ECW’s got some new theme music I think. It’s kind of hard to tell since the audio on this episode is fucked. I had the volume on my TV almost maxed out and I could still barely hear anything. Anyway Joey Styles is in the ECW Command Center and I think gives us a brief rundown of whats to come before tossing it down to the ring for tag team action!
Match 1: Kevin Sullivan & The Tazmaniac (w/ Woman) vs. Keith Shearer & Mikey Whipwreck
The champions were just informed of the Sheik’s involvement in the tag team match on February 5th and they are pissed off. They hit the ring and just destroy the duo of Shearer and Whipwreck. Shearer doesn’t really do anything but Mikey Whipwreck gets his shit totally ruined. He takes a couple of chairshots to the dome and then Taz spams insane suplexes on him. Taz and Sullivan pick up the win after Taz nails Whipwreck with a sick German suplex off the top rope. After the match Sullivan has to be calmed down by Woman using that blindfold thing. Taz mimics what is happening to Sullivan again much to Woman’s dismay.
Winners: Kevin Sullivan & The Tazmaniac
Nothing really special, but a solid ECW style squash match. Dudes brawled on the outside and got hit with stuff before the champs picked up the win.
Match 2: Shane Douglas (w/ Sherri Martel) vs. Tommy Dreamer
This is joined in progress. I have no idea how much of the match was cut here. Dreamer works over Douglas’ arm for awhile, but Douglas takes control and hits some lariats. Tommy goes on a bit of a tear at the end and he gets Douglas in a roll up. Douglas kicks out and Dreamer’s sent into the ropes where Sherri Martel distracts Dreamer and the ref. She tosses Douglas a chain that he nails Dreamer with for the win.
After the match the ref asks Douglas if he used a foreign object. This pisses of Joey Styles. “You think he’s going to be like, ‘Yeah, I totally used a chain to level him?’ What are you dumb ref?”
Winner: Shane Douglas
One of the things I like about ECW at least at this point is everyone has a couple feuds going on. I can’t tell if that’s just because they show random matches out of order on TV or it’s a thing that they intentionally did, but Douglas is feuding with Funk and Sabu over the Heavyweight Championship, but he’s also got a feud going on with Dreamer because of all the times he’s blasted Tommy in the head with a chain.
Meanwhile in the ECW Command Center…
Joey Styles gets Shane Douglas on the phone. I have no idea when any of this stuff is supposed to be taking place. Was that match against Tommy Dreamer something that just happened or was that weeks earlier? Why is Shane Douglas calling if it’s the former?
Anyway I have no idea what Douglas said here due to the shitty audio. I’m going to assume it was like “That’s why I’m the Franchise! On February 5th I’m taking back what’s mine…the ECW Championship!” but for all I know he could have summarized a random episode of Seinfeld.
Following the phone interview we get a Shane Douglas hype video. It has him and Sherri standing about while fire explodes around them and bad generic riff rock replacing whatever copyright violating song they originally used. It’s got footage from matches, but most of that footage is stuff from the past few weeks that I’ve already seen. Meh…
Match 3: Johnny Hotbody vs. Chad Austin
Hotbody is heeling it up and working over Austin for most of the opening part of the match. At some point Matty Indahouse joins Styles on commentary screaming “MATTY INDAHOUSE!” For some reason he is the only thing in this episode whose audio levels are not non-existent.
Austin is bumping left and right, but goes for a backslide getting a two count. Austin has a bit of a comeback and Hotbody bails to the outside. Austin goes up top and hits a senton bomb to Hotbody on the outside. He is so goddamn loud and irritating. Styles says that he thinks Hotbody got knocked out and the match just kind of ends.
I have no idea why they just stopped showing this without so much as a “Yeah the ref counted both men out,” or anything. Chad Austin hits a big move…WE GOTTA GO!!!
Meanwhile in the ECW Command Center…
Joey Styles is joined by Matty Indahouse who is clad in a Flyers jersey. He’s ordering pizza and yelling to someone off camera about it and being annoying as fuck. Joey’s like, “Isn’t your job to interview wrestlers? What did you do this week?”
Matty’s like, “I interviewed some wrestlers about the upcoming heavyweight championship match,” and then goes back to screaming about pepperoni pizza.
Meanwhile in Paul Heyman’s Laundry Room Backstage (and Earlier in the Week)…
Matty interviews a bunch of dudes about who they thing will win the upcoming three way dance between Funk, Douglas, and Sabu. JT Smith goes with experience and picks Terry Funk, though it pains him to do so.
Jason says that the winner this weekend will be whichever new suit he decides to wear with the fans coming in a close second for getting the opportunity to see and like his suit.
Tod Gordon’s like, “I’m the commissioner, I can’t pick a winner!” The Rockin’ Rebel picks Douglas. The Tazmaniac replies, “him,” which Sullivan thinks is pure genius.
Paul Heyman looks like slob John Belushi as he comes out of the laundry room and gets ambushed by Matty. Paul’s disgusted that Matty would ask such a dumbass question and says that he’s going to find the person who runs the place and have Matty fired. YAY!
The Sandman talks about how all three guys caused him to lose the belt in the past so he hates them all but goes with Terry Funk because the Funker is crafty as fuck. Jason shows up and is like, “Worry about your double dog collar match with my Pitbull and my Rockin’ Rebel on February 5th.” Sandman goes on the attack, but JT Smith busts out of the laundry room to stop Sandman.
Meanwhile in Tod Gordon’s Office…
“Royal Rumble happened. A guy levitated and some other shit happened. Wasn’t that entertaining? The wrestling I grew up with wasn’t about entertainment. It was about guys fighting to see who the toughest guy in town was…and that’s what we do here in ECW! We put on fights to see who the toughest dudes really are!” Tod says before running down a bunch of the matches for the February 5th show to wrap up his promo.
Match 4: Public Enemy vs. Keith Shearer & Chad Austin
This is a weird match. It’s clipped which is nothing new, but instead of just giving us an abridged version of the match it occasionally cuts to highlights of the Public Enemy strangling Tod Gordon and getting put into a match against the Bruise Brothers from the week before.
Public Enemy pick up the win after Grunge hits a reverse DDT center ring and Rocco Rock comes off the top with a moonsault. Post match Rocco’s like, “That’s how you do a moonsault yo! Not this nonsense with putting a guy in the corner.”
Winners: Public Enemy
It was a pretty impressive moonsault, but otherwise just a clipped squash match.
Match 5: 911 vs. Duane Gill
The match begins with the man who would be Gillberg attacking before the bell. 911 catches him though and chokeslams the shit out of him and that stands on his chest for a three count. Paul Heyman crouches beside with his cellphone and says, “Better call 9-1-1.” FORESHADOWING!! 911 chokeslams Gillberg a couple more times for good measure.
This is how you build an unstoppable monster heel. I’m glad that as of late the WWE has seemingly remembered this fact and did a bunch of squash matches with Braun Strowman and Nia Jax before moving them into feuds with non-enhancement talent.
Paul Heyman is here hyping up the three way dance between Sabu, Funk and Douglas. It’s going to be a bad night for Funk and Douglas. Worse than if they found out their daughter fucked a guy in a car. Worse than if they stayed home and watched WCW PPVs. Oooooh! BURN!
Shitty audio aside this was another pretty good episode. I like Taz and Sullivan as a tag team and like Jason on the mic so this was pretty decent. I thought it was weird that they never showed the champ on the show before his big match, but what do I know about putting together a wrestling show for TV?