion and will be out of action for a week.
Mean Gene is with Volkoff, the Sheik, and Freddie Blassie. They mumble some stuff. Voloff says he’ll win the titles again and make Russia proud. Iron Sheik randomly starts flexing. I have no idea what the fuck is going on here.
Match 5: Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik (w/ “Classy” Freddie Blassie) vs. The British Bulldogs (w/ Captain Lou Albano)
This is a two out of three falls match for the WWF Tag Team Championship. Volkoff sings the Soviet National Anthem and Sheik does his, “Russia #1! Iran #1! USA? Patooey!” spiel before the Bulldogs head out.
Davey Boy Smith comes out with a fury, suplexing Volkoff right out of the gate, but a hotshot from Volkoff turns the tides. Sheik tags in and nails Davey Boy with a back suplex and then gets him in the Camel Clutch. Davey Boy taps almost immediately. The heels are up by one fall as we break for commercials. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
We’re back and The Sheik hits a backdrop and a clothesline on Davey Boy and then gets him in an abdominal stretch. Davey hip-tosses him and goes for an elbowdrop but misses.
Volkoff is in and hits a lariat and then puts the boots to Davey. Davey manages a desperation sunset flip and gets a pin, but Sheik’s got the ref distracted allowing Volkoff time to kick out.
Sheik comes back in and hits a gut-wrench suplex that earns him a two count. He goes for a kick but Davey Boy blocks it and hits an ATOMIC DROP that’s good for two. Sheik tags Volkoff back in. Volkoff muscles Davey to the mat and goes for a pin but Davey Boy kicks out at two.
The heels cut the ring in half and work Davey over on their side of the ring. They take turns mauling him and even Blassie gets in on the action. Volkoff hits a press slam and goes for a pin, but Davey Boy gets his foot on the bottom rope.
Volkoff thinking he’s won stands up to celebrate. Davey shoves him into the Sheik and then rolls him up to get a three count and tie the match up at one fall a piece. Vince is straight up calling Volkoff an idiot as we go to commercials. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
We return from the break and Vince explains the reason why Dynamite Kid hasn’t been involved in the match. Apparently he had a torn ligament in his knee. The heels continue to work over Davey Boy. Sheik gets him in the Boston Crab, but Davey gets to the ropes.
Volkoff gets Davey Boy in a bear hug and hits him with a backbreaker. Davey fights out of it and hits a running powerslam that’s good for two. He gets to his corner and tags in Dynamite. Sheik goes after the knee and then gets him in a bear hug.
Sheik hits a suplex and then gets Dynamite in the Camel Clutch but Dynamite won’t tap. Davey Boy hits the ring to break the hold which brings in Volkoff. When the ref tries to get Volkoff out of the ring Davey Boy clubs Sheik and then switches places with Dynamite and gets the Sheik in a cradle. The ref counts the pin fall even though the Bulldogs are wearing different colored tights.
After the match Blassie complains about the shenanigans, but the ref’s decision stands.
Winners: The British Bulldog
This was kind of disappointing. The Bulldogs are generally pretty solid, but this was a lackluster match at best. I don’t know if Dynamite was legit hurt and that’s why Davey Boy pretty much worked the entire match by himself or what, but it made for a pretty mediocre bout. Plus the ending did of the match did The Bulldogs no favors since they had to cheat to win (and did so in a ludicrous manner at that). [**]
Meanwhile With Vince & Bobby…
McMahon gives us a rundown of the action we just saw but skips over the Bundy match which causes Bobby to gloat. We then get shots of the audience leaving the arena as Phil Collins plays us out.
The Jake and Steamboat angle is the best thing on the show but other than that the rest is surprisingly forgettable. Even the tag team title match, which you’d expect to be at least pretty good because of the Bulldogs is kind of mediocre at best because of the finish and the fact that Dynamite was legit injured prior to the match. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still easily the best wrestling match on the show, but it’s nothing really to write home about.
Heenan’s on commentary here, but he’s not quite the awesome commentator he’d become. I don’t know if that’s because he’s still pretty new at it, or because he didn’t have the same chemistry with Vince that he did with Gorilla Monsoon. I honestly kind of missed Ventura here.
All in all this is a pretty easy Saturday Night’s Main Event to skip.