ECW (April 5, 1994)

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Oh fuck it’s the Bruise Brothers! They’re attacking their opponents before they even have a chance to get in the ring! That is not particularly sporting of them!

Match 1: The Bruise Brothers vs. Stormin’ Mike Norman & ????

This is barely a match. The Bruise Brothers attack before the bell, brawl their way into the ring, hit some power moves, hit a double big boot and make the cover to pick up the win. After the match they continue to pummel their opponents before we get the opening credits.

Winners: The Bruise Brothers

I feel bad for whoever the non-Stormin’ Mike Norman Bruise Brother victim was since he has more or less been forgotten to time. Joey never mentions his name (to be fair he doesn’t mention Stormin’ Mike Norman either but Mike had the wherewithal to wear tights with his name on the ass) and all the records of this match on the internet either incorrectly claim that the Bruise Brothers fought someone like Mikey Whipwreck or Hack Meyers or just have the second dude listed as ????. So ???? if you’re out there, let me know who you are so we can get you the respect you deserve for taking a hellacious beating from a pair of oversized Nazi fucks.

We come out of the opening credits and are back in the arena getting ready for the next match. We got six man tag team action coming up with the team of Kevin Sullivan, The Tazmaniac, and Hugh Morris taking on The Pitbull, The Rockin’ Rebel and Tony Stetson.

Both teams are already in the ring, but we get ring announcements introducing each combatant and then go to commercial.

Get Hype!

We come back from commercial with a hype package for the upcoming championship match between Hawk and Shane Douglas on April 16th. There’s really bad generic riff rock and footage from Ultimate Jeopardy.

Match 2: Kevin Sullivan, The Tazmaniac & Crash (w/ Woman) vs. The Pitbull, The Rockin’ Rebel & Tony Stetson (w/ Jason)

With upcoming match hype taken care of we get down to action. Taz and Rockin’ Rebel start things off by doing a whole lot of nothing. Crash and Pitbull get brought in pretty quickly. Crash press slams The Pitbull causing him to bail.

Crash is a goddamn monster here. I never really thought he was that big of a dude when I saw him in WCW or WWE but here, compared to the Pitbull he is just massive, but I digress. Pitbull gets a slight advantage when he comes back into the ring and makes the tag to Stetson. Crash tags in Sullivan and things fall apart.

Everyone brawls on the outside. Sullivan gets a hammer and blasts Stetson with it, though not in the balls as is his usual modus operandi. Chairs are getting bandied about. Violence is occurring and all the while, Jason is putting the moves on Woman while this entire thing is happening.

Things simmer down and Pitbull and Taz are in the ring. I don’t think either are the legal men, but whatever. Pitbull gets some offense in, but Taz hits a Northern Lights suplex and then tags in Crash. Pitbull tags in Stetson who comes in like a house on fire and wrecks Crash’s shit. I don’t get this. Tony Stetson is the smallest dude in the match. Why is he ruining Crash’s shit? Aren’t they building Crash up as some unstoppable monster? Whatever.

It turns into another brawl during which Crash is like, “Fuck this tiny mustache guy,” and lays out Tony Stetson and then hits a moonsault to pick up the win.

Winners: Kevin Sullivan, The Tazmaniac & Crash

The right dudes won. Tony Stetson got too much offense in on Crash. Did Sullivan and Taz forget about the Public Enemy or something? The PE cost them the tag team straps and cost Taz the TV Title. They allegedly brought in Crash to deal with them, but now they’re fighting Jason’s dudes and Crash is randomly scheduled to fight 911 on April 16th. I don’t really get it. Maybe that shit all got resolved at some house show.

The same goes for Tony Stetson. What happened with his feud with Johnny Hotbody? It was a shit feud sure, but it just stopped being a thing. Shrug.

Highlights For Children!

We get the ending to the TV Title match between JT Smith and the Tazmaniac from a couple weeks back.

Meanwhile In The ECW Command Center…

Joey Styles finally shows up on camera and is joined by his good friend, JT Smith. Joey talks about how JT Smith is like Rocky. I’ve seen most of the Rocky movies and I don’t remember Rocky ever getting thrown off a balcony in the middle of a match.

Joey says that JT’s been around since the Tri-State Wrestling Alliance days and worked his way up from the bottom to be where he is today. JT then mumbles some junk about how he’s my champion and he’s going to do his best to be a champion that not just Philly can be proud of but everyone watching on TV can be proud of too. Hey, that’s me! I’m watching on TV…

Highlights For Children…

With actual children! We get highlights of JT Smith’s ECW career starting with him highing five with some kids in wheelchairs…man old ECW is weird. We then get footage of Smith getting maimed and manhandled in a bunch of matches but somehow picking up the win and close out the segment with Smith’s first TV Title defense against the Rockin’ Rebel. Smith emerged victorious after Jason jumped off the top rope to break up a pinfall attempt but Smith moved so Jason blasted Rebel with a knee to the face. Stupendous!

Meanwhile Backstage In Paul Heyman’s  Basement…

Paul Heyman shows up and says that no one cares about JT Smith, what the people care about is 911. 911 will be showing up on April 16th to take on Hugh “Crash the Terminator” Morris. Also showing up on the 16th? Sabu! Who will Sabu be challenging? We’ll have to tune in next week to find out!

Meanwhile in the ECW Command Center…

Joey Styles shows back up to talk about what a scumfuck the Sandman has become and then shows us footage of the match between “Ironman” Tommy Cairo and the Sandman from Ultimate Jeopardy. Cario wrecks house in the match and picks up the win, but after the match Sandman nails Cairo with an implant DDT. Miss Peaches shows up and yells at Sandman. He screams some junk at her and has a chair that he’s about to use, but Cairo makes the save by German suplexing the fuck out of the Sandman. They clip then to the Sandman using a chair on Cairo.

Meanwhile Backstage…

Sandman is here in black and white. He cuts a promo about how the happy go lucky surfer Sandman is a thing of the past. He criticizes his friends for abandoning him when he needed them most, calling out Tommy Cairo and Sal Bellomo for trying to cop a feel on Miss Peaches instead of helping out their friend, the Sandman. Apparently they own Sandman money now because he is a pimp I guess.

Match 3: The Sandman vs. Sal Bellomo

Sal’s out with a garbage bag filled with toys that he hurls into the audience. Sandman shows up and the screen goes black and white. Sandman attacks before the bell, hitting a DDT. He then dumps out the garbage bag full of stuffed animals and rips up them up and throws them about before hitting another DDT and picking up the win.

Winner: The Sandman

The Sandman is pretty bad, but the toys Sal Bellomo throw out into the audience are the absolute worst. They are the saddest, most horrible looking things ever, like the sort of thing that would be in a pedophile sex lair on an episode of Law & Order: SVU.

Match 4: Chad Austin vs. Hack Meyers

This is a pretty wrestling heavy episode of ECW since we go from one match right to another. Hack Meyers attacks before the bell as Joey talks about how Chad Austin has been on a bit of a winning streak as of late, pulling off a string of upset victories. He tries to frame this match like if Austin wins it will be a huge upset which is weird, because Austin probably has a better win-loss record than Hack Meyers at this point they’re both basically “enhancement talent,” but Hack didn’t get the upset victory win streak thing.

Meyers dominates the bulk of the match but Austin catches him with a spin kick and then hits a leg drop from the top rope to pick up the win.

Winner: Chad Austin

Basically the same storyline as JT Smith and the same storyline they’d use, and finally get right, with Mikey Whipwreck. I’m not really all about it, but at the same time, the match was short so it was all over with before it had a chance to get too annoying.

Meanwhile Backstage…

The Public Enemy are backstage with Sherri. They shoot the shit with her for awhile. Johnny Grunge compliments her for smelling good and then talk about how everyone she’s managed has had gold around their waist. Johnny Grunge has the ECW Championship for some reason and Rocco Rock yells at him for showing Sherri that he had it.

They ask her to manage them since they also have gold, but she says she’s loyal to Shane Douglas. The PE is like, “Whateves,” and bail but Sherri chases them to get Shane Douglas’ belt back.

Oh Fuck, It’s Matty Indahouse…

Matty Indahouse is here to yell some shit about the upcoming show on the 16th. Public Enemy vs. the Bruise Brothers is a match that will happen. Stipulations to be announced next week! Some sort of No DQ / Fall Count Anywhere clusterfuck undoubtedly.

Meanwhile Out Back…

Jason is in the parking lot or something. He cuts a promo on Terry Funk since apparently Mister Hughes vs. Terry Funk is happening on April 16th. He says that Terry Funk shouldn’t get mad at Shane Douglas and Mister Hughes for putting a plastic bag on his head since he did the same thing to Ric Flair back in the day. He says that instead of fighting Jason and his roughneck, Terry Funk should be friends with them. He then cuts a promo on Hawk and tells him how Shane Douglas is going to kick his ass.

Get Hype!

We get the same exact hype package from earlier in the night promoting bad generic riff rock and the match between Shane Douglas and Hawk for some reason.

Match 5: Shane Douglas (w/ Sherri Martel) vs. Paul Diamond

For whatever reason the referee explains aloud that the match is for the championship and asks if both men understand what that entails. While this is happening Sherri Martel slides into the ring with a chair and waffles Diamond with it. She then sets the chair up in the corner and sits down while Douglas yells some junk at Diamond.

Pat Tanaka hits the ring and wrecks Douglas’ shit. Joey Styles calls him Patrick. Tanaka sets up for the sit out power bomb, but he too gets nailed by a chair wielding Sensational Sherri. Shane Douglas talks some shit at the laid out Bad Company and then gets on the mic and talks some shit about Hawk.

Suddenly the same lame generic riff rock from the hype videos about “Got to get into a fight!” plays and Hawk comes out. I guess that was the replacement song for “Iron Man,” which makes wonder who switched the music in these episodes. If it’s WWE they own the rights to “What a Rush!” or whatever the WWE version of the Road Warriors/Legion of Doom’s theme song was called. Why not just use that instead and save the generic riff rock for guys who never wrestled in WCW or WWE and just had copyright violating entrance music.

Anyway, Hawk hits the ring and gets brained by Douglas with a steel chair. Hawk no sells it which causes Douglas and Sherri to bail. Hawk gets on the mic and cuts a shitty promo where he basically tells Douglas he’s going to beat him up on the 16th bringing the show to a close.

Winner: ????

I have no idea who won this match. I don’t think anyone got pinned and I don’t think there was a DQ when Sherri laid Paul Diamond out with a chair. It just kind of ended. Shrug.

Final Thoughts

This was a pretty decent episode of ECW with a fair amount of actual wrestling. Sure most of it was short squash matches, but that’s pretty much what television wrestling was pre-Monday Night Wars. I thought the six man tag team match was pretty solid, and the Sandman is a douchelord match was pretty good from a storyline point of view as was the non-match between Douglas and Diamond.

My only complaint about this episode was that the Bruise Brothers showed up. I hate the Bruise Brothers and hope that in the next episode the stipulation in their match with the Public Enemy is announced to be a loser leaves town deal. That would make me so happy.

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