Why am I watching a random episode of Main Event? Because I heard Aleister Black shows up this week and I love me some heroic Satanic MMA inspired wrestle dudes. So let’s see what Velocity 2K17 has to offer beyond Aleister Black kicking dudes’ heads off!
Match 1: Aleister Black vs. Curt Hawkins
Curt Hawkins is out first. He does his shtick about being a star maker and challenges anyone in the back to come out and face him. OH FUCK THAT’S ALEISTER BLACK’S MUSIC! Tom Phillips says that Aleister Black had made a name for himself here in the UK and that he’s been wrecking house in NXT.
His theme song plays forever as he sits in the corner. I think for a second that he’s bringing back the New Jack gimmick of just having his theme song play the entire time he’s murdering dudes, but it eventually fades out and Curt Hawkins yells at him to stand up because he apparently has a death wish.
Aleister Black stands up and he and Hawkins run the ropes. Black outquicks him and Hawkins bails to the floor. Black runs in and looks like he’s going to do some sort of lucha dive, but instead does a black flip off the ropes and lands sitting in the lotus position center ring while Hawkins cowers on the outside.
Hawkins heads back in and gets a cheap shot and then hits Black with a clothesline. Hawkins grounds him, but Black is back to his feet mad quick and lays in the some heavy strikes, dropping Hawkins with a knee.
Black lifts up Hawkins with his foot and then kicks the fuck out of his face with the Black Mass to pick up the win.
Winner: Aleister Black
WWE, I will watch whatever you put of TV so long as it’s got a match in which a heroic satanist kicks dudes’ heads off. Put Aleister Black on Total Divas and I’ll watch that. Have him show up booting dudes in the dome on Swerved and I’ll watch that. Do a remix of Hulk Hogan’s Rock n’ Wrestling where he kicks cartoon Roddy Piper’s head off and I’ll watch that. Just gimme more Alesister Black!
Previously on Raw…
BRAUN!!!! Kalisto and Braun had a dumpster match. Kalisto won fair and square because the WWE has no fucking clue what they’re doing. Kalisto then got his shit ruined by Braun because they wanted to insure that no one got over because of that match.
BRAUN!!!! vs. Kalisto from the May 8, 2017 Episode of Raw…
BRAUN!!!! has his arm in a sling. He’d apparently been injured in a match against Roman Reigns at the PPV, but because he’d said he could beat Kalisto with one hand, he’s been put in a match against the Good Lucha Thing by temporary GM, Dean Ambrose.
BRAUN!!!! gets on the mic and says he’s hurt so he’s not going to fight and Dean Ambrose can SHOVE IT! BRAUN!!!! talks some shit about Roman Reigns, calling him a coward and saying he doesn’t have the sack to face BRAUN!!!! man to man like a man.
The ref’s like, “Whatever,” and rings the bell, I supposed to count BRAUN!!!! out once he leaves the ring. BRAUN!!!! takes a few steps and then turns around and ruins Kalisto’s shit with a massive boot. Suddenly Reign’s music hits and he appears at the top of the ramp.
“BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” scream the audience.
Reigns is all taped up. He slowly makes his way down to the ring. He attacks BRAUN!!!! hitting some Superman Punches. The ref just rolls out of the ring and lets this happen. The bell never rings and no one attempts to stop Reigns.
They go out to the floor. Reigns charges into a big boot, but he’s goddamn Roman Reigns so he overcomes and starts slamming BRAUN’s!!!! busted arm into the ring post. Reigns gets a chair and starts attacking BRAUN’s!!!! arm with a chair. BRAUN!!!! bails out through the crowd.
Roman Reigns stands tall in the ring as his music plays.
Winner: BRAUN!!!! I guess?
I understand that BRAUN!!!! is legit injured and needs time off for surgery so this was as good a way as any to write him off TV for a few weeks, but just so WWE knows, Roman Reigns was 100% a heel here. Absolutely nothing he did was heroic. He came out and interfered in a match, laying into BRAUN!!!! without provocation. When his finishing moves weren’t enough Reigns resorted to international objects. Total heel shit.
Seth Rollins vs. Samoa Joe from the May 8, 2017 Episode of Raw…
We join this match already in progress. Joe’s in control, working over Rollins’ knee. Joe gets Rollins in a chokehold, but Rollins counters with a jawbreaker. He sends Joe to the outside and hits a couple of shoddy looking suicide dives.
They head back in and Rollins goes for a pin. Joe kicks out at two and gets back in control, laying in some chops and then hitting a snap slam for a near fall. Joe goes for a powerbomb, but Rollins escapes and hits the Falcon Arrow for another near fall.
Joe goes for another Coquina Clutch, but again Rollins escapes. This time he hits an enziguri. Rollins ends up in the corner with Joe on the attack. Rollins grabs onto the turnbuckle as Joe attempts to drag him off to do grievous bodily harm to him, pulling off the top turnbuckle pad in the process.
Rollins hits a superkick and goes for another pin attempt getting two once again. He goes for a knee strike but Joe send him into the exposed turnbuckle chest first. The ref realizes the pad is off and goes to put it back on but Joe tosses it out into the audience.
“JOE IF YOU THROW HIM INTO THE TURNBUCKLE I WILL DISQUALIFY YOU!” shouts the referee.
Joe’s like, “Whateves…” and slams Rollins into the turnbuckle earning himself a DQ. After the match he gets Rollins in the Coquina Clutch as the ref screams himself hoarse. Joe finally breaks the hold and growls, “THIS ISN’T OVER!” and then stands tall.
Winner: Seth Rollins
Pretty decent match over all, but they kind of did a lot of stuff for a match that was just going to end in a DQ. I guess when you’ve got three hours of television time to fill you’re allowed that luxury of doing 15 minute matches that end in a DQ.
Match 2: Gran Metalik vs. Noam Dar
We’re back in present day for a new, never before seen bout of grappling between two of the hottest wrestlers in the cruiserweight division.
Dar’s still doing his chickenshit heel thing and backs off into the ropes to get a rope break as soon as the match gets underway. Dar works the arm and tries to ground Metalik, but Metalik escapes and picks up the pace. There’s some back and forth in the early going with Dar trying to ground Metalik and Metalik trying to outquick Dar.
Metalik hits a head scissors and follows up with a lucha arm drag off the ropes. Dar goes to the outside and Metalik hits a big moonsault to the floor and we go to commercial. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
We come back and they’re back in the ring with Dar seemingly in control. Dar trips up Metalik while he’s on the apron, sending him crashing to the floor. Metalik is favoring his knee.
Dar rolls him in and puts the boots to him. He goes for a suplex, but Metalik is able to fight it off and Dar ends up being the one on the receiving end of a suplex. Metalik gets on a bit of a tear, hitting a drop toehold, some rights, and then a springboard back elbow. He hits a bulldog and goes for a pin, but Dar kicks out at two.
Metalik goes for a back handspring elbow, but Dar blasts him. Dar is holding his foot. Metalik gets Dar in a roll up, but Dar is able to kick out. He then walks the ropes and hits a dropkick.
Dar has decided he’s had enough and bails to the floor. Metalik hits a beautiful suicide dive that lays out Noam Dar. They head back into the ring Metalik goes up top for a splash. Dar gets the knees up and rolls up Metalik for two. Dar then does a corner finisher, blasting Metalik with a running kick to pick up the win.
Winner: Noam Dar
Dar and Metalik had an okay match but it was a Cruiserweight Division television match so the crowd was mostly dead outside of a couple high spots which is a shame.
Probably the best thing about this was Corey Graves talking about Dar picking up the “winner’s purse.” I loved Dusty Rhodes’ WCW Saturday Night concept of “the pay windah,” so I’m glad that Graves is carrying on the tradition. One more reason he’s probably the best announcer the WWE has right now.
Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt from the May 8, 2017 Episode of Raw…
This match was made by Ambrose’s temporary co-GM, The Miz. We join the match already in progress. Bray’s on the second rope. He goes for a senton but misses. Both men are down. Ambrose is back to his feet first. He runs wild with clotheslines and hits a corner forearm and then heads up to the top rope.
Bray rolls out of the ring so Ambrose, pivots and hits a elbow drop to the outside. The Miz is on commentary and says that the problem with Dean Ambrose is he has no regard for his own body. Both men are down.
They head back into the ring and The Miz is like, “I’m going to go get a closer look at this match.” He and Maryse head down to the ring. Ambrose gets distracted and Bray goes for Sister Abigail, but Dead is able to escape it with a roll up. Bray kicks out and hits the urangage for two.
He then takes Ambrose up to the top rope. The crowd chants “Randy Savage! CM Punk!” like a bunch of fucking assholes for some goddamn reason. Bray Wyatt shushes them. He looks like he’s going for a superplex but Ambrose fights him off and spams headbutts that sends Bray to the mat.
Ambrose leaps of the top rope into a right, but he stumbles into the ropes. WACKY LINE!!!! The Miz holds aloft the Intercontinental Belt. Ambrose gets distracted and Bray sneaks up behind him but Ambrose kicks him in the gut.
Ambrose gets whipped off the ropes and hits a suicide dive on The Miz on the outside. Bray heads out to the floor. He and Ambrose brawl on the outside for awhile and then Bray heads back into the ring. The Miz waffles Ambrose for the belt. The ref doesn’t see it. Bray rolls Ambrose back in and pins Ambrose for two. He then hits Sister Abigail to finish things off.
The Miz gets on the mic and declares Bray Wyatt the winner and then attacks Ambrose in the ring. He closes out the show by cutting a promo saying that after next week he’ll be the Intercontinental Champion and everyone will scream “AWESOME!”
Winner: Bray Wyatt
Good job WWE in jobbing out both guys who are facing each other in a championship match next week! That’s some goddamn outstanding booking right there. Ambrose and The Miz both looked like geeks this week so next week I guess we get to see who the bigger loser is. I hate this bullshit.
Aleister Black kicking dudes’ heads off was great. I wonder how long he’ll be in NXT if he’s already doing random matches on Main Event. I mean, the dude already has it so why not send him up to Smackdown? Other than that, the cruiserweight match was decent enough, the recap stuff was what it was. I don’t really need to see clipped versions of matches I already watched, but I guess if someone missed Raw this week, this would have served as a pretty decent CliffsNotes edition.