WWF WrestleMania X (March 20, 1994)

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Vince McMahon is in the ring in a tuxedo. He’s growly as fuck as he welcomes us to WrestleMania X and then introduces the original wild man of rock n’ roll, Marc Mero Little Richard to sing “America the Beautiful,”

Little Richard appears and does the song all slow jammy before redoing it with a gospel choir. The crowd looks bored as fuck but someone in the crowd begins waving an American flag nonetheless. It’s WrestleMania X y’all!

Jerry Lawler is out with McMahon. He’s shirtless sporting a cape and a crown botching his lame dad boner jokes while heaping praise on Yokozuna.

Match 1: Owen Hart vs. Bret Hart

Vince McMahon helpfully informs us that this is the first time WrestleMania has started with brother going against brother. Owen’s out first tearing up a pair of Bret Hart shades.

Bret’s out next giving a kid a pair of shades in the front row and then it’s game on. Bret and Owen do some Greco-Roman style stuff. Owen keeps bellowing, “I’m the best!” but he gets dumped through the middle ropes. Owen comes back in and slaps the taste out of Bret’s mouth and they go back to mat grappling.

Owen gets in some offense and they run the ropes. Owen ends up on the losing end of that exchange and gets clotheslined out the ring. He starts heading to the back but Bret follows after him and brings him back into the ring.

Bret gets in some offense but Owen mounts a comeback and starts stomping a downed Bret Hart. They go to the outside and Owen slams Bret’s back into the ringpost. Back in the ring Owen works the back more and applies a “submission maneuver (camel clutch),” Bret fights out of it, but Owen is all over him.

There are a couple pinning predicaments but Bret Hart is a tenacious motherfucker and kicks out at two ever time. More back and forth and then Owen hits a pile driver. He climbs to the top rope for a high risk maneuver, but Bret moves and Owen eats shit.

Bret makes a comeback hitting an atomic drop and a clothesline. Bret goes to the second rope and drops a knee on Owen’s skull for two. Bret argues with the ref and Owen comes back, trying to slap the Sharpshooter on Bret, but Bret counters with a Sharpshooter of his own which Owen counters.

Owen ends up on the outside and Bret goes for a cross body block over the top rope, but ends up jacking up his knee. Owen smells blood and starts wrecking house on Bret’s knee, smashing it into the ringpost and then locking on some sort of knee lock. Some more kicks to the knee and Owen slaps on the figure four leglock, but Owen won’t give up.

Bulldog from Bret! “They may be enough! One! Two! No! No…”

Top rope superplex from Bret! “One! Two! NO! No…”

DICK KICK CITY! Owen locks in the Sharpshooter. Bret reverses but Owen gets to the ropes to break the hold. Owen whips Bret into the corner but runs into a boot. Bret goes for a victory roll, but Owen steps into it and lays on top of Bret for the three count.

Winner: Owen Hart

This was a really decent bout; probably one of the best opening bouts of all times. I always liked Owen Hart as a wrestler and mid-90s Bret could have great matches with pretty much everyone so when he’s with someone who’s on his level it’s pretty much a guarantee that it’s going to be a great match. I personally like the steel cage match these two have during this feud at SummerSlam ‘94 better, but this match is pretty outstanding all the same.

Meanwhile Backstage…

“Let’s go backstage to Todd Pettengill with Owen Hart…”

Fuck…Todd Pettengill.

“Owen, do you think Bret still has a chance in his championship bout later tonight?”

“Todd, Bret’s a great competitor, but after the beating I just gave him he doesn’t have a chance in hell.”

Back In The Ring…

Howard Finkel’s Non-Union Mid-90s Mullet Guy Equivalent introduces the President of the Hair Club for Men, Sy Sperling. Seriously the Hair Club for Men dude is what passes for a celebrity in 1994 WWE.

Sy gets on the mic and introduces his latest success story…HOWARD FINKEL WITH HAIR! AW YE YE! The Fink is here ready to do some legit introductions!

Match 2: Bam Bam Bigelow & Luna Vachon vs. Doink the Clown & Dink the Clown

Doink sprays Sy Sperling in the face with water and the match gets underway before Doink’s entrance music even ends. Bam Bam is all over Doink. Doink makes the hot tag to Dink, but it’s lame WWE mixed tag rules where Luna has to come in any time Dink’s in the ring.

Luna’s in. Dink smacks her ass but then Dink gets kicked. Luna smacks Dink around a bit with Dink doing stupid “comedy antics.” Luna lays him out and goes up top, but Dink rolls out of the way. HOT TAG!

Bam Bam and Doink come in. Bam Bam wrecks house on Doink, clotheslining him out of the ring. Dink does stupid comedy antics while Doink’s on the outside. Doink comes back in and gets his shit wrecked. Bam Bam does falling headbutts on him a bajillion times and the does a diving headbutt from the toprope to get the three count.

After the match Dink kicks Bam Bam in the ass but Bam Bam laughs him off. Luna slams Dink and then she and Bam Bam go for a double team maneuver but Dink rolls out of the way so only Luna connects. Bam Bam goes after Dink but Doink trips him and then goes after Luna who bails. Bam Bam is pretty much like “Fuck this,” and rolls out of the ring.

Winners: Bam Bam Bigelow and Luna Vachon

Stupid face Doink is the worst. This was a shitty match that was sloppy as fuck and also not really fun. We didn’t even get a Bam Bam Bigelow manhandling a midget spot. Basically filler.

Meanwhile in the Audience…

“WHAT’S THAT?! HAIL TO THE CHIEF?! LOOK WHO’S HERE! FAKE BILL CLINTON SITTING WITH IRS AND JACK TUNNEY!”

Match 3: “Macho Man” Randy Savage vs. Crush (w/ Mister Fuji)

Fink informs us that this is a special attraction in which pinfalls count anywhere in the building and the Macho Man heads out to the ring. Mach high fives McMahon on the way to the ring. Vince tells us that pinfalls count anywhere but after scoring the pin the person has 60 seconds to get back to the ring before being declared the loser.

Macho Man attacks Crush as he makes his way to the ring, but Crush ends up wrecking Macho’s shit in the entrance area and pins him. Crush makes his way back into the ring. Randy slowly makes his way back to the ring and gets in at 2.

Crush continues to power through Macho Man and then gets a handful of salt from Fuji. Crush goes to throw the salt in Randy’s eyes, but Macho Man hits him and Crush gets a face full of salt.

Randy then runs roughshod. So many elbows from the top rope. Crush’s shit is ruined. Macho Man throws Crush out of the ring and pins him on the outside. Crush is out cold . Mister Fuji dumps water on Crush who gets back into the ring at 2.

The fight in the ring for a bit but after Savage gets back body dropped out of the ring the start fighting in the crowd and then out into the backstage area. Crush gets thrown through a couple doors and into some scaffolding and then pinned.

Mach ties him up to a pulley and hoists him up into the air and then heads back to the ring. Crush falls almost instantaneously. Randy comes back into the ring and pounds on Mister Fuji. Crush never makes it back to the ring.

Winner: “Macho Man” Randy Savage

This was a decent enough match for what it was and filled the same sort of role that the Hardcore Championship matches would serve on PPVs during the attitude era. That being said, if it had been like Crush and one of the Men On a Mission I don’t know if I’d have enjoyed this one so much.

Meanwhile With Todd Pettengill…

Fuck…Todd Pettengill and Fake Bill Clinton. This is so shitty. IRS is here and thanks Fake Bill Clinton for fake raising taxes.

Todd then tells us about Fan Appreciation Weekend or some such nonsense. Fuck off Todd Pettengill!

Meanwhile In The Paramount Theatre…

Macho Man is apparently in the Paramount Theatre where people are watching WrestleMania on closed circuit TV. He bellows “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!” and leaps into the audience. OOOOOOOH YEAAAAH!”

Match 4: Leilani Kai vs. Alundra Blayze

This is for the WWF Women’s Championship. Leilani Kai basically gets a jobber entrance. Alundra Blayze comes out next and gets ringpost pyro. As is pretty much par for the course Alundra Blayze looks smoking hot.

Leilani dominates in the early going tossing Alundra Blayze around like a rag doll. She goes for some pins but Alundra kicks out. So many dad boner jokes from Jerry Lawler. God he’s the absolute worst.

Alundra gets a brief flurry of offense and then hits Leilani Kai with a bridging suplex for the three count.

Winner: Alundra Blayze

This was match was really short and the champion looked like a chump for most of the match which is kind of a shame. Madusa deserves better. I mean I like Leilani Kai and don’t mind that she got offense in, but if you’re trying to rebuild your women’s division around a wrestler (which is apparently what they were doing with Alundra Blayze) don’t make her look like a punk in your biggest show of the year.

Match 5: Men on a Mission vs. The Quebecers (w/ Johnny Polo)

Men on a Mission are out first. Oscar is awkwardly rapping about “MSG” and “New York City,” and bellowing “WOOP THERE IT IS!” causing Vince McMahon to say “rock the house.” This rapping is so bad. It’s like mid-90s rappin’ granny on a sitcom levels of terrible, but things are about to get so much worse…

Meanwhile With Todd Pettengill…

Fuck. It’s Todd again. He’s backstage with Rhonda Shear of USA Up All Night. Shawn Micheals shows up and cockblocks Todd only to get cockblocked by Burt Reynolds. It’s pointless and we miss most of the Quebecers entrance because of it.

Back In The Ring…

Vince calls the Quebecers the Mounties but then is like, “NO! NO THEY’RE THE QUEBECERS!” To be fair both of them are dressed in Mountie uniforms so the confusion is understandable. Raven is their manager.

The Quebecers start off double teaming Mo and tossing him out of the ring, but Mabel double clotheslines the villainous French Canadians giving Mo a chance to get back in the ring. Mo gets back in and proceeds to get dominated by the Quebecers who work quick tags.

The Quebecers rock some decent double team maneuvers including an awesome spot where one of the Quebecers flips the other over the top rope onto a prone Mo.

Mo makes the HOT TAG! and Mabel shambles into the ring and hits some shitty clotheslines. The Quebecers do a shitty comedy spot where they try to suplex Mabel together but sprain their backs…because he’s fat! Get it! He’s a big fat guy!

They eventually get the job done though and suplex Mabel. The match pretty much falls apart after that with everyone brawling in and out of the ring then the bell randomly rings. Men on a Mission win by count out!

The Quebecers bail and Men on a Mission celebrate in the ring, holding aloft the tag team belts that they didn’t actually win since belts don’t change hands on a count out or disqualification.

Winners: Men on a Mission

This was kind of crap. Men on a Mission were not very good wrestlers and the ending was garbage. That being said, I thought the Quebecers looked pretty good.

Match 6: Yokozuna (w/ Mister Fuji & Jim Cornette) vs. Lex Luger 

Fink introduces us to our celebrities officials. Our celebrity time keeper in Rhonda Shear. Our celebrity ring announcer is Donnie Whalberg who promptly introduces us to our celebrity referee for the match: Mister Perfect! Mister Perfect hasn’t been in the WWE for some time apparently.

Yokozuna’s out first and some Asian ladies in kimonos give him flowers. Jim Cornette is dressed like a mariachi trumpet player for some goddamn reason. Lex Luger heads out second and Vince McMahon has a goddamn orgasm as Lex makes his way to the ring. I think Luger’s WWE entrance music sucks compared to his mid-90s WCW theme.

There will be another championship match tonight when Bret Hart goes up against whoever wins this one. They trade blows center ring for awhile until Lex punches Yokozuna out of the ring. They brawl on the outside for a bit with Yokozuna getting the worst of it.

Lex rolls him back in and then goes up top. Lex Luger hits a flying body press for two. Lex tries for a body slam but Yokozuna falls on him for two of his own. Lex has a hard time getting up and while Mister Perfect is distracted, Yokozuna takes the turnbuckle cover off.

Yokozuna gets Lex Luger in a Vulcan nerve pinch center ring.

“Yokozuna starts riding him!” says Vince McMahon.

“USA! USA! USA!” says the audience.

One hundred years later Lex Luger fights out of it and runs the ropes about three times before Yokozuna hits him in the gut and puts and end to that. Yokozuna pounds on Lex and then it’s back to the Vulcan nerve pinch.

Eventually Luger gets tossed outside, Mister Perfect administers a ten count but Luger’s back in. Back to the Vulcan nerve pinch. Lex is back to his feet but Yokozuna chops him and Luger’s down again. Back to the Vulcan nerve pinch. DOUBLE VULCAN NERVE PINCH!

Luger fights out and runs the ropes but gets caught in a body slam. Yokozuna goes to the exposed turnbuckle and tries to smash Luger’s face into it, but Lex blocks and hits Yokozuna.

Yokozuna gets back to his feet, but Luger’s all over him. Yokozuna’s staggering. Luger hit Yokozuna with the loaded forearm. Yokozuna’s down and Vince McMahon has another orgasm.

“PIN HIM! PIN HIM!” screams Vince McMahon.

Mariachi Jim Cornette comes up on the ring apron. Luger brings him into the ring by pulling on the rope and then lays him out with a loaded forearm. Mister Fuiji comes into the ring. Loaded forearm for him too!

Luger finally makes the pin, but Mister Perfect doesn’t make the count. Instead he goes to check on Cornette. Luger gets up and has words with Perfect and then covers Yokozuna again, but this time Perfect checks on Fuji. Luger gets in his face and then goes and covers Yokozuna again.

Perfect tells Rhonda Shear to ring the bell. She does so. Good job Rhonda Shear. The Fink tells us that the winner of the match as a result of a disqualification and still champion…Yokozuna.

“Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!” chants the audience.

Winner: Yokozuna

VULCAN NERVE PINCH! I understand why this was a rest hold heavy match since Yokozuna has to face Bret Hart later in the night, but that didn’t make it any less boring to watch.

Meanwhile With Todd Pettengill…

Todd’s backstage with Mister Perfect trying to get the scoop on why Mister Perfect did what he did, but before Mister Perfect can say anything Lex Luger comes backstage and gets in Mister Perfect’s face.

Mister Perfect is all like, “You can’t touch managers and you aren’t supposed to touch the referee that’s why I disqualified you!”

Luger is fucking livid though. “THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! THAT’S BOGUS AND YOU KNOW IT!” Screaming psycho Lex Luger is the best Lex Luger so I’m pretty alright with this though they never come to blows.

Match 7: Adam Bomb vs. Earthquake

Pre-match Harvey Wimpleman is in the ring insulting Howard Finkle. He the rips the the pocket off The Fink’s coat. Adam Bomb hits the ring and menaces the Fink so Earthquake runs out and clubbers Adam Bomb. The bell rings and Earthquake powerslams Adam Bomb, sits on him. One! Two! Three! Flawless victory.

Winner: Earthquake

Shrug…I don’t get it. If I remember my random mid-90s WWF Adam Bomb got the monster heel push for awhile, running roughshod over Virgil and jobbers to the stars of his ilk so to have him get squashed (literally) in half a minute seems kind of dumb, unless of course Vince just realized how bad Adam Bomb was and decided to cut his losses.

Meanwhile in the Locker Room…

Fuck. Todd Pettengill again. I hate this doofus’ face. Mariachi Jim Cornette appears with Yokozuna. Jim Cornette promos the fuck out telling Bret Hart Yokozuna is going to eat him. Yokozuna scowls and then yells, “Banzai!”

Match 8: Shawn Michaels (w/ Diesel) vs. Razor Ramon

Both men are apparently Intercontinental champs. Shawn had been forced to relinquish the belt, but never did. Razor won a battle royal to become the new champ. Tonight they’re going to determine once and for all who the one true champion is in a ladder match.

Shawn’s out first with Diesel. He strips, Vince McMahon is disgusted. I guess Shawn’s the heel tonight.

Razor is out next. Vince is all about it. “All the gold is dripping off his neck,” say Vince.

“And there’s something dripping off his hair too.” Fuck, I laughed at a Jerry Lawler dad boner joke.

The match gets under way with both men exchanging holds. Razor gets sent to the outside and leveled by Diesel who jaws with the ref afterwards. Diesel gets tossed from ringside. I don’t really understand why he got sent out since this is a match with “no rules.”

Back to the action, Razor clotheslines Shawn out of the ring. On the outside Razor Ramon rips the ringside padding up to expose the concrete but they go back into the ring.

Razor set up Shawn for the Razor’s Edge, but Shawn reverse it and send Razor over the top rope right into the exposed concrete. Shawn heads out to the ladder, but Razor comes to and punches Shawn out. Razor goes to bring the ladder into the ring but Shawn baseball slides it into him.

Back in the ring, Shawn uses the ladder like a battering ram and then uses it to beat down a prone Razor. Shawn sets up the ladder under the belts and begins his climb. Razor comes to and pants Shawn Michaels.

SHAWN MICHAELS’ ASS!!!

Shawn splashes Razor Ramon off the top of the ladder. He the climbs for the belts again. Razor’s up. He shakes the ladder and topples it sending Shawn Michaels into the rope. Shawn bounces like a superball.

They run the rope and do a double clothesline spot. Michaels is the first to move. He leans the ladder up in the corner and goes for an Irish whip, but Razor reverse it. Shawn goes face first into the ladder and over the top rope to the outside.

Razor slams Shawn with the ladder and the leans the ladder up against the ropes and slingshots Shawn Michaels into it.

Back in the ring Shawn get nailed with the ladder and flips back into the outside. Razor sets up the ladder and climbs, but Shawn leaps from the top rope into Razor, bring the ladder down on top of himself.

Both men are back to their knees. Their shit is totally wrecked. The climb opposite sides of the ladder. Top of the ladder punch out. Razor slams Shawn off the ladder and falls a second later.

Razor climbs again, but Shawn dropkicks it. Shawn superkicks Razor Ramon in the face. Shawn mimics Razor and looks like he’s going to do the Razor’s Edge, but just piledrives Razor instead.

Ramon’s prone in the middle of the ring, Shawn Michaels rides the ladder down on top of him from the corner and then sets up the ladder on top of Razor.

Razor comes to and kicks the ladder. Shawn falls and crotches himself on the top rope and then gets tangled in the ropes. Razor climbs the ladder and snags the Intercontinental Championship belts a second before Shawn Michaels get himself free.

Winner: Razor Ramon

This match is fantastic. Hands down the match of the night. I mean I’ve seen hundreds of ladder matches at this point in my life and this one still holds up as one of the best. I can only imagine how great this must have been for an audience that hasn’t seen dozens of Money in the Bank matches or TLC II from WrestleMania X-Seven.

Meanwhile Backstage…

The heel team for some sort of upcoming ten man tag team match are bickering about who gets to be the captain of the team.

“Well, I guess we’re not having the ten man tag team match,” says Vince McMahon, “Let’s go to Todd Pettengill in the Presidential box…”

Fuck me.

Todd Pettengill is with Fake Bill Clinton who is hanging out Real Ted Dibiase. The Million Dollar man utters his catchphrase and the segment’s over.

Recap Package…

We get a highlight package of Bret Hart being awesome set to generic riff rock. This transitions into a package of how awesome Yokozuna is.

The WWE would get so much better at pre-match packages for PPV matches. This one is pretty much trash.

Match 9: Yokozuna (w/ Mister Fuji & Jim Cornette) vs. Bret Hart

We get introduced to our special guest celebrities for this final contest. “Our guest timekeeper is Kelly on Beverly Hills 90210 and our guest ring announcer is a famous actor currently the star of Evening Shade…BURT REYNOLDS!”

Burt’s casted up. Vince makes some joke about muggers. Burt shouts, “I’m happier to be here than you are!” Burt introduces the special referee for the match Rowdy Roddy Piper!

Yokozuna’s out first. The same Asian ladies give him flowers again. I wonder if the flowers are the same as the first time.

Bret limps out second, but Yokozuna attacks him before he’s even through the ropes. Yokozuna pounds on Bret and the chops the fuck out of him. Bret gets in some offense, punching Yokozuna and hitting a dropkick, but Yokozuna doesn’t go down.

Piper gets into it with Yokozuna. Yokozuna goes for a big splash, but Bret moves out of the way. Piper’s doing a right down the middle thing. Bret headbutts Yokozuna and both men go down.

Bret’s throw out being the excellence of execution and goes with clubbering. Bret takes Yokozuna down and goes for a pin, but Jim Cornette pulls Piper out of the ring to stop the count. Piper decks Cornette and knocks him out cold.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH!

Yokozuna goes for a Hogan legdrop and connects. Bret’s in a bad way. He gets tossed out and Piper administers a ten count. Bret gets back in with a second remaining, but Yokozuna’s all over him.

Yokozuna goes for a splash in the corner but misses. Bret hits him with a bulldog for a near fall. Bret goes to the middle rope and hits a knee to the head for another two count.

Bret goes back to the second rope for something but Yokozuna catches him with a belly to belly slam. Yokozuna drags Bret to the corner for the Bonsai Drop, but he slips and falls off the rope and hits his head. Bret rolls him up for three and becomes the new WWF World Heavyweight Champion.

Piper bails and Yokozuna gives chase as Bret lies center ring with the championship.

Lex Luger comes down to the ring and shakes Bret’s and the holds Bret’s hand aloft. Piper comes back as do a bunch of the faces, Burt Reynolds and Rhonda Shear. Donnie Wahlberg and Gorilla Monsoon are there too.

From the aisle we see Owen Hart glaring at his brother, the new WWF Champion.

Winner: Bret Hart (New Champion)

These two had the unenviable task of following one of the greatest WrestleMania matches of all times, and to do so after already wrestling earlier in the night. They did a decent enough job and Bret Hart became champ which is cool, but for me the entire thing was overshadowed by his early match with Owen which was just miles better than this.

Final Thoughts:

As far as New Generation Era WrestleManias go, this one is probably the best. The Bret vs. Owen match and Michaels vs. Ramon matches are both classics that are as fresh and exciting to watch today as they were as they happened. Most of the other matches on the card are decent enough or at least are short enough that they aren’t unbearable.

Probably my only big complaint about WrestleMania X is the god awful fake Bill Clinton shit and tha fartknocker, Todd Pettengill, sucking it up way far too often.

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