“9-1-1! 9-1-1!” the crowd screams. Paul Heyman gives the fans what they want.
Match 1: 911 (w/ Paul Heyman) vs. Mikey Whipwreck & Paul Lauria
Double choke slam and pin in mere seconds. More choke slams come post-match. “Security” or ring crew guys hit the ring to try to get Whipwreck and Lauria out, but 911 choke slams the fuck out of them too. The crowd is absolutely losing their shit over this and the opening video rolls…
I still don’t get 911. Like I understand what he is and stuff, but do not get why he is so over here. He’s probably the most over guy on the entire roster which is just insane to me.
Meanwhile in the ECW Command Center…
Joey Styles welcomes us to the show and gives us a quick rundown of the matches we’ve got coming up and tells us that Shane Douglas will be joining him on commentary tonight, but is apparently running late, so let’s get down to the ring for action!
Match 2: Bad Breed vs. “Hitman” Tony Stetson & Johnny Hotbody
I guess Stetson and Hotbody have patched things up off camera if they’re pairing up again this week. Things quickly go to shit though when Stetson and Hotbody mistime something and collide into one another in the ring and begin bickering.
Axl Rotten is doing actual wrestling moves. It’s so weird to see. He’s busting out arm drags and drop toe holds and stuff. Stetson gets beat on and drags himself to the corner, but Hotbody refuses to make the tag. The Bad Breed wail on Stetson some more.
Hotbody eventually comes in and gets killed by the Rotten Bros. too. Ian levels him with a double arm DDT, but after he misses a dive from the apron to the floor, Hotbody gains the upper hand.
He hits a snap suplex out on the floor that sends Ian into the concrete and then they head back into the ring. Hotbody manages to hit a superplex but doesn’t go for the pin. He tags Stetson back in, but the two argue with one another. While they are arguing the Rottens switch places with one another. Stetson goes for the pin, but the fresh Axl Rotten schoolboys him for the win.
Winners: Bad Breed
Bad Breed should have won. The bickering and missed cues between Stetson and Hotbody was all fine to further this feud but I had two problems with this match. First their feud has progressed far enough that seeing Stetson and Hotbody teaming with one another seemed weird. “Don’t those guys hate each other?” I asked as they were shown in the ring. It could just be that the match was filmed prior to them hating each other so much and only now it’s just airing, or it could be bad booking. I don’t know!
The second thing I had a problem with was the ending of the match. The Rottens had dominated the entire match and the tandem of Stetson and Hotbody was not working well together so I don’t know why the Bad Breed had to cheat to win. They could have done the exact same spot without having them cheat by having Stetson and Hotbody argue, Ian crawl to his corner while they are arguing, make the legal tag, and then have Axl lay down as if he’s a superplexed Ian Rotten, but what do I know?
Highlights for Children!
Joey tells us about the ongoing problems between The Sandman and Miss Peaches and we get a highlight video of him declaring, “Life’s a bitch and then you marry one!” Peaches dancing “sexy” by an SUV and Sandman punching her out before we go to ring for action!
Match 3: Sandman vs. Chad Austin
Sandman is not in a wetsuit anymore. He’s rocking some Zubaz. Styles is incredulous that Sandman is no longer entering to surf music.
Austin gets nailed with an implant DDT and pinned in like 9 seconds. Afterwards Sandman hits Austin with another DDT. Miss Peaches shows up and yells at Sandman for being a cockmonger which causes him to twist her arm.
“The Sandman’s buddy,” Tommy Cairo shows up to try and deescalate the situation but Sandman punches him and hits him with a DDT too. Miss Peaches yells at Sandman and he leaves to raucous applause. “YAY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE! ECW! ECW! ECW!”
Someone apparently complained to the TV station or something because those fucking Nazi pieces of shit, the Bruise Brothers, have armbands covering their fucking Nazi tattoos.
They come out to the ring dragging Hack Meyers and Bob Starr down the aisle, beating the piss out of them as the do. One Nazi Fuck brings Bob Starr into the ring while the other beats on Hack Meyers on the outside.
Bob Starr eats a double big boot and the Bruise Brothers pick up the win. They fight Hack and Bob back to the locker room.
Winners: The Bruise Brothers
I hate those Nazi shitfuck Bruise Brothers so much. Thankfully this match was short.
Match 5: Kevin Sullivan & Tazmaniac (w/ Woman) vs. Public Enemy
This is a no DQ match so that means one thing: ECW style arena brawl! Sullivan and Rocco Rock pair off and Taz pairs off with Johnny Grunge. Sullivan continues to be fixated on damaging every penis in Philadelphia. Nailing Rocco with a hammer to the dick and crotching him on a guardrail.
After a few minutes of arena brawling, the Bruise Brothers hit the ring and start clobbering people. Sullivan picks up Rocco Rock for a slam but Taz eats a big boot and softly bumps into Sullivan and Rock causing them to fall over with Rock on top.
ONE! TWO! THREE! NEW CHAMPIONS!
Winners: The Public Enemy
Even with the goofy ending, this was a pretty fun brawl.The tag team scene continues to be probably the best part of Eastern Championship wrestling.
Meanwhile in the Parking Lot…
Jay Sulli attempts to interview the new Tag Team Champions, the Public Enemy, but they speed off in a car with their tag team belts like a pair of thieves in the night…
Kevin Sullivan, Taz and Woman are backstage. Sullivan claims to be angry, but seems remarkably calm. He’s like, “In ECW you can do whatever you want, so here’s Crash!” Crash is Crash the Terminator aka Hugh Morris from WCW. Crash growls a lot and the interview is over.
ROAD WARRIOR HAWK! THE PITBULL! ONE ON ONE! TONIGHT!
Some sick onscreen graphics flash this nonsense and that’s that. We go to the ring for the aforementioned one on one bout.
The Pitbull gets some early offense in, but Hawk no-sells everything. He gets whipped into the corner but comes flying out with a shitty clothesline and then hits the Doomsday Device to pick up the win.
After the match Jason kicks Hawk, but Hawk no sells that too. Jason press slams into The Pitbull.
The Public Enemy show up again (I guess they drove back to the arena) and start wailing on Hawk. This causes Taz and Kevin Sullivan to show up with pipes and attack the PE. Shane Douglas comes out of the ECW Command Center to join up with the PE and the Pitbull and brawl the former tag team champs and Road Warrior Hawk.
Terry Funk then appears with the world’s ricketiest ladder which he hurls into the ring. He pairs off with Douglas and they brawl to the back as the show ends.
This seemed really short. Something probably got cut from the WWE Network version of the episode which is what I watched. This was a decent enough episode if you like brawling. Oddly the least brawling match was the one featuring the guys who would go on to fight each other in a Taipei Death Match. Seeing Ian and Axl Rotten do actual wrestling is so weird and worth spending a couple minutes to check out…