ECW (March 29, 1994)

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ULTIMATE JEOPARDY! Highlights of the event are shown during the cold open. It looks like it was basically War Games with competitors entering one at a time. Looks like the order of the entrants was Taz and Rocco Rock to start followed by Johnny Grunge, Kevin Sullivan, Mr. Hughes, Terry Funk, Shane Douglas, and Hawk.

The highlight reel was pretty good and I liked how they’d edit in one of the earlier Tod Gordon or Matty Indahouse hype videos to announce what each dude’s stipulation for losing was as that competitor came out.

We get the ending of the match that saw Mr. Hughes and Shane Douglas alone in the cage with Terry Funk. Douglas ties a plastic bag over Funk’s head and hitting him with a pile driver to pick up the win. Due to the pre-match stipulation this means that Shane Douglas is now the ECW Heavyweight Champion!

 

Meanwhile Backstage…

After the opening video package we head backstage where we are assailed by Matty Indahouse. He tells us how we’ve got all new champions. We got a new heavyweight champ in Shane Douglas at Ultimate Jeopardy. Philly’s own, J.T. Smith, became the new TV Champ last week on this very program, and the Public Enemy became tag team champs like a month ago, but that’s still pretty new!

Speaking of the Public Enemy we got a match with them coming up next. Matty tells us it’s from before they were tag team champs. They’re going to be taking on the Bruise Brothers in a falls count anywhere match. I guess this is from March 5th then.

Match 1: The Public Enemy vs. The Bruise Brothers

Joey Styles is on commentary with some guy named “Bob.” I have no idea who he is. The Bruise Brothers do not have SS concealing armbands on today. Fuck those Nazi fucks. This is just a brawl. Guys fight in the crowd and over by the merchandise tables before they split up. Poor Johnny Grunge and whatever Nazi fuck he was with get very little screen time since the cameras stay with Rocco Rock and the other Nazi fuck.

The brawl comes to a close when Rocco Rock jumps off the real ECW Command Center (which looks nothing like the one Styles is usually hanging out in) to take out some Nazi fuck but misses and levels Johnny Grunge instead. A Nazi fuck sweeps in to make the pin and win the match.

Afterwards the Public Enemy assail Joey Styles for some reason. Rocco Rock hits him a couple times with a chair.

Winners: The Bruise Brothers

I hate the Bruise Brothers so much and this was just bad arena brawling. Lots of clubbering and no really amazing “HOLY SHIT” spots. The best spot for me was probably when a security guy in the background got hit with a piece of plywood that was leaning up against a scaffold that somehow got knocked over in the fracas.

Later that Night…

The winner of that bout got to face Taz and Kevin Sullivan for the tag team straps, but when the Nazi fucks went out to try and win championship gold, the Public Enemy showed up and laid everyone out with pipes, thus preventing the racist shitfucks from getting a shot at the gold and turning it into Nazi gold.

Meanwhile In An Unfinished Basement…

Fuck it’s the Bruise Brothers. They talk shitty about how they faced the Public Enemy twice. The first time they kicked PE’s asses. The second time PE had to jump them from behind with pipes to take them out, but they didn’t succeed. They growl about how they’re going to beat the fuck out of the Public Enemy and take their straps.

Meanwhile Backstage…

The Public Enemy are here. They talk about how they aren’t afraid of the Bruise Brothers. “Bruise Brothers! When we were in prison we had a couple of girlfriends that looked just like you only they were twice as tough and we still took ’em twice a night!” Prison rape…it’s not for everyone and it’s not a secret anymore!

 

Match 2: Sabu (w/ Paul E Danerously & 911) vs. “Awesome” Mike Awesome

This is another old match since Sabu’s the TV Champion here. This one is clipped so I don’t know how much stuff we actually see here. They start off taking turns diving at each other’s legs. Awesome rams Sabu into the corner and then clotheslines him out of the ring. Awesome sets up for a suicide dive, but Sabu heads over the guardrail into the crowd. Awesome’s like, “Fuck it,” and springboards to the top rope and then dives onto Sabu. They both seem to be dead.

They cut to Sabu missing a moonsault. Awesome picks him up and looks like he’s going to suplex him or something, but instead he just hurls Sabu so he ends up draped over the top rope. Awesome helps Sabu out of that sticky situation by clotheslining him down to the floor. Awesome hits the ropes and dives over the top rope and takes Sabu out.

Down on the floor Awesome goes for a powerbomb but 911 comes up from behind and chokes Awesome out. He and Sabu then set up Awesome on a table. It then cuts to Sabu diving off the top rope and putting Awesome through the table. 911 rolls both men into the ring and Sabu makes the cover with 911 offering his hand for additional leverage or something.

Winner: Sabu

Even clipped this was a pretty good match. Awesome is the best and Sabu ’94 was really something else. 911 is good as an enforcer, where he can just manhandle guys at ringside but I don’t want to see him in actual wrestling matches.

Meanwhile in Paul Heyman’s Laundry Room…

Heyman cuts a promo on Awesome, who is on tour in Japan and apparently crying about how 911 cheated and choked him out to all the press. Heyman says if he wants the big man all Awesome need do is call 9-1-1.

Heyman they hypes up the RETURN OF SABU! Has Sabu been gone that long that his absence necessitates a RETURN OF SABU! promo? Didn’t he just lose the title to Taz like two weeks ago? I dunno. Anyway mark your calendars. April 16th…RETURN OF SABU!!!

Meanwhile Backstage…

Matty Indahouse shows up again to talk about Shane Douglas being the champ and then he throws it to the locker room where the champ is standing by.

Meanwhile in the Locker Room…

Shane Douglas is with Mr. Hughes and Sherri Martel celebrating his victory over Terry Funk. A parade of heel wrestlers show up to congratulate him on his victory including The Rockin’ Rebel, The Pitbull, Sandman and The Public Enemy.

Sandman is apparently a pimp now and declares, “You need a lady, I’ll give ya the champion discount. Twenty bucks.”

“Bargain basement prices!” opines Douglas, “Sherri do you have a twenty?”

The Public Enemy attempt to abscond with Douglas’ belt, but he’s no sucker and is like, “Gentlemen, my belt.” The PE return it apologizing and saying they confused it for one of their tag team straps since they look so similar.

Commissioner Gordon shows up looking disgusted. He congratulates Shane Douglas on his victory, not because he wanted to or because he’s happy that Shane Douglas won, but because the NWA Board of Directors ordered him to. With that congratulatory part of his job out of the way Gordon’s like, “THE CHALLENGERS ARE ALREADY LINING UP TO FACE YOU SHANE DOUGLAS!”

Douglas replies, “Bring them on,” and Sherri Martel loses her shit, “YEAH BRING ‘EM ON! BRING ‘EM ALL ON!”

Gordon’s like, “I’ve already got your first opponent ready…ROAD WARRIOR HAWK!”

 

Meanwhile Backstage…

Road Warrior Hawk cuts a promo saying that he’s been given the authority to take care of all the scumbags in Philadelphia…STARTING WITH SHANE DOUGLAS! He botches the tongue twister of “stack of stinky sweaty socks,” and growls a bunch to close out the show.

Final Thoughts

Kind of a weird show. No Joey Styles. Not much in ring action either. Oddly enough it was still a pretty fun episode. The Ultimate Jeopardy highlight package was well put together. The promos we got were generally pretty good, and the Mike Awesome match was rad.

The version on the WWE Network was pretty short (less than 30 minutes) so I wonder if this was just a short episode or they cut out some stuff.

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