After your slick looking, albeit standard issue, “Tonight some shit is gonna go down…IT’S DECEMBER TO DISMEMBER!” video package we head to some random arena or civic center in the ECW stronghold of…Augusta, GA? That can’t be right can it?
Pyro explodes and in spite it being almost 2007 when this is happening, “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor,” blares. We are joined by our announce team for the evening: Joey Styles and Taz. Joey promptly spoils the main event when he declares, “Tonight, a new ECW world’s champion will be crowned.”
Now, for those of you not well versed in random WWECW storylines from 11 years ago, this was not a situation where the title was vacant going into this event. Big Show was the reigning champ, and according to Joey Styles in two hours and change he was set to drop the belt.
Match 1: MNM (w/ Melina) vs. The Hardy Boys
Our opening bout for the evening (and one of only two matches announced prior to the show) features a whopping zero ECW competitors. We get the Hardy Boys taking on MNM in tag team competition. As dudes come out for the match we get some footage of the Hardys getting jumped by MNM. Styles talks about how we will NEVER see either of these teams again in ECW! Way to make me give a shit about what I’m watching Styles….
Matt and Mercury start things off for their respective teams and lock up but neither man has the clear advantage. TWO EVENLY MATCHED TEAMS! The lock up again and this time Matt manages a side headlock takeover that Mercury counters with some head scissors. Matt gets back to his feet and gets Mercury in another headlock.
Mercury uses an Irish whip to escape, but Matt hits him with a shoulder block and a hip toss. Mercury hits a mule kick, but Matt brings him down to the mat. Jeff and Nitro come in, but nothing happens. Mercury gets a wristlock on Matt. Matt counters with one of his own and then transitions into a hammerlock. Jeff tags in and continues to work the arm. Matt tags back in and he too goes right for the arm because nothing says ECW like isolating a body part and working it over.
Nitro gets the tag and runs right into a hip toss. Matt works over Nitro’s arm before tagging Jeff in. Jeff hits a slingshot dropkick that earns a two count. Some sloppy double team shit by the Hardys follows. Mercury hits the ring, but the Hardys do some overly convoluted wheelbarrow thing on him. I have no idea what it was supposed to do, but it killed him.
Nitro kicks Jeff in the face to escape from a jawbreaker and tags out to Mercury. The crowd begins chanting “She’s a crack whore!” at Melina which is lame. It was lame when people in Philly did it back in the day and it’s even lamer when people who weren’t even there do it because “that’s what we’re supposed to chant.” Melina flips them off because she doesn’t get paid enough for this shit.
Nitro taunts the crowd after hitting a neckbreaker on Jeff Hardy. He goes for a standing shooting star press but misses allowing Jeff to make the tag. Matt hits the ring and pounds on Nitro. Matt hits a back elbow and an elbow drop off an Irish whip and then whips Nitro into the corner. Matt follows in after him but into an elbow.
Nitro goes up top but Matt nails him and then hits a crucifix powerbomb and covers. ONE! TWO! NO! Matt runs the ropes but gets tripped up by Melina. Matt chases after her but Mercury comes up from behind the steps and clotheslines the hell out of Matt.
Back in the ring, MNM hit a Bushwhacker-esque stomach buster. Mercury then proceeds to work over Matt in the corner before Nitro tags in and hits a knee to Matt’s gut that earns him a two count. Melina gets Matt in a head scissors and Taz cums in his pants over it.
Meanwhile Nitro sucker punches Jeff which allows Mercury to come in for a double team maneuver. Melina screams and Taz gets another boner. Mercury covers but only gets two. Nitro tags in and some more shit happens. Jeff Hardy gets taken out and Matt gets whipped into the corner and MNM wreck his shit with Poetry in Motion…IT’S HIS OWN GODDAMN TAG TEAM MOVE! Some more things happen and Jeff Hardy gets the HOT TAG and runs wild with Matt.
Matt clotheslines Mercury out of the ring and then leaps out after him with a pescado. Nitro follows with a dive of his own and then Jeff goes up top and hits a body press on a pile of dudes.
Everyone gets back in the ring and the Hardys hit Mercury with a Poetry in Motion. Matt then hits a Twist of Fate, but Jeff eats shit on the mat when he misses with the senton bomb because Nitro pulled Mercury out of the ring.
Nitro springboards off the top rope and hits a missile dropkick on Jeff for two. He puts the boots to Jeff and then lays in some forearms. Mercury tags in and they slingshot Jeff Hardy into the corner. Nitro tags back in and Jeff starts fighting back so they just chuck him out of the ring.
Melina boots Jeff and slaps him while the ref has his back turned. Nitro rolls Jeff back into the ring and Mercury tags in. MNM hit a double-team dropkick that gets a two count. Some stuff happens and Jeff goes for a sunset flip but Mercury makes a blad tag and nails Jeff in the head before slapping on a chinlock. Jeff escapes the hold but gets rolled up for another two count. The camera gives us a shot of Melina’s tits to Taz’s delight since apparently he is playing the part of Jerry Lawler tonight.
Jeff blasts Mercury with a kick that sends him out of the ring, but he pulls Matt of the apron so Jeff can’t make the tag. He trips up Hardy and goes for a slingshot into the corner, but Hardy climbs the ropes and then comes off the top rope with the Whisper in the Wind and makes another HOT TAG to Matt Hardy who comes in and unloads on MNM.
He whips Nitro into the corner and then clotheslines him. Matt then hits a bulldog/clothesline combo platter that takes out both members of MNM. He follow up with Side Effects that lay out both men before covering Nitro for another two count.
Matt hits a scoop slam and then heads to the middle rope and hits a leg drop for another two count. Jeff tags back in and does some goofy looking hurracanrana spot with Nitro. Nitro goes up to the top for another overly convoluted spot only to get doubled suplexed by the Hardys.
Melina gets on the apron to prevent the ref from counting. Jeff gets in her face and blocks a slap. Nitro goes for a dropkick but Jeff moves so Nitro blasts Melina in the face. Jeff gets a roll up but only gets a two count.
There’s an Irish whip and Nitro boots Jeff. Nitro and Mercury connect with the Snap Shot. Matt breaks up the cover at two and ninety-nine one hundredths, but gets dumped out of the ring by Mercury.
MNM set up Jeff for a Super Snap Shot off the top rope. Matt comes back and fights them off from behind and takes them out with a double Diamond Cutter. They homoerotically stack MNM on top of one another in an MNM Sandwich (without peanut butter according to Taz). Jeff hits a senton off the top rope onto the heap of MNM and makes the cover for the win.
Post-match Melina is still down selling her nose which makes me wonder if she maybe got blasted for real.
Winners: The Hardy Boys
This was a 10 minute match stretched out to 20 something minutes. The opening was okay and the last five minutes were pretty good, but the middle could have be cut entirely without losing anything except some sloppy looking wrestling and a few dozen hot tags.
The commentary was pretty terrible here with Taz doing his best Jerry Lawler impression and Joey Styles doing his damnedest to make me give zero fucks about this match. Yes, Taz, I understand that Melina is a moderately attractive woman. I have eyeballs too. I don’t need you reminding me every 3 seconds about her attractiveness.
Sadly this was the best match of the night. It all goes down hill from here kids! [**⅛]
Meanwhile Earlier this Week on ECW.com…
A stoned as fuck looking RVD talks about how he could end up battered and bruised and maybe even permanently maimed in the EXTREEEEEEEME Elimination Chamber but he says the prize is well worth the risk. What prize is that, you ask? Why the ECW Championship of course!
Match 2: Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney
Striker comes out in a sweater vest and horrible trunks that have a picture of his face on the ass. He gets on the mic and talks about how the ECW fans just want blood and violence. He asks them if they want to see him in an Extreme Rules match. The crowd goes wild…or at least as wild as this crowd can go.
“Okay, tonight I’ll wrestle in an Extreme Enforcement of Rules match!” he says and then lays out the rules that will be abided by: no eye gouges, no hair pulling, no top rope maneuvers and no foul language.
“FUCK YOU!” screams the crowd.
This is some decent heeling, but the match that follows isn’t really that great. Balls Mahoney comes out and he and Striker proceed to have a scientific wrestling match, which is totally the sort of thing you want to see from Balls Mahoney. To be fair, Balls isn’t that awful, but there was a reason that he was basically a brawler for his entire non-Xanta Klaus career.
The cameraman is fascinated with Matt Striker’s ass. We get about a half dozen different shots of his butt over the course of this six or seven minute match, because if there was one thing that best exemplified old ECW it was man ass.
At one point he goes for a leap frog which causes Matt Striker to audibly ask him, “What was that?” to which Balls replies, “It was a leap frog,” before taking Striker down.
Balls charges Striker in the corner and ends up going shoulder first into the ringpost. Striker then proceeds to work over the arm. He hits a ridiculous move on Balls’ arm that was pretty much a back bump onto Balls’ arm. This is not good. Arm bars follow.
Every time that Balls starts to mount a comeback he gets cut off with an armbar. Eventually Balls goes up top but he gets crotched by Striker who shakes the ropes behind the ref’s back. Back to the arm. No one gives a fuck. The crowd is more or less silent.
Balls hits a back suplex and then some shitty punches. There’s an Irish whips and Balls hits a back body drop and then does his jabs. The crowd half-heartedly chants “Balls!” with each shitty punch. Striker hits a big boot, but Balls gets him with a sit-out spinebuster OUTTA NOWHERE for the win.
Winner: Balls Mahoney
This sort of match could have been a decent part of a feud if it’d been given a build. The idea of a by the books, school teacher guy who is condescending and anti-extreme would have worked as a descent low-level midcard heel in ECW, but here without any build up it was just a random match.
Balls did better than I expected in the match, but the decision to have him to wrestle a style he didn’t normally wrestle was kind of perplexing and did not lead to a particularly exciting match, especially at a show where people wanted the blood and violence and mayhem that was synonymous with ECW.
To be honest, I would have expected Mahoney to have at least gotten a chair out at the end of the match to chase Striker off or something, but nothing of the sort happened. That being said, Balls Mahoney would end up being the sole “ECW guy” who won his match, and that’s gotta be worth something. [⅔*]
CM Punk is punching and kicking the air in preparation for his match later tonight.
Meanwhile Somewhere Else Backstage…
A mess of people are gathered around Sabu’s corpse. Someone took him out! He’s apparently “unresponsive,” and thus will not be competing in the EXTREEEEEEEME Elimination Chamber match. The crowd is not pleased with this turn of events and begins chanting “BULLSHIT!”
Match 3: The FBI (w/ Trinity) vs. Elijah Burke & Sylvester Terkay
Terkay and Burke come out first and Burke gets on the mic and talks about how they are like wild animals in heat and plan on leaving their mark on ECW. Okay boys, whatever you say. The FBI come out next with Trinity wearing something that I guess counts as clothes. No one in the audience gives a fuck about anyone in this match.
Burke, wearing a ridiculous red cap, begins wrestling Guido. He takes Guido down and starts slapping him in the back of the head. A moment later Guido returns the favor and after slapping Burke in the head, takes his red cap and puts it on and wrestles with it on before tagging Mamaluke in.
Mamaluke gets Burke in a roll up thats good for one and then hits a side headlock takeover with a wristlock. Guido comes back in and he and Mamaluke take Burke down with a double hip toss and then hit a double elbow drop on him. Guido makes the cover and gets a near fall.
Mamaluke tags back in but gets a knee to the gut and Burke makes the tag. Terkay comes in and beats the fuck out of Mamaluke in the corner with knee strikes. He whips Mamaluke into the corner and then about eight years later goes for a cross body block that misses.
Guido goes up top, but jumps right into Terkay’s arms who proceeds to press slam him into Mamaluke outside the ring. Guido gets back in the ring where Terkay proceeds to beat the fuck out of him for awhile before Burke tags back in.
Burke pummels Guido and the goes for a pin which gets two. He puts Guido in a reverse chinlock but Guido elbows Burke to escape and then cheapshots Terkay because Guido is an idiot. Terkay nails him and after booting him in the head whips Guido into the corner so Burke can hit a double knee to the face and a front leg sweep that gets him two.
Burke goes back to the chinlock, but eventually Guido makes the tag to Mamaluke. Mamaluke comes in and hits a bunch of dropkicks on Burke and then a diving forearm. Terkay comes in as does Guido, they kick him in the shins and then hits stereo dropkicks. Flapjack on Burke and Mamaluke goes for the pin, but Burke kicks out at two.
Guido gets hurled down the aisle by Terkay and Mamaluke gets decapitated with a forearm. Burke hits the Stroke and covers Mamaluke to pick up the win. Afterwards Guido gets thrown back into the ring and Terkay hits a Muscle Buster.
The combination of Stroke and Muscle Buster is enough for one guy to start a “TNA!” chant. The crowd is dead enough that you can hear a single man chanting “TNA!”
Winners: Sylvester Terkay & Elijah Burke
This was basically a match that you could have seen on Sunday Night Heat or Velocity or whatever C-Show WWE had in 2006. It was just four guys having a wrestling match because they work for a wrestling company. They weren’t feuding. No one had beef with anyone else. It was just a wrestling match. It was mostly okay, but there was no reason this should have been on Pay Per View. The highlight of the match was probably Elijah Burke’s hat which is a sad state of affairs indeed. [*]
Sabu gets loaded into an ambulance as C.M. Punk, RVD and a bunch of geeks look on in concern. I find it hard to believe that something in this arena could have taken out Sabu so easily, unless this is just a swerve and he’s going to come back in the middle of the match and drive the ambulance into the EXTREEEEEEEME Elimination Chamber or something.
Match 4: Daivari (w/ The Great Khali) vs. Tommy Dreamer
Joey Styles says that in some random match three weeks ago Tommy Dreamer picked up a DQ win over Daivari when the Great Khali interfered. This is apparently why this match is happening.
They lock up to start and Daivari gets the early advantage. He punches Dreamer a lot and some other shit happens. It’s just random wrestling. Who cares anymore? They end up outside for some reason and Daivari attempts to whip Dreamer into the barricade but it gets reversed so Great Khali lumbers over to protect Daivari. They head back into the ring and Dreamer takes control of the match.
He runs the ropes but Khali pulls the top rope down which causes Dreamer to fall out of the ring out to the floor. The ref is like, “HEY, GREAT KHALI! GET OUT OF HERE!” and points towards the back. Khali, perhaps not understanding what is going on, merely points back at the ref and scowls. Eventually Daivari and the ref convince Khali to head to the back while the crowd sings that stupid song.
Back in the ring Daivari beats on Dreamer, hitting a snapmare and then working over Dreamer’s neck. A chinlock follows. Daivari goes for a pin, but the crowd lackadaisically gets behind Dreamer and he kicks out. SLEEPER HOLD from Daivari because the chinlock wasn’t extreme enough.
Dreamer mounts a comeback and some stuff happens. He hits a Scorpion Death Drop at some point for a near fall and later goes for a Death Valley Driver but Daivari escapes by raking Dreamer’s eyes.
Davari hits some elbows and shit but misses a cross body so Dreamer sets him up in the Tree of Woe and hits a running basement dropkick. “VINTAGE TOMMY DREAMER!” screams Joey Styles. No, Styles, vintage Tommy Dreamer had MC Hammer pants on and suspenders. This is fat, old Tommy Dreamer.
Dreamer goes for a DDT but gets rolled up by Daivari FROM OUTTA NOWHERE. Daivari places his hand near Dreamer’s waist which apparent “hooked” Dreamer’s tights and made it physically impossible to kick out allowing Daivari to pick up the win.
Post-match Dreamer chases Daivari up to the stage and into the backstage area, but Great Khali comes back out and chokeslams the fuck out of Tommy Dreamer on the unforgiving steel of the stage at the top of the ramp.
“I can’t feel my feet…” whines Dreamer before he randomly stands up literally a minute later and salutes the crowd that is chanting ECW at him.
Joey Styles really stretching to come up with a reason for this match to occur. Again, there’s nothing really wrong with the wrestling that happens here, but it’s more wrestling for the sake of wrestling with absolutely nothing at stake; another match that would be better suited for Sunday Night Heat than a PPV. Poor Tommy Dreamer having to take such a stupid bump in such a meaningless match at a garbage PPV. [⅝*]
Paul Heyman is looking for someone and that someone is fucking “Hardcore” Holly. Heyman thinks that ol’ Sparky Plugg will be a suitable replacement for Sabu in the EXTREEEEEEEME Elimination Chamber match and offers him the spot. Holly accepts. The audience is not pleased with this turn of events.
Match 5: Mike Knox & Kelly Kelly vs. Kevin Thorn & Ariel
Time for heel vs. heel mixed tag team match. That’s sure to revive this dead crowd! What are they feuding over? Nothing? Damn, this aught to be fan-fuckin’-tastic…
Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly are out first. Knox doesn’t have a giant beard yet. Kelly Kelly is his on-screen girlfriend and apparently an exhibitionist. As Mike Knox stands on the ropes and poses Kelly Kelly gets a mic and wishes CM Punk luck in the EXTREEEEEEEME Elimination Chamber much to Mike Knox’s dismay.
Kevin Thorn and Ariel are out next. Kevin Thorn is a vampire, a vampire named Kevin. Ariel is a goth chick with giant boobs and an ass to match. They make out in the ring as Joey Styles and Taz talk about “bite clubs.”
Kevin the Vampire and Knox start things off. Kevin has an amazing outfit. He’s rocking red wrestling tights with vest and a necktie. They do some stuff. No one in the audience cares. Business is picking up as we get a shot of Ariel’s ass.
The Vampire and Mike Knox have a match that no one gives a shit about. Ariel is going nuts on the apron though which causes the audience to go nuts any time she leans over. After a few minutes of mediocre TV match wrestling, Ariel makes the blind tag when Mike Knox has Kevin the Vampire in the corner.
I thought for a second she was going to fight Mike Knox, but this mixed tag team match is being contested under Violence Against Women Is Unconscionable rules so she just yells at him to tag in Kelly Kelly. He does and Ariel promptly begins to kick her ass.
She kicks Kelly Kelly in the tits and then follows up with a lot of hair pulling, choking and that Kevin Nash boot to the throat choke. Kelly Kelly screams a lot. Joey Styles does not once yell, “CAT FIGHT! CAT FIGHT!” but we do get a bajillion shots of Ariel’s ass. She mocks Kelly Kelly and then drops an elbow.
Kelly Kelly has had enough and goes for the tag but Mike Knox slowly pulls his hand back and walked away just like Sid did to Hogan in that one episode of Saturday Night’s Main Event. Kelly Kelly looks like she’s going to cry and the crowd begins to chant “CM Punk.” Ariel chokes Kelly Kelly some more and then pins her by sitting on her face to pick up the win.
After the match Ariel keeps pounding on Kelly Kelly until the Sandman’s music hits. He chugs a beer and smashes the can on his face, busting himself open and becoming the first person to bleed on this ECW event.
He comes down to the ring and canes the fuck out of Kevin the Vampire who then runs away. Sandman chases after him and the match ends.
Winners: Kevin Thorn & Ariel
This was not a good wrestling match in the slightest, but I kind of think Ariel/Salinas/Shelly Martinez is kind of hot, so the gratuitous shots of her ass during this match were kind of fun and good for a quarter star I guess.
As for Sandman, I guess in WWECW he has kind of taken on the role of 911 in the original ECW. He shows up when shit sucks and just destroys it to pop the crowd. [¼*]
Meanwhile With Michael Cole…
Michael Cole kills some time by hyping Armageddon 2006. Undertaker vs. Mr. Kennedy in a Last Ride Match! Kane vs. MVP in an Inferno Match! Cena & Big Dave vs. King Booker and Fit Finlay! Don’t miss it in two weeks!
Some random lady interviews Bobby Lashley about Hardcore Holly getting added to the match. This lady is really bad at talking. Lashley’s not much better. “One man. One mission. The ECW Championship,” he says.
We see highlights from a match between Lashley and Big Show.
Meanwhile Somewhere Else Backstage…
Big Show makes his way toward the ring with Paul Heyman, Hardcore Holly, Test, and a couple riot police.
We get a hype video for the match that is coming up as soon as the hype video ends.
Match 6: Big Show © vs. Rob Van Dam vs. C.M. Punk vs. Test vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Bobby Lashley
It’s time for the EXTREEEEEEEME Elimination Chamber match to determine the ECW Champion! What makes this different from a regular Elimination Chamber? Well, each pod has a weapon inside it so whenever a new challenger comes in a new weapon enters play as well. That’s pretty much it.
Before the match gets underway, Paul Heyman comes down to the ring with his riot cops. He has the original ECW theme music as his entrance music which is pretty great. Heyman gets on the mic and talks about how when Hulk Hogan dies, Hulkamania will die with him and when Ric Flair kicks the bucket the WOOOs will stop, but even after he’s dead and gone ECW will live on forever. Um…sorry Paul, but it would last a couple more years after this horrible PPV before being canceled.
Heyman talks some more about how the time of Tommy Dreamer and the Sandman and Sabu had come and gone and now was a new era of ECW lead by the Big Show as ECW Champion.
While he’s cutting this promo you can hear individual people in the audience yelling shit. How dead does a crowd have to be to be able to pick out individual people yelling shit?
Anyway the Elimination Chamber descends from the ceiling and the contestants make their way down to the ring. Big Show is out first and he gets in a pod with a barbed wire baseball bat. Next out is CM Punk who either picks or was assigned the pod with the steel chair. Test goes in the pod with the crowbar and Bobby Lashley goes in the pod with the table. The last match ended like 20 minutes ago.
Hardcore Holly and Rob Van Dam come out last and they start things off with some back and forth wrestling until the end up out on the steel. RVD goes up top and leaps onto the chains like Spider-Man, but then misses a springboard off the ropes.
Holly hits a scoop slam and then rams RVD into the chains. Holly hits another scoop slam and then goes up to and leaps off for the sole purpose of catching a big boot in the face. RVD goes back into the ring and hits a Rolling Thunder that goes over the top rope out to Holly who’s laid out on the steel.
RVD goes for a suplex, but Holly blocks him and suplexes RVD back into the ring and pins for two. The trade blows back and forth and then Holly whips RVD off the ropes and drops him with a dropkick for another two count as the timer expires and lights flash…
CM Punk pod opens and he comes out a house on fire, hurling the chair in Holly’s face and springboarding off the top rope to dropkick RVD. Punk grabs chair and throws it to RVD, but that’s like trying to powerbomb Kidman. RVD just throws the chair back at Punk and nails him in the head.
RVD lays the chair in the center of the ring and then kind of monkey flips CM Punk into it. RVD tries to sweep the leg, but Punk leaps over it and slams RVD’s head into the chair. A springboard dropkick that sends Holly out onto the steel follows.
Punk wedges the chair in between the turnbuckles and then picks up RVD’s body. His face seems to be bleeding. Punk whips RVD into the corner so that his already bleeding head busts through the chair.
Punk goes for a hurracanrana, but gets caught by Holly who swings him face first into the chain wall of the chamber. Holly goes for a pin, but Punk kicks out at one. Holly proceeds to stomp on Punk and hits a side suplex for two.
Holly suplexes Punk across the top rope and then kicks him back into chains. He then goes and kicks RVD a few times for good measure before dumping Punk back into the ring. He sets up Punk on the top turnbuckle and lays in some chops before he hits a superplex.
RVD crawls over and tries to steal the pin, but Punk kicks out at two. Holly goes for a cover and again Punk kicks out at two. Punk gets back to his feet and whips Holly into the corner and nails him with a knee but promptly gets laid out by a dropkick from RVD as the crowd begins to countdown the timer…
Test comes in and nails Punk in the ribs with the crowbar and then goes over and puts it in RVD’s wound and digs into it which is kind of disgusting. He then goes and chokes Punk out with the crowbar, but Punk stuns him on the top rope to stop him from running wild.
RVD clotheslines Holly and then boots him in the face to put him down. RVD gets the chair and brains Test with it. Holly gets a chairshot too and then he dropkicks it into Punk’s face as he’s dead in the corner. Ten second later CM Punk starts selling like he got shot, flailing around in the middle of the ring. RVD goes up top and nails Punk with the Five Star Frog Splash and pins him, making CM Punk the first man to be eliminated.
Test gets back to his feet and looks like he’s going to kick RVD, but instead blasts Ol’ Sparky Plugg with the big boot. ONE! TWO! NO! Hardcore Holly is for some reason still eliminated in spite the ref never counting three and Test breaking the pin. ECW! ECW! ECW!
RVD comes off the top rope with a missile dropkick and then goes over to Big Shows pod and after flipping him off, begins to climb on top of it because RVD is a moron. Big Show promptly grabs his foot through the top of the pod which allows Test to climb up after him and wail on RVD with the chair. Test pulls him off and then places the chair on top of RVD’s face and climbs up on top of Big Show’s pod and hits a flying elbow drop. “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”
The crowd soon, however decides that they are not pleased with this and begin chanting “We want refunds!” A minute or so goes by with Test just chilling out in the ring since everyone else is either eliminated or still in their pod.
Bobby Lashley’s pod lights up but Paul Heyman’s riot cops come out and prevent Lashley’s pod from being opened. Lashley ends up busting through the chains on top of his pod with his table, rather than the plexiglass door or wall of the pod. This is fucking stupid since he promptly destroys the pod’s walls and doors by whipping Test into it.
Lashley beats the fuck out of Test for a few minutes almost continuously with Test getting in some scant offenses before Lashley hits a snap suplex onto a crowbar and then a spear to put Test away.
For a couple minutes Lashley attempts to bust into Big Show’s pod, since again they booked a couple minutes of one guy being in the ring by himself. Heyman is giving Show advice as Lashley hurls chairs and crowbars at the plexiglass.
Show’s pod eventually opens and he comes out with the barbed wire bat. He swings it at Lashley but Lashley blocks it with the chair. The barbed wire bat ends up getting tangled up in the chains that comprise the walls of the chamber and Lashley goes on the attack. He slams Show’s head into the chains rather that into the barbed wire located a couple inches over from where he was standing and the throws Show through a pod. Show’s busted open and bleeding from the head.
Paul Heyman is screaming at Show to be careful because Lashley is super dangerous. Show bust out through the other side of the pod he’d been thrown into, and hurls Lashley back into the ring. He signals for the chokeslam, but Lashley counters and nails Show with a DDT.
The two men trade blows for awhile until Show chucks Lashley into the corner. He goes for a charge but misses. Lashley goes for a cross body block but gets caught by Show. Show goes for a slam, but Lashley escapes and spears Big Show. ONE! TWO! THREE! Your winner and new ECW Champion, Bobby Lashley.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
There were parts of this match that were not awful. The beginning was pretty good and Big Show busting through the walls of the pod at the end and manhandling Lashley were also pretty solid, but the overall booking of the match was kind of shit.
Taking Sabu out of the match before it even began was kind of shitty and then eliminating both Punk and RVD within three minutes of one another kind of took whatever enthusiasm the audience had left out of them. Seriously when Test hit the biggest, most ECW-esque spot of the match they popped huge and almost instantly when they realized RVD was gone they started chanting “We want refunds!”
And then there’s the dead time. Why were there two instances of a guy just chilling out in the ring by himself? I can get doing it once if you’re trying to put over a dude as an unstoppable monster who dispatches his foes mad quick, but why do that with Test too? It made an already boring match even more so. [**]
A lot of times I read about matches or PPVs that are “the worst ever,” and after viewing them myself find that they aren’t really as bad as their reputation makes them seen. This is not such an instance. The scorn heaped upon this event is not only deserved, but perhaps not as strong as it should be.
This was a $40 PPV where two matches were announced before hand and the remaining bouts were seemingly selected by picking names at random out of a hat. None of the matches here were happening because of long standing feuds or to advance any storylines. They were just matches, which is fine for a C-Show like Velocity or Superstars or Saturday Morning Slam, but on a PPV?
A lot of the problems with this show seem to be the result of Paul Heyman and Vince McMahon disagree on the direction of ECW as a brand and McMahon’s insistence that Bobby Lashley be made champion rather than listening to the fans and pushing CM Punk who the audience had really connected with and both Heyman and Big Show wanted to put over in the Elimination Chamber.
McMahon was vehement that Lashley win. Few were surprised when the fans were unhappy with this. Also not surprising was the fact that this would be the last ECW brand PPV. Paul Heyman left the writing staff immediately after this show as well, though ECW as a brand would continue a few more years before ultimately being cancelled.
While some lessons were clearly learned from this fiasco, others that should have been were not. NXT exists today as the same sort of finishing school for wrestlers deemed not quite ready for the main roster, but it’s more or less left to its own devices without interference from Vince McMahon or others from the head office. The stubbornness that lead to Lashley getting pushed as the face of ECW over CM Punk, however, still plagues WWE today.