We’re in Sheffield, England tonight for this exciting card of seven bouts of grappling. Our hosts for the evening are genuine British person, Lord Alfred Hayes, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and recent WWF hire, Jim Ross. Let’s get down to the ring for action!
Match 1: Brian Knobbs vs. Fatu (w/ Afa)
Fatu is a pre-giant ass Rikishi. Brian Knobbs is a Nasty Boy. Both are, at this point in their careers, generally tag team guys so I don’t know why this is a singles match.
Afa and Fatu keep attempting to perform some sort of ceremony but Knobbs is an asshole and keeps imploring the crowd to scream real loud which they are more than happy to do. I guess that makes Knobbs a face and Fatu a heel.
Knobbs gets in some early offense and more or less dominates the first part of the match but he gets distracted by Afa and Fatu takes control of the match. Fatu hits a slam on the outside and then it’s chinlock city baby!
Knobbs powers out of it and starts making a comeback but runs into a foot and Fatu (with Afa assisting from the outside) puts the Nasty Boy away.
Total Uncomfortable Ethnic Stereotypes: 2
This was pretty not good. Lots of headbutts and ugly brawling while Afa pulled weird faces on the outside. Someone in the audience had an airhorn they kept using which got old really quickly.
Lord Alfred Hayes interviews Doink the Clown. It’s Evil Doink. Yay! As shitty as Doink became, Evil Doink was pretty solid. Doink says some stuff and the Alfred Hayes tosses it back to, “Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby…uh…and Jimmy.” Bobby Heenan being the best quickly points out the gaffe, “Gorilla’s back in the States!”
Match 2: Doink the Clown vs. Kamala
Doink and Kamala get patted down before the match. Jim Ross states that this is the norm, though this is the sole time it happens all night. Doink has got a Steve Blackman Stick up his sleeve. He gets admonished by the ref and the match gets underway.
Doink works the leg until Kamala gets annoyed and avalanches him in the corner. Doink rolls to the outside and goes under the ring. He comes out the other side and sneaks up on Kamala. Being one week removed from WrestleMania IX with the “I’m seein’ double! Four Doinks!” spot in Doink’s match with Crush this causes Jim Ross to ponder, “Is that the same guy that was wrestling?” To which Bobby “The Brain” replies, “Yeah, the big black guy from Uganda.”
Back in the ring Kamala splashed Doink laying him out face down in the ring and then goes for a Cameron pin. The ref doesn’t count so Kamala stands up to argue with him. Doink catches him unaware and rolls him up for three.
Winner: Doink the Clown
Total Uncomfortable Ethnic Stereotypes: 3
This was a crap match from a workrate stand point but Evil Doink is great and it was a short match so it didn’t wear out its welcome.
“Mr. Perfect what are your feelings about the match?”
“Same as every match! I’m concentration and focused…something something Lex Luger!”
Match 3: Mr. Perfect vs. Samu m (w/Afa)
The beginning of this is basically the same match as Knobbs vs. Fatu with Mr. Perfect playing the part of Knobbs. He falls for all the same tricks that Knobbs did until he gets wise and goes after Samu’s leg. Like the earlier match Afa keeps interfering.
Samu does a lot of biting, chopping and throws Perfect to the floor a bunch but that’s about it. The match ends when Samu misses a diving headbutt, and Perfect just pops up and hits the Perfectplex for the win.
Winner: Mr. Perfect
Total Uncomfortable Ethnic Stereotypes: 4
This was one of the better matches on the card because of Mr. Perfect. The dude is awesome even in a throwaway match like this and he was over as fuck with the fans here.
Match 4: Bob Backlund vs. Damien Demento
All these years later I still don’t honestly know what Damien Demento’s gimmick was supposed to be. He dressed like the Warlord but had the “I Hear Voices In My Head They Talk To Me…” thing going on.
Bob Backlund’s in the midst of his mid-90s career Renaissance but isn’t “crazy” yet, he’s still just a guy who is legitimately good at wrestling.
This is again pretty much exactly the same as every match that preceded it. Demento clubbers Backlund about for the duration of the match and then at the end Backlund pushes Demento into the ropes and catches him in a snazzy rollup to pick up the win.
Winner: Bob Backlund
Why did these two fight? Were they feuding or was this a random one off match? Why did Demento’s cloak look like an animal attempting to swallow his head? So many questions…
Mr. Perfect is with Lord Alfred Hayes looking worse for wear. With Samu behind him he’s now got his sights set on Lex Luger and vows to stalk the narcissist across the European continent.
Match 5: Typhoon vs. The Brooklyn Brawler
Clearly this is going to be the match of the night. Typhoon tries to hit a drop kick. That’s about. Lots of rest holds and slow clubbering. Brooklyn Brawler stupidly tries to bodyslam Typhoon but that’s not working. Typhoon hits an avalanche and a powerslam and mercifully brings this match to an close.
Why was this more than two minutes? This should have been a one minute squash rather than a competitive back and forth bout of grappling.
Lex Luger looks good and says that he will end Mr. Perfect. If Mr. Perfect wants to watch his match tonight, that’s okay. Luger will have some insurance at ringside too.
Match 6: Shawn Michaels vs. Crush
It’s mullet vs. mullet in this battle for the Intercontinental Championship. Crush uses his power to get the advantage early on. Shawn bails and goes for a clothesline but it has no effect on the big man from Kona, Hawaii.
Crush charges Michaels, but Shawn tosses Crush out to the floor. The fight outside the ring for a bit and Shawn slams Crush into the ringpost. They go back into the ring where Shawn hits a succession of double axe handles. He follows up with a DDT that gets a two count but Crush kicks out.
Shawn takes Crush on a trip to Chinlock City, but Crush Hulks Up and gets out of the hold. Michaels goes for Sweet Chin Music but Crush blocks it and kicks Michaels in the face. He hits a leg drop but Michaels bails to the floor and the bell rings. He’s apparently been counted out.
Crush goes after him and drags him back to the ring and gives him the Kona Crush center ring. Crush then holds aloft the IC belt and gets a huge pop before it’s announced that since Michaels lost by count out he’s still champion.
I have no idea what’s going on with this card. A Brian Adams match was literally the best thing on the card.
Meanwhile In The Ring…
Bobby Heenan interviews Mr. Fuji and Yokozuna about the bullshit that went down at WrestleMania IX with Hulk Hogan. Fuji says he still thinks Yokozuna is champ because they never signed a contract or talk money or anything. Bobby Heenan agrees and that’s that.
Total Uncomfortable Ethnic Stereotypes: 6
Lord Alfred Hayes is with “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan talking about his upcoming match with Lex Luger. Duggan’s all like, “You might look like a bajillion bucks, but this isn’t a body building contest, it’s a wrestling match and I’ll fight you!” He then talks some shit about Yokozuna who apparently almost ended Duggan’s career.
Match 7: Lex Luger vs. “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Duggan’s out with an American flag and his 2×4. Yokozuna is still at ringside, apparently to watch Duggan. Duggan gets the U.K. fans to start a “USA” chant. Heenan calls them idiots and says that they must not know where they live.
Duggan knocks Luger out of the ring a few times, but Luger takes over with a clothesline from his “controversial elbow” (aka the “loaded forearm”). Luger then locks in a chinlock that lasts four and a half years and kills the momentum of the match.
Duggan fights out of the hold and the two men collide. Duggan falls out to the floor and while Luger distracts the ref Yokozuna sits on Hacksaw’s sternum and then rolls the half-dead Duggan back into the ring. Luger hits another controversial forearm and goes for the pin, but Mr. Perfect hits the ring to break up the pinfall causing Luger to win by DQ. Yokozuna comes and and helps Luger work over Mr. Perfect. They set him up for the Banzai Drop but Mr. Perfect rolls out of the way at the last second. Duggan hits the ring with his 2×4 and wrecks house on Yokozuna to close out this mess of a card.
Winner: Lex Luger
I’ve seen Luger have if not technically good at least fun matches, but this was just boring as fuck. The ending was pretty good and probably set up some sort of Duggan & Perfect vs. Luger & Yokozuna house show matches for the British tour they kept hyping during this.
Goddamn was this awful and the worst thing is that it didn’t have to be. The WWF had star power during this time, but here it so little of it was used. Instead we got a bunch of tag team dudes in singles matches and squash matches that lasted nine minutes.
The only redeeming things in this dumpster fire of a card were the Crush vs. Shawn Michaels match and Mr. Perfect being consistently awesome. Everything else was goddamn awful.