When I was a kid Saturday Night’s Main Event was kind of a big deal since most of the televised wrestling matches were King Kong Bundy or Ric Rude or whoever squashing the fuck out of S.D. Jones or some other job guy. If you wanted to see guys who could win taking on other guys who could win you had to order PPVs…or tune in to NBC a couple times a year. It was a decent concept, but it stopped being a thing in ’92.
In 2006 the WWE and NBC brought it back. It ran for a couple years before being replaced by Tribute for the Troops. This is, to date, the final Saturday Night’s Main Event.
The show begins with P.O.D. bellowing about “BOOM! Here comes the BOOM!” or some such nonsense before Good Ol’ JR welcomes us to some sort of arena in Washington D.C. He’s joined on commentary by Jerry Lawler and CM Punk.
Match 1: JBL, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase Jr. and Kane vs. JGT, Shad Gaspard, John Cena and Batista
They alternated entrances here so I was kind of confused as to who was on what team as guys came out to the ring. Rhodes and DiBiase are World Tag Team Champions here. John Cena and Batista are scheduled to face each other at SummerSlam in a couple weeks but are on the same team tonight.
Kane and Batista start things off. Kane with the early advantage, hitting Big Dave with a Big Boot. Batista makes a comeback, hitting a corner clothesline and then booting the Big Red Machine down for a two count.
Dave ends up in the wrong part of town as Cody Rhodes tags in and starts slugging away at Batista, but Batista’s like, “I’m The Animal, Batista!” and muscles Cody into the face corner to get beat on by JTG.
Cryme Tyme double teams Cody. Shad ally-oops JTG into Cody and then hits a monstrous press slam that earns him a two count. Shad hits Snake Eyes, but gets cheapshotted by JBL which puts a stop to any momentum he had. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
We’re back and JBL is still working over Shad, who is apparently playing the part of Ricky Morton tonight. JBL toss him to the floor where Kane works Shad over before rolling him back into the ring. JBL makes a pin attempt and gets a two count.
DiBiase comes in and hits a suplex and a clothesline. The heels keep Shad in their corner. Cody comes in and pounds on the big man and hits a dropkick to prevent him from making a tag. JBL is tagged back in and he drops ‘bows on ’em for two.
Kane gets tagged in and hits a seated dropkick for a near fall and then gets Shad in a body scissors. DiBiase comes back in. He tries for a suplex but Shad reverses it. DiBiase tags JBL back in, but Shad gets to his corner. HOT TAG!
Cena comes in and runs wild. He suplexes JBL and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. He then goes for the FU but is cut off by Kane with a Big Boot, so Big Dave Batista comes in and spears Kane and then spinebusts the fuck out of DiBiase.
All hell is breaking loose. JTG wants in. Cena looks perplexed but tags JGT in and Cena hits the Rocket Launcher, throwing JGT into the corpse of Ted DiBiase Jr. JGT makes the pin, but it’s not the legal man. JBL slides back in and ruins JGT’s shit with the Clothesline from Hell to pick up the win.
After the match he kind of stares down CM Punk at the announce table before we go to commercials.
Winners: JBL, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase Jr., and Kane
This was an alright opening match, though it’s weird to see a bunch of main event dudes and Cryme Tyme in the opening match. I’m also kind of surprised they used Shad of all people as the face in peril. JTG was right there. [**½]
Meanwhile with Jeff Foxworthy…
Jeff Foxworthy is excited to see Jenny McCarthy step in the ring to fight autism on WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event.
Meanwhile with Carmen Electra…
Carmen Electra also hates autism and cannot wait to see Jenny McCarthy kick autism’s ass during WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event.
We get a video package of The Great Khali jostling colossally. God is he terrible. Even in the highlight video he looks like shit. Lots of chops and roaring. Not much moving.
Match 2: The Great Khali (w/ Ranjin Singh) vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
Yang got a jobber entrance. He attacks at the bell but his blows have zero effect on the big man. Khali slams him and then grabs him by the head and slams him again. Loud “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE!” chant from the audience. Khali hits the chokeslam and then stands on Yang’s chest for the win.
Winner: The Great Khali
Quick squash match to make The Great Khali seem like a monster before his SummerSlam match with Triple H. [NR]
Meanwhile with Ben Stiller…
Ben Stiller also dislikes autism. Jenny McCarthy will fight autism in a WWE wrestling ring during WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event and Ben Stiller cannot wait!
Meanwhile on the Stage…
Jenny McCarthy comes out and talks about autism and how the WWE partnered with some autism research organization to spread awareness and raise money to make autism a thing of the past. The crowd is surprisingly into this. She stays clear of being like, “Polio vaccines are the cause! Stop vaccinating your children!” and keeps the entire thing pretty short and to the point.
It wasn’t terrible but I’m angry at Jeff Foxworthy et. al. for lying to me. They kept saying that Jenny McCarthy was going to get in the ring. She never did. She cut her entire promo on the stage and then left. No ring at all.
Highlights for Children!
Edge apologizes to his wife, Vickie Guerrero, for cheating on her with Alicia Fox. She accepts his apology but tells him she did something he might not like. She’s reinstated the Undertaker and booked a match at SummerSlam: Undertaker vs. Edge…HELL IN A CELL!
Match 3: Edge vs. Jeff Hardy
Edge and Hardy have a nice back and forth of basic holds and stuff clearly demonstrating that these two men have wrestled each other 9,321,938 times in their careers. They keep baseball sliding out of the ring and rolling into the ring for while, but then Jeff finally hits a dropkick and then hits a plancha to the outside.
Edge is resting on the guardrail so Jeff then does some goofy flip thing off the steel steps but Edge gets out of the way leaving Jeff to crash into the guardrail hard. He’s clutching his knee as we head to commercials. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
We come back to see Edge working over Jeff’s knee. JR explains that it was all Edge during the break which makes sense. Edge works some submissions and then slams Hardy’s knee into the ring post.
Hardy mounts a bit of a comeback and after hitting a clothesline puts Edge in the Tree of Woe. He goes for a baseball slide but misses when Edge sits up. Jeff recovers and mule kicks Edge for two instead. He goes for a Twist of Fate but Edge reverses it into an Impaler and gets a very close two count.
Edge goes for a Spear but Hardy dodges and hits the Whisper in the Wind for a near fall. Hardy goes up for a Swanton Bomb, but Edge moves before Jeff can jump. Edge goes for another spear but Jeff leaps over him. Edge crashes to the outside and Jeff staggers and collapses into the ropes, selling his bum knee.
MVP suddenly appears and boots Hardy in the head while the ref is counting out Edge. MVP disappears into the audience as Edge rolls back in and makes the pin to pick up the win.
I’ve seen far better matches between these two guys, but I’ll give them credit for doing something different this time by having Edge focus on an injured leg. It made sense to give Edge the win heading into SummerSlam and having MVP do a run-in keeps Jeff Hardy from looking like a chump. All in all this was a decent match between two guys I’ve seen wrestle each other a bajillion times. [***]
I kind of see why the ditched Saturday Night’s Main Event after this installment. There really wasn’t that much here that we couldn’t have seen on a random episode of Raw or Smackdown from this time. The first and last match were both alright, but neither were particular spectacular.