We’re in Cameron, North Carolina tonight for Total Nonstop Deletion. Senor Benjamin tells us (en Español) that we shouldn’t try this at home and Vanguard 1 informs us that no drones were harmed in the making of this event.
From there it’s time for a montage! Reby’s playing a piano. Matt Hardy’s in a dilapidated boat in the middle of a lake. Jeff Hardy is doing edgelord landscaping. Things are about to get broken!
A state of emergency has been declared in Cameron and residents are advised to stay inside while Total Nonstop Deletion is occurring since there is off the charts seismic activity going on. A reporter is standing by on the scene.
Meanwhile on the Scene…
There’s a goddamn active volcano going on and a local landscape enthusiast named “Itchweeed,” (yes there are supposed to be three e’s) gets interviewed. He sounds like Boomhauer from King of the Hill so I have no idea what he even said but he revs up a weedwhacker and scares off other people on the scene. C Z DUB! C Z DUB!
Meanwhile at the Hardy Compound…
We’re at the Dome of Deletion. The Hardys and Senor Benjamin come down to the ring. Senor Benjamin is rocking a satin Ribera Steakhouse jacket which is awesome.
Matt Hardy talks about how he has invited 50 his most loyal followers here tonight to witness history. He and Brother Nero have to take on all the greatest tag teams from throughout time and space or risk the line of Deletion being severed by the Seven Deities bringing destruction to the Land of Deletion but first the heir to the Hardy name, King Maxel will compete in his first bout of grappling.
Rockstar Spud’s music hits and he comes down to the ring. He’s pissed. “Your stupid son gets more TV time than I do and is more over with the fans than I am! I want a match so I can stretch a toddler!” he says.
Matt Hardy is like, “Ok, but since I’m booking things tonight I get to pick the stipulation and your match with King Maxel will be a no disqualification match!”
Match 1: Rockstar Spud vs. King Maxel (w/ Reby Sky)
Maxel comes out in a Mercedes Power Wheels thing with his mom and gets in the ring.
The bell rings and Senor Benjamin hits Spud with a taser, knocking him out. Maxel makes the pin and scores the win.
Post match the Disco Inferno is shown backstage asking if anyone wants to play poker (he apparently had been Matt Hardy’s pick for Maxel’s first opponent).
Winner: King Maxel
This is exactly what this match needed to be. Let the toddler win via shenanigans. As someone with a similarly aged child I wonder how many takes it took to get Maxel to make the cover.
The news anchor and reporter talk about how the city of Cameron has been locked down. He tosses it to the report on the scene.
Meanwhile on the Scene…
Shane Helms and the Helms Dynasty roll up in to the roadblock in a truck. They are labeled “local roughnecks” by the news channel graphic. The reporter lady is like, “You can’t go in there, there’s a natural disaster happening!”
Shane Helms is like, “I know a few things about natural disasters, so stand back! I’m coming through!” Nice.
The Rock n’ Roll Express arrived at the Hardy Compound. This makes me so happy since the Rock n’ Roll express pretty much were tag team wrestling. Matt Hardy greets them at the door and invites them in offering them meat and green beans. Ricky Morton declares, “I’ll have a beer.”
The anchor is taking bets on the upcoming Tag Team Apocalypto.
Meanwhile in the Dome of Deletion…
Sienna is in the ring. She declares herself the number one contender for the Knockouts Championship but the says she will put the number one contendership up against anyone willing to get in the ring with her.
This brings out Vanguard 1 but the ref is like, “There might not be a rule that says a dog can’t play basketball but there is a rule that a drone can’t wrestle a lady,” and puts the kibosh on Vanguard 1’s dreams of championship gold.
Vanguard 1 leaves dejected and Sienna’s like “Any person…”
The cut to a trailer outside from which ODB emerges, tits and ass hanging out. She makes her way down to the ring and the match gets underway.
Match 2: Sienna vs. ODB
The beginning of this is more or less an straight forward wrestling match until a ref bump occurs. While the ref is down, Sienna gets a steel chair, but ends up being the one who gets hit with it.
ODB makes the pin but the ref is still out. Vanguard 1, in referee mode, comes back out to make the count. The referee revives to stop Vanguard 1 at a count of two. The ref argues with the drone, “I’m the referee! Get outta here!”
Will the argument is going on shenanigans happen in the ring and Sienna makes a pin. The ref stops arguing with Vanguard 1 and slides into the ring to make the count. One. Two. Three.
Following her win Sienna leaves the ring. ODB rewards Vanguard 1 by shoving the drone into her cleavage.
Minus the stuff with Vanguard 1 wanting to compete and later coming in to make the count this was a pretty straight forward match which in a setting like Total Nonstop Deletion makes it weirder.
The Helms Dynasty wants to fight but Matt has a “pre-mo-nition.” He summons his scribe and declares that tonight we will see an appalling reincarnation.
Meanwhile in the Dome of Deletion…
We head back inside for Itchweeed’s in ring debut. Who’s Itchweeed you ask? Jeff Hardy in goofy raver gear…different goofy raver gear than he usually wears.
Match 3: Itchweeed vs. Chet Sterling
This match is being held under House Hardy Rules but not even the announcers are sure what that means. They talk about how the land they are standing on will be destroyed if the Hardys lose Tag Team Apocalypto as the action unfurls in the ring. Itchweeed puts a sleeper hold on Sterling and falls asleep himself. The crowd chants for him to wake up and Itchweeed revives at seven and puts Sterling through a table. He hits a Pesticide Elbow to finish Sterling off.
Post match Itchweeed takes a weedwhacker to Sterling. C Z DUB! C Z DUB! It’s played for laughs rather than an act of extreme violence though with Sterling’s ring gear being torn to shreds but leaving Sterling otherwise uninjured.
If you ever wondered what Jeff Hardy would have been like if he was a Chikara wrestler, this is probably as close as you’re going to get. It was a goofy match but one that was short enough to not wear out its welcome.
Previously on the Brokenverse…
They show the stuff with Matt and his menagerie. Spot monkeys. George Washington the giraffe and Jeff Hardy boxing a kangaroo. It’s delightful!
Back in the Dome of Deletion…
The fourth match of the evening gets underway as the first hour comes to a close pitting Eddie Edwards up against Bobby Lashley.
Match 4: Eddie Edwards vs. Bobby Lashley
This is for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. Lashley shoulders the champ in the corner to start. They head to the outside with Lashley shoving a fan, causing the audience to hold him back so Eddie chop him. Tape machines are rolling!
We return from the break with Edwards hitting a neckbreaker. He gets sent face first into the turnbuckle by Lashley a moment later. SNAKE EYES! Lashley works the ribs and the audience begins chanting, “You can’t beat him!”
Edwards fights off a superplex and nails Lashley with a missile drop kick. He follows up with a shining wizard that earns him a two count.
Lashley fights back and hits the Dominator for a two count of his own. The action spills to the outside where Lashley powerbombs Edwards into the crowd of Matt Hardy devotees. It looked rad.
The two brawl at ringside some more and then Lashley spears Edwards through a wall of the Dome of Deletion out into the wilds of Cameron this bringing to a close the actual wrestling portion of the show…
Winner: To Be Determined…
Up until the point where Lashley put Edwards through the wall this was an actual wrestling match. There were suplexes and clotheslines rather than sentient drones and wrestling toddlers. Sure they venue made it feel like it was taking place in some weird indie federation, but nothing about the match itself felt bizarre. All that changed the moment Lashley and Edwards went through the wall kicking off…
TAG TEAM APOCALYPTO!!!
The Dome of Deletion filled with smoke and the anonymous ring announcer (who sort of sounded like the announcer for Mortal Kombat) calling for everyone to evacuate the premises.
The audience flees the area as the teams for Tag Team Apocalypto made their way to the ring. The teams competing are as follows: the Hardys, Helms Dynasty, Rock N’ Roll Express, and Decay.
Match 5: The Hardys vs. Helms Dynasty vs. Rock n’ Roll Express vs. Decay
What does Tag Team Apocalypto entail precisely? It’s basically a falls count anywhere elimination match. Teams are eliminated from the Apocalypto via pinfall or submission.
The Dome of Deletion continues to fill with smoke and the teams head outside. Lashley and Edwards are still brawling outside so I guess that match is still going on.
The Hardys and the Rock n’ Roll Express are armed with Roman candles chasing Decay and the Helms Dynasty. Abyss bellows, “NO! NOT AGAIN!” as the fireworks explode around him.
Gregory Helms tells his dudes to get out of there and they jump into their truck and take off, but Matt is in the back attacking Trevor Lee as the truck barrels off into the night. King of the Road baby!
Jeff sees this and jumps on his dirt bike and tells a ref to get on with him. The ref protests, “I don’t have a helmet Jeff!” but Jeff isn’t having it, “Fuck a helmet man! This is Apocalypto!”
At the gates to the Hardy Compound a bunch of indie tag teams are waiting to join the Apocalypto. Decay are there cackling in delight as they open the gates and let the new challengers in.
At the Cameron city limits Matt tosses Everett into a road sign and earns a two count but Helms breaks up the pinfall attempt.
Back at the compound gates there’s a huge fight as random indie teams enter the Apocalypto only to be summarily dispatched by Decay. They were legitimately murdering people. As tag teams would enter through the gates of the Hardy compound, they would be announced by the Mortal Kombat announcer guy and then immediately destroyed by Decay.
Steve snapped the neck of the first guy he came across. This lead to one of the best lines of the night when one of the dudes waiting to enter the fracas declares, rather matter-of-factly, “Your boy dead.” This murder would not keep him from entering the bout later in the evening.
Rockstar Spud, not perturbed by his loss to a toddler earlier in the evening, is waiting at the gate for his partner to arrive. The Bravado Brothers show up and talk with Spud but he’s a dick to them.
Back in Cameron, The Helms Dynasty and the Hardys are brawling in the parking lot of an antique store. “I bet they sell your merch in there Matt…ON THE CLEARANCE RACK!” mocks Gregory Helms.
Back at the Compound a team the Mortal Kombat guy announces as The Ugly Ducklings enters the fray and is quickly dispatched by Abyss via a chokeslam. A team introduced as Showtime (I think they might have been the “Your boy dead” guys) enters the Apocalypto shortly after and is quickly dispatched by Abyss crushing one of their heads with a giant rock. The Bravado Brothers sneak in while this is happening. Spud is pretty much the only dude left so Decay point at him but at that very moment his partner finally arrives. Tape machines are rolling!
We come back to Spud declaring his partner to be a huge deal; a real monster of the ring. He is revealed to be Hornswoggle wearing a “King of Small Style” t-shirt. Decay just kind of shrug and let Spud and Hornswoggle pass.
Meanwhile at the Lake of Reincarnation…
The Helms Dynasty and the Hardys have at some point returned to the Compound and are brawling beside the Lake. Jeff takes a knee to the face and gets pinned for two, but Skarsgard the Dilapidated Boat makes the save and breaks up the pin. Yes, a boat either made broke up a pin on its own or was moved by Matt Hardy via telekinesis. I think it was the former rather than the later, because Gregory Helms’ response was, “Kick that boat’s ass!”
Everett and Lee begin kicking the boat’s ass, but Jeff knocks their heads together and then Helms gets dumped into the Lake of Reincarnation. He emerge in 3 Count fatigues (complete the dance pad) and he, Lee, and Everett dance (horribly). Helms is like, “WTF you aren’t Evan (Karagias) and Shannon (Moore)!”
Lee and Everett shrug and superkick him back into the lake. The Bravado Brothers appear and roll up the Helms Dynasty for two.
Meanwhile in a Four Sided Wrestling Ring…
The Rock n’ Roll Express have apparently been waiting in the ring since the Hardys abandoned them to fight the Helms Dynasty throughout Cameron. Apparently they don’t fuck around with six sided bullshit. They call out the Hardys and are like, “Yo Hardys are we doing this or what?”
They are doing it. The Hardys and the Rock n’ Roll lock up. It’s a lot of collar and elbow tie ups and armdrags and stuff like that before we go back to Edwards and Lashley brawling somewhere else on the compound.
The action is coming fast and furious now and we go back to the Helms Dynasty and the Bravados fighting as a referee emerges from a Porta-Potty to begin officiating. Everett hits a standing moonsault on one of the Bravado Brothers while the other Brother gets slammed into a wall. They all head back into the Dome of Deletion to keep fighting and we rejoin the Hardys and the Rock n’ Roll Express.
Ricky Morton and Jeff Hardy are in cherry pickers that are extended over the ring. Tape machines are rolling!
“Night of the Skywalkers!” Jeff Hardy exclaims gleefully as we return from commercials. Jeff, you dumbass, that was the MIDNIGHT Express, not the Rock n’ Roll Express. No one, except olds will even know what you were talking about though so it’s all good.
Ricky works Jeff’s arm as the volcano explodes in the background. Down in the ring, Robert Gibson works a spinning toehold. Matt gets out of the ring and uses the cherry picker’s controls to turn Ricky Morton away from the ring.
We quickly cut back to the Dome of Deletion to see Everett covered for two before going back out to the ring by the volcano. Jeff does a Swanton off the crane trying to hit a prone Robert Gibson, but Gibson rolls out of the way at the last second. A moment later Matt hits the Twist of Fate to eliminate the Rock n’ Roll Express. Ricky Morton is still randomly in a cherry picker.
Back in the Dome of Deletion, Spud and Hornswoggle go after the two downed teams with Hornswoggle swinging a chair. Spud eliminates the Bravados but Hornswoggle gets annoyed with Rockstar Spud’s incessant short jokes and when Spud goes up to the second rope, Hornswoggle powerbombs him and then nails him with the Tadpole Splash. Hornswoggle’s then like “He’s all yours,” and leaves Spud to be pinned the Helms Dynasty.
We cut to Bobby Lashley using his headband to choke out Eddie Edwards before rejoining stranded Ricky Morton. For some reason Road Warrior Animal shows up and is like, “RICKY MORTON WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING UP THERE?” Ricky Morton replies that it was some manner of rib and is once again abandoned to his fate.
Back at the gates to the compound James Storm and a bunch of dudes wearing DCC masks show up. Decay wrecks house on all the anonymous DCC guys leaving only Storm and one other guy. The guy takes off his mask revealing himself to be the guy Decay kept stealing trucks from. He gets dispatched instantly and before James Storm even realizes what has happened, the ref tells him to head back to the locker room.
James Storm is like, “I don’t even know who that guy is!” but the ref doesn’t care. DCC has been eliminated.
Crazzy Steve is like, “Let’s go find some more people so we can add to this pile of bones…” TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
The Hardys and Decay are fighting near the volcano as are Lashley and Edwards (because that match is apparently still going on too). The volcano erupts causing the combatants to stagger and fall.
Meanwhile Back at the Lake of Reincarnation…
“Stand back there’s a Tropical Depression coming through!” Gregory Helms emerges from the lake sporting his Hurricane attire.
“The fate of Cameron is in the Hardys’ hands!”
Back in the Ring…
The three remaining teams are all in the four sided ring. Decay and the Dynasty each take a Hardy to beat down. Everett and Lee haul Matt off to a graveyard of edgy Jeff Hardy symbols while Jeff stays in the ring to battle Decay.
Jeff has the upper hand for a bit but Janice is brought out and Jeff gets hit in the dick. Vanguard 1 comes in to make the save with more roman candles. Abyss gets nailed in the eyeball and Vanguard 1 is like, “BOOYAH MOTHERFUCKER!”
Out in the Graveyard…
Matt’s about to get brained by a shovel, but Hurricane flies in and makes the save. Together he and Matt Hardy pin Everett and Lee eliminating the Helms Dynasty from Tag Team Apocalypto. Hurricane and Matt then bury Andrew Everett and Trevor Lee in graves.
Matt declares, “Even the man with three Hs would be proud of how we buried this promising young talent!” He and Hurricane then look directly at the camera and give thumbs up. Outstanding!
The Man With Three Hs is feeling that burn…
Out on the front porch of Matt Hardy’s house Bobby Lashley and Eddie Edwards continue to brawl. Hornswoggle shows up and attempts to spear Bobby Lashley, but Lashley no sells it.
Abyss has recovered from getting a bottle rocket in the eye, but Vanguard 1 launches more fireworks at him and one of Jeff Hardy’s symbols begins to burn around him. They brawl in the ring of fire and Abyss get Matt back into the ring. Abyss is going to destroy Matt with Janice, but Matt gets the board and nails Abyss in the gut with it.
Steve and Jeff, meanwhile, fight near the volcano. Jeff nails Steve with a Twisting Stunner that sends Steve into the mouth of the volcano. The volcano erupts and sends Steve’s charred body flying into the ring. Matt makes the pin and the Hardy Boys retain the TNA World Tag Team Championship.
The Hardys celebrate with Senor Benjamin, Maxel, Reby and Vanguard 1. As fireworks (emanating from the volcano) burst in the air Matt says something about “the six of us,” to which Reby says, “seven of us.” Matt bellows “WONDERFUL!” and Total Nonstop Deletion comes to a close.
Winners: The Hardy Boys
The ending of this had me wondering if this entire thing was just a way for Matt and Reby to announce that they were pregnant.
Depending on where you stand on the entire Broken Matt Hardy thing this was either a delightfully madcap night of “wrestling,” or the worst thing ever. I, by and large, would be in the the first camp. While there was very little wrestling in Total Nonstop Deletion I thought it was one of the most creative things that’s happened in wrestling in a long time. The cameos were kind of fun and honestly, Matt Hardy’s insanity this year is what got me to look at TNA at all.
I do kind of wonder though where they’ll go from here since with Total Nonstop Deletion, Matt Hardy’s little corner of the TNA universe crossed over into the main non-Broken part of TNA. Was this the end of the Helms Dynasty? What happened with the Heavyweight Championship match? Will Hornswoggle and the Bravado Brothers stick around?
There’s also a part of me that wonders how this would have turned out if TNA had not found investors. Would they have had the Hardys lose and a volcano blow up everyone?
I don’t know!