Tonight’s show begins with a video hyping the Terry Funk/Shane Douglas feud and their upcoming match on March 5th before the opening video.
In the ECW Command Center…
Joey Styles is here to welcome us to the show and to be like, “Remember that big tag team brawl that took place last week in the episode you watched five minutes before this one because it’s 2017 and you’re binge watching this stuff on the WWE Network? No? Check it out!”
Highlights for Children!
We’re shown the tag team brawl as well as the Public Enemy promo that closed out the last episode before going back to Joey Styles who announces that on March 5th the Public Enemy will take on the Bruise Brothers in a falls count anywhere match with the winner going on to face the champions for the titles later in the night.
In the ECW Command Center…
Joey, once again, hypes the VHS for THE NIGHT THE LINE WAS CROSSED! and tells us that even if we are casual wrestling fans we cannot afford not to have this tape in our collections. His marketing is working and I’m thinking about ordering the DVD off Amazon since it’s not on the WWE Network.
We then go down to ring for action. MIKE AWESOME ACTION! AW YE YE!
Match 1: “Awesome” Mike Awesome vs. Mikey Whipwreck & Keith Shearer
Awesome’s facing a pair of jobbers in a handicap match. Oh wait, this is that match that they showed in that Mike Awesome highlight video from a the other week. Way to spoil that match guys. It’s seriously only like two minutes long. Why not have shown the match first and then show the highlight thing this week?
Anyway Awesome nearly kills Whipwreck with a German Suplex and then puts away both men by splashing them from the top rope and pinning them both simultaneously. Post match Awesome powerbombs Whipwreck just because.
Winner: Mike Awesome
I love me some Mike Awesome. I even liked WCW Mike Awesome, “Fat Chick Thriller.” So randomly putting Awesome in any sort of match is okay in my book. Even without Awesome this match would have been pretty fun. I wouldn’t want an entire card of big dude chucking around multiple little dude matches, but having a match like this on a card is a great little diversion.
Card Subject to Change!
We get a rundown of the matches signed thus far for March 5th. AW YE YE! Mike Awesome will be facing Sabu for the TV Title! Terry Funk will be taking on Shane Douglas in a taped fist match with no count outs, no DQs, not stoppage for blood match. Mr. Hughes will be facing Road Warrior Hawk. Plus the tag team bouts we heard about at the top of the show.
Seems like a pretty solid card, but it’s kind of weird that they just drop the stipulation thing for the Funk vs. Douglas match in an onscreen graphic with little fanfare when Tod Gordon made such a big deal about it last week.
Meanwhile In the ECW Command Center…
Joey Styles is joined by Johnny Hotbody on commentary for the next match. He talks about how hot a thirteen year old girl was causing Joey Styles to become poleaxed. They go to the ring where Hotbody’s tag team partner, Tony Stetson, will be taking on Don E. Allen.
“Don E. Allen…there’s some real top talent,” mocks Johnny Hotbody.
Way to shit on your competitors ECW…
Match 2: Tony “Hitman” Stetson vs. Don E. Allen
This is a pretty short squash match. Stetson attacks from behind before the bell before going out to the floor where he hits Allen with a suplex. Stetson yells for “Hotbody!” to which Hotbody replies, “I’m up here in the Command Center punk! Can’t you see me?” It is obvious that Stetson cannot, since the Command Center is not anywhere near the arena.
Back in the ring Stetson finishes off Allen with a flying forearm. He yells more for Hotbody and Hotbody mocks him for being so dumb that he can’t tell Don E. Allen and Johnny Hotbody apart.
Winner: Tony “Hitman” Stetson
Meh. Hotbody and Stetson are both kind of gross. I kind of want their feud to end with 911 hitting the rig and chokeslamming the fuck out of them both.
Match 3: “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka (w/ Hunter Q Robbins III) vs. Kyle Shearer
Joey Styles announces that a grudge match between Dreamer and Snuka has been signed for the 5th as the match gets underway. He helpfully reminds us that Kyle Shearer is the more aggressive of the Shearer Twins. Much like the graphic declaring Dreamer to be the only man in history to kick out of the Superfly Splash, I feel like Keith and Kyle Shearer being two different guys is complete bullshit.
Superfly locks on an endless side headlock and finishes Shearer off with a backbreaker and a Superfly Splash. While Superfly went up for the Splash, Tommy Dreamer came out and wrecked Hunter Q. Robbins’ shit on the outside.
Winner: “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka
Man was that a lot of side headlock action! This was a pretty mediocre match, but I guess it moved along the Dreamer/Superfly feud without having them fight which is a good thing and something WWE could learn from.
Jason is not wearing a suit! I have no idea what is going on. He cuts a promo on Hawk and says that Hawk made the biggest mistake of his life by agreeing to wrestle Mr. Hughes. He also mocks Hawk for getting his hair cut by a blind barber while he himself has a flattop mullet combo deal.
“The only rush you’re going to feel is when my roughneck, Mr. Hughes lifts you up eight feet into the air and slams you down.”
Meanwhile in the ECW Command Center…
Joey talks about what happened last week between Sandman and Peaches and says that Jay Sulli is standing by with Sandman to ask about what happened.
Meanwhile with Jay Sulli and Sandman…
Um…what? This is not Jay Sulli or Sandman. It’s Peaches dancing sexy beside a mid-range SUV parked in a driveway in a suburban neighborhood in the middle of the night. Good job editing ECW! I probably would have thought this was awesome if I’d seen it at age 14 in the pre-internet porn 90s, but now it’s jut kind of embarrassing.
Meanwhile in an Unfinished Basement…
Jay Sulli and Sandman are hanging out in an unfinished basement. Sandman is smoking a cigarette. Sulli’s asks Sandman what the F happened last week and Sandman responds by shit talking the Rockin’ Rebel. Sulli’s like, “No one gives a fuck about The Rockin’ Rebel! We want to know about Peaches! Where is she?”
Sandman’s like, “She’s at home doing the laundry…as for what happened that’s what she gets for sticking her nose in a man’s business.” We just saw the video Sandman, she is NOT doing laundry…
Sulli’s all like, “WHA WHA WHA WHAT?!” and Sandman smirks and says, “Life’s a bitch and then you marry one,” and then flicks his cigarette towards the camera. That was a pretty quick and thorough gimmick change from surf dude to wife beating asshole.
Match 4: Sabu (w/ Paul Heyman, 911, and Some Bald Guy in a Leather Vest) vs. Pat Tanaka
Sabu seems to be slowing things down in the early going of the match, but the pace soon picks up. Sabu spends the opening moments of the match diving at Tanaka’s legs only to have Tanaka flip out of the way. Lots of reversals in the early going. Tanaka gets Sabu up for a back body drop but Sabu flips out of it and hits Tanaka with a clothesline.
Tanaka goes to the outside and Sabu dives onto him. Tanaka gets whacked with a chair while 911 prepares a table on the outside. Sabu puts Tanaka on the table and heads back into the ring. He flips over the top rope, but Tanaka rolls off the table as Sabu connects. He smashes through it lands on the concrete floor below. It looks painful as fuck. ECW! ECW! ECW!
They go back into the ring and Tanaka smartly spends the remainder of the match targeting Sabu’s now ruined back. He drops Sabu and goes to the middle rope, but Sabu was apparently playing possum. He follows Tanaka up and goes for a hurricanrana but Tanaka hangs on to the ropes and Sabu lands on his face in the ring.
Tanaka comes off the second rope with a flying forearm and goes for a cover. Sabu kicks out at two. He Irish whips Sabu but Sabu reverses it and goes for a rana, but Tanaka nails him with a sit out powerbomb for two and twenty-five twenty-sevenths!
Sabu dropkicks Tanaka and then whips him into the corner. Tanaka looks dazed. Sabu hits a slingshot moonsault for the three count bringing the match to an abrupt close.
After the match 911 and Some Bald Guy in a Leather Vest hit the ring to retrain the TV Champion.
This was a pretty good match. Sabu and Tanaka worked pretty well together, though it was weird to see Tanaka have a more evenly matched bout with the former Heavyweight Champion than he did with Keith Shearer last week. The ending seemed kind of rushed but overall this was a fun, fast paced match and easily the best match of the night, though I wish it had gotten more time so the ending didn’t feel so out of nowhere.
Card Subject to Change!
We get one more rundown of the matches on the March 5th card to close the show.
Mike Awesome kicking ass and a pretty good main event this week make this one of the better episodes from this month. The Johnny Hotbody feud with Tony Stetson is pretty dire though and I cannot wait for it to be over and done with.