It’s time for another installment of Saturday Night’s Main Event. This one took place a couple days after Halloween so the opening montage of promos features a bunch of dudes in costumes while the music from the Halloween movie franchise plays in the background.
We’ve got Mean Gene dressed up as a pumpkin with Bobby Heenan dressed up as Davy Crockett getting ready for some sort of Halloween festivities. Gene asks if Heenan’s hat is a weasel, he insists that it’s a raccoon. Heenan is practicing for the pumpkin dunk later this evening.
What’s a pumpkin dunk you ask? It’s like bobbing for apples, but instead of apples there are pumpkins, and instead of water the tub is filled with chocolate for some reason. Maybe because they’re in Hersey, PA for this installment.
We head next to Hulk Hogan screaming about his upcoming match with Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy. You can tell he’s serious because he’s got his droopy ass headband on again. The last time he had that on he prevented a nuclear holocaust.
Andre shows up and chops him in the chest and is like, “Yo chillax Hogan, let’s go get ready for our match.”
Roddy Piper is dressed as Superman and is chilling with Jesse Ventura who is wearing a costume that’s probably more conservative than his normal attire. Ventura talks about how happy he is that Piper fucked up the Hillbilly wedding during the last Saturday Night’s Main Event.
Mean Gene is standing by with newcomers Terry Funk and “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart. Funk says that he’ll house train the JYD in their match tonight. Mean Gene criticizes Funk for having a mouth full of chaw, so Terry Funk spits it into the camera and we go to the Saturday Night’s Main Event intro.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura! They run down the card and as they talk about various wrestlers they cut to people in the audience dressed as the aforementioned wrestler.
While most are pretty standard issue dressing up as a wrestler costume fare, one of them is creepy as as fuck. For reals, check this thing out…
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Gene is with Funk and Hart and he shows a clip of Funk beating up a ring attendant and a female referee trying to stop him. Hart says that this is just special effects and television tricks to make Funk look bad. They head off and Gene shows a clip of Funk beating up JYD at Madison Square Garden with a branding iron.
JYD is here now and says that every dog has his day. That night in Madison Square Garden was Terry Funk’s day, but tonight’s going to be his.
Match 1: Terry Funk (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. Junkyard Dog
JYD heads down to ring to “Another One Bites the Dust,” at attacks Funk before the bell rings. JYD crotches Funk. They head back in and after a slam JYD gets on his hands and knees and does a bunch of weird ramming headbutts causing Funk to head out to the floor again.
At some point Funk is on the outside and grabs Jimmy Hart and is going to punch his face in because apparently he thinks Jimmy Hart is the JYD. Shrug.
In the ring Funk shoves JYD into the ropes and Hart trips him up. JYD goes down to the floor and chases after Jimmy Hart, but Funk runs up behind JYD to attack only to get back body dropped onto the floor.
Back in the ring, Funk mounts a comeback, nailing JYD with a bunch of punches and earning himself a near fall. He follows this up with a sleeper, but JYD makes it to the ropes for the break. JYD ducks a clothesline and then gets Funk in a sleeper hold of his own, but he releases the hold when Jimmy Hart gets up on the ring apron.
He brings Hart into the ring and then chases him around the ring for awhile. Hart drops his megaphone as he’s getting chased and Funk uses it to brain JYD. The ref misses it and counts the pinfall.
After the match Funk gets his branding iron and attempts to brand the Junkyard Dog because Vince McMahon loves him some casual racism. The JYD is able to fight off Funk’s attempt and get the branding iron. Funk bails and the JYD grabs Jimmy Hart.
Funk and Dog have a tug of war with Hart that results in him getting pantsed, so we are treated to the sight of Jimmy Hart in his underwear getting poked in the ass with a branding iron by the Junkyard Dog. The crowd absolutely loves this.
Winner: Terry Funk
In terms of actual wrestling this one was not that great, but the crowd absolutely loved it. Jimmy Hart in his underpants getting branded was probably one of the bigger pops of the night. It was short and told a decent story in-ring so it won’t get any complaints from me. [*½]
Meanwhile at the Halloween Party…
We’re having a Halloween contest between the faces and the heels. The first round of this competition is a pie eating contest. The wrestlers gathered for this event are all dressed in Halloween costumes which is pretty funny.
For the heels we’ve got the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff as Batman and Robin, King Kong Bundy as Abe Lincoln, Macho Man and Miss Elizabeth as Tarzan and Jane, and Bobby Heenan as Davy Crockett. The faces are Tito Santana as Zorro, the Hillbillies as the Three Musketeers, Hulk Hogan as Hercules, and Captain Lou as Julius Caesar. Mean Gene is dressed up like a pumpkin and seems to be officiating these proceedings.
Captain Lou will be talking on King Kong Bundy in the pie eating contest. They’ve got a minute I think to eat as many pies as they can. Captain Lou ends up eating them all. It’s more like Cookie Monster “eating” cookies than actual eating though, but he’s still declared the winner. King Kong Bundy throws the remaining pie in Captain Lou’s face and the heels storm off.
Captain Lou is asked for his thoughts and he says, “Got any more pie?” which I have to admit caused me to chuckle.
Previously on Saturday Night’s Main Event…
We get a recap of the Hillbilly wedding and Piper telling everyone that it sucked. Vince also calls out Ventura for shitting on the wedding and replayed the part where he said Elmer and Joyce looked like carp in the Mississippi fighting over a piece of corn when they kissed.
Meanwhile in the Ring…
The Hillbillies are in the ring await Roddy Piper to come out an apologize to them for ruining Uncle Elmer’s wedding. Piper and Bob Orton come out and Piper says he doesn’t know why he should apologize since he didn’t say anything. He mocks them some more and when the Hillbillies get out of their seats to kick his ass, he says it was all Ventura.
Hillbilly Jim calls Ventura to come down to the ring then and say those things to his face. Up at the announce table Ventura takes off his headphones and then heads down to the ring and says that he stands by what he said.
As this is happening Bob Orton creeps behind Cousin Junior and gets on his hands and knees. Piper shoves Junior so he gets tripped up and falls on his ass. The Hillbillies get pissed off and Piper and Orton bail so they corner Ventura and steal his hat. Ventura bails to the outside and the Hillbillies proceed to stomp a mud hole in Ventura’s hat.
“Junior! Stomp this hat!” instructs Uncle Elmer as the the segment comes to a close.
This was a boss segment and I’m actually looking forward to the inevitable six man tag team match that will come from this, but I can’t imagine anyone getting behind the Hillbillies in this feud, even back in the 80s it seems like everyone wants Piper & Co. to kick the shit out of the Hillbillies.
Meanwhile at the Halloween Party…
It’s time for another Halloween competition, this time pitting Bobby “The Brain” Heenan against Cousin Junior in the pumpkin dunk. We kill some time waiting for Junior to arrive, since he had to stomp a hat down in the ring I guess.
Junior arrives and he and Heenan pull mini pumpkins out of a vat of chocolate while other wrestlers yell unintelligible encouragement at them. Bobby Heenan wins tying up the faces and heels at one win apiece. “We’ll have the rubber match later tonight!” says Mean Gene.
This segment is great because Miss Elizabeth is nearly at her hottest here. Like just a hair behind SummerSlam Red Panties Miss Elizabeth.
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Gene is with Studd, Bundy and Heenan. He congratulates Heenan for his victory in the pumpkin dunk and Heenan’s like, “Was there ever any doubt I would win?” The heels then talk about how good they are and how they’re going to prove that they’re the best tag team before heading down to the ring.
Once the heels are in the ring we go back to Mean Gene who now has the team of Andre, Hogan and Captain Lou standing by. Gene asks Lou Albano about the pie eating contest, but gets cut off by Hogan who’s like, “ENOUGH OF THIS NONSENSE MEAN GENE! THIS OUT HERE IS THIS REAL DEAL!” He gets cut off by Andre who’s like, “That’s enough Hogan, let’s go!”
Match 2: King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd (w/ Bobby Heenan) vs. Andre the Giant & Hulk Hogan (w/ Capt. Lou Albano)
Andre and Hogan come out to “Eye of the Tiger.” Hogan is eating his headband as he comes down to the ring. He’s wearing white tonight, so I guess he’s going to bleed. In the ring Hogan rips off his shirt to a huge pop.
Hogan and Bundy start things off and right out of the gate Hogan hits a high knee and goes for the cover getting a one count. He goes for a slam, but get Bundy over. Ventura opines that it looks like Hogan injured his back during the attempted slam.
Bundy clubbers Hogan for about five seconds and then misses a clothesline and then Hogan makes a comeback. He elbows Bundy and hits a corner clothesline and then tags in Andre who Vince calls “The Big Boss Man.”
Andre proceeds to choke Bundy with the straps from his singlet again like he did during the last Saturday Night’s Main Event. Jesse Ventura brings it up, but Vince is like, “It’s not really clear what he’s doing there Jess.” Whatever Vince.
Andre tags Hogan back in and Hogan keeps up a fast pace. Yes, for real. Hogan tears ass in this match like he’s working a TNA X-Division match in 2003. Hogan hits a double axe handle but then gets stranded in the heels’ corner.
Studd overpowers Hogan, but Hogan makes his own save and hits what I guess was supposed to be an ATOMIC DROP and then tags Andre back in. Andre starts clubbering on Studd in the corner, but the ref catches an accidental backhand from The Giant and goes down. All four men enter the ring and are beating on one another. Another ref hits the ring and the faces clean house. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLINGS!
We come back from break to see Andre ruining Big John Studd’s shit with a bearhug. He chops Studd down and then tags in Hogan who hits a clothesline. Hulk then spits on John Studd, because that’s what WWF faces do I guess.
Andre ends up getting tied up in the ropes and Bundy hits a splash on Hogan to take him out. The heels then double team Andre and beat on him until the ref calls for the bell. Hogan comes to and makes the save and he and Andre are declared the winners via disqualification.
Post match Gene Okerlund comes to ring to talk to Hogan and Andre. Hogan’s like, “See, I knew that no good Bundy and Studd couldn’t beat Andre without cheating…” Andre bellows some shit but I have no idea what he says except, “I’M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU!”
Winners: Hulk Hogan & Andre the Giant
If you like 80s hoss fights this is about as good as it gets. Big ass dudes just clubbering on one another for like five minutes. The is probably the most animated I’ve seen Hogan in America. Bundy was pretty decent, and Studd I think is a seriously underrated 80s big man wrestler. Andre wasn’t in it that much which is fine since he can’t do much beyond chop and choke King Kong Bundy with his singlet. [**]
Meanwhile With Vince McMahon…
Vince McMahon appears and tells us that we’re going to get to see the world premiere of the first WWF music video: “The Land of a Thousand Dances,” which can be exclusively seen on MTV. Um…Vince, this is NBC, which means it’s not exclusively on MTV.
Anyway they play the video. It’s pretty goddamn terrible, but does feature Bret Hart dancing badly, a coked up Roddy Piper, and Meatloaf (of “I would do anything for love but I won’t do that,” fame) playing the drums.
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
Gene is with Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth. Mean Gene wants to know why Savage has a woman for a manager and Savage says that anyone who would ask that question is either blind or stupid. Savage and Miss Elizabeth then take off for Savage’s match against Tito Santana. Gene stares hard at Miss Elizabeth’s ass. It’s like 10 second of Gene just gawking at her ass a she is walking away. Vince and Jesse are literally screaming, “GENE!” at him to get his attention, but the dude is transfixed by that booty. I cannot really blame him.
Match 3: Randy Savage (w/ Miss Elizabeth) vs. Tito Santana
We get Savage’s ring entrance and a shot of Miss Elizabeth’s cleavage and we go to commercial break. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
We return from commercial break and Santana’s already in the ring. Way to make your champ look like a chump WWF.
Savage stalls in the early going and the fans in attendance are livid. They lock up and Savage nails Santana with a right and Santana goes down like he’d just been shot with a bazooka.
Savage hits a jumping knee drop and then takes Santana’s face to the turnbuckle. Savage goes for a hiptoss but Santana counters and hiptosses Savage himself. He goes for an elbow drop but misses.
Savage goes up and hits a double ax handle for a two count and then gets Santana in a chinlock. Ventura keeps calling Tito, Chico. I’m pretty sure it’s racist. Tito escapes the chinlock, but is rewarded for his trouble with an elbow to his head courtesy of Savage. Savage slams Tito and goes up for another double ax handle, but Tito nails him in the gut as Savage comes off the ropes and then proceeds to kick Savage’s head in.
Santana goes after Savage, but Savage rolls out of the ring, so Santana bails to the floor and gives chase. Savage slides back in first and nails Santana in the face as he gets up on the apron sending Santana back out to the floor.
Savage rolls back out and decides to do a Memphis finish and sets up for the piledriver on the concrete, but before he delivers it the bell rings. This one’s a double count out.
Winner: Double Count Out
This was fantastic if a little short. As a teaser this thing worked great. “Look how awesome these two guys are…don’t you want to see them go fifteen minutes? Come to our house show.”
Tito Santana was one of those guys who was just kind of there when I was a kid, but watching him now, he’s really kind of ahead of his time with what he was doing, Macho Man was some next level shit, but Santana’s no slouch. [**⅔]
Mr. Fuji grunts and bellows stuff in Japanese while grinding his knuckles into his temples.
Meanwhile Somewhere Else Backstage…
Ricky Steamboat does karate and breaks a bunch of boards. The Kung Fu Challenge is still to come!
Meanwhile at Roddy Piper’s House…
Piper is obviously out of his gourd on coke here as he wraps up bowling balls and bricks to give out as candy. Vince McMahon shows up in a tuxedo to talk to him about what he’s doing and to wonder how Piper likes his rented American home.
“How are you liking your indoor plumbing? I heard Piper Manor back in your native Scotland doesn’t have any,” says Vince. Piper’s lack of plumbing is not a plot point about Roddy Piper that I recall, but this is the second time that it’s come up on an episode of Saturday Night’s Main Event.
Piper gets pissed off at Vince for calling him a native and does some racist ooga-booga shit where he pretends to throw a spear at a giraffe or something. I really have no idea since Piper is talking faster than the Micro Machines guy.
Vince McMahon is flabbergasted that Piper would give children bricks and bowling balls on Halloween but Piper’s like, “In Scotland it’s TRICK or treat. TRICK or treat…” he yells “TRICK! Or treat,” a bajillion times when the doorbell rings.
It’s a bunch of 1980s moppets here for Halloween. I guess they’d been there last year and gotten bricks or bowling balls or something because they’re saying, “I hope this year is better.”
Piper lets the kids in. One is dressed like Hulk Hogan. Piper says the kid’s arms are about as big as Hogan’s and then proceeds to give the kids the bricks and bowling balls which causes their Halloween bags to rips and the candy to fall over the floor. Piper starts scooping it all up and pocketing it yelling, “Ooooooh…something new!”
He then tells the kids not to cry because he has candy for them. He dumps something that looks like circus peanuts into new Halloween bags and gives it to the kids and sends them on their way.
Outside on his front steps the moppets laugh and are like, “Just wait until he finds out that we gave him chocolate covered peppers!”
We hear Piper scream and then go back inside to see him chugging water out of a vase because he’d eaten the chocolate covered peppers.
Meanwhile With Vince McMahon…
Vince is standing by with Hulk Hogan who thinks it’s hilarious that Coked Up Piper got his comeuppance. He’s glad that all the Hulkamaniacs out there were able to outsmart that no good Piper.
Mean Gene watches Mr.Fuji break bricks and boards while saying stuff like, “This is Ricky Steamboat’s leg! This is Ricky Steamboat’s ribs!” The big Kung Fu Challenge match is coming up after the break!
Meanwhile With Mean Gene…
We come back from the break and Mean Gene’s standing by with Fuji and Don Muraco. Fuji’s ready for the Kung Fu Challenge. He heads down to the ring and then Mean Gene brings in Ricky Steamboat.
The play a clips of Steamboat getting hanged by Fuji and Muraco from the summer. Ricky Steamboat says that Fuji only felt the body of Ricky Steamboat but now he’s going to feel the Dragon. He shouts at Fuji down in the ring and then says he has nothing else to say and heads down to the ring.
Match 4: Mr. Fuji (w/ Don Muraco) vs. Ricky Steamboat
This is a “Kung Fu Challenge” match. What precisely is a “Kung Fu Challenge” match you ask? I’m not entirely sure. They say that there are different rules, but never actually tell us what they are. I guess it’s just a wrestling match where one or more of the combatants are Asian.
The get in Bruce Lee stances and start exchanging chops and kicks. Steamboat blocks a bunch of terrible kicks from Fuji and hits and enziguri. Fuji then takes Steamboat on a trip to DICK KICK CITY, but for some reason the normally super into supporting the faces, Vince McMahon goes out of his way to say that it was not a low blow but a kick to Steamboat’s upper leg area.
Fuji gets in control post-dick kick and starts chopping Steamboat down. Fuji hits a double throat thrust and after connecting with an ugly back kick goes for a suplex, but he can’t get Steamboat up. Steamboat hits a suplex of his own and then hits a missile dropkick to pick up the win.
As soon as the bell rings Muraco hits the ring and sprays Red Mist in Steamboat’s face. He and Fuji then beat on Steamboat for awhile and then just casually head to the back when they decide they’ve beaten him enough.
Winner: Ricky Steamboat
What sort of alternate reality am I in right now? The Ricky Steamboat match was literally the worst match on the card. We had a JYD match and a match with Hogan, Bundy and Andre all together and the Ricky Steamboat match was somehow worse than either of those.
It wasn’t Steamboat’s fault though. He did the best he could with what he was given, which honestly wasn’t much. He had a stupid gimmick, a short amount of ring time, and was going up against a guy who couldn’t really work anymore. [½*]
Meanwhile at the Halloween Party…
It’s time for the third and final event in the Halloween Games: the Pumpkin Pass Contest. Dudes line up and have to hold a pumpkin under their chin and pass it down the line without using their hands.
The faces go first. They conceal their passes with their capes and get the pumpkin passed five times before Hogan fucks up and drops it. Ventura cries foul and says that Captain Lou’s team cheated and used their hands behind the capes, but there’s no proof.
The heels go next. They have a massive advantage according to Ventura because Roddy Piper’s there. The heels also use their capes to conceal things it gets down to Liz and we get an upskirt shot of her ass as she attempts to pass it to Piper. They end up dropping it after only four passes. Macho Man freaks the fuck out and looks like he’s going to beat the fuck out of Miss Elizabeth and we go to commercial.
We return and Ventura makes a challenge for the next Saturday Night’s Main Event: him and Piper against the Hillbillies. FUCK YES! Vince and Jesse wrap things up and “Monster Mash” plays as the credits roll.
This was honestly a decent show. Some of the backstage stuff was hokey, but at least Miss Elizabeth was there to make it palatable. The in-ring stuff was for the most part pretty decent. Sure, the matches were short, but for free TV they were all pretty decent. In a bizarre turn of events the Ricky Steamboat match was the worst thing on the card and even that was too short to be offensive.
I like that there seem to be Saturday Night’s Main Event exclusive feuds. Like a month has passed since the last one and there was no forward momentum. I don’t know if that’s just how feuds worked in wrestling at the time, but it’s pretty helpful when watching these years after the fact.
All in all this was a lot of fun and probably the first Saturday Night’s Main Event that I’d say is worth looking at.