Some shitty circa 2000 rock radio rock blares and a voice over guy declares, “Good morning WWE Universe! We have a sick show for you today!” So let’s strap in and see precisely how sick this show is!
Our announcers today are Josh Matthews and Dolph Ziggler (wearing a blazer and wrestling trunks). They give us a brief look back at the history that exists between the first two opponents: Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel.
The two men debuted in Nexus and had actually won the Tag Team championship together on several occasions but broke up because Heath Slater wanted to form a band and according to Josh Matthews, Gabriel was “not musically inclined.”
That’s as good a reason as any for two dudes to feud, so let’s get to the action!
Match 1: Heath Slater vs. Justin Gabriel
Slater comes out first with Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre. Josh Matthews tells Dolph that he should join 3MB as a drummer which Dolph laughs off. Justin Gabriel comes out next.
3MB start playing air guitar in the middle of the ring before the bell rings. The ref has had enough of their shit and boots Mahal and McIntyre from ringside and the match gets under way. Dolph declares that Slater might be off his game due to the departure of Mahal and McIntyre like when a guy leaves a band to go solo, because that never works out.
There’s some back and forth between Slater and Gabriel. Gabriel eventual gets the upper hand and takes a moment to mockingly play air guitar in Heath Slater’s general direction before doing some break dance move.
Slater’s pissed and dumps Gabriel out of the ring and we go to commercial. TAPE MACHINES ARE ROLLING!
We come back from a commercial break with a “Don’t Try This At Home,” public service announcement from Heath Slater where he says he’s happy everyone wants to play air guitar like he does and says something along the lines of, “Yeah, go play air guitar like me, but don’t try to superkick your friend in the jaw.” Probably the most half assed “Don’t Try This At Home,” of all time.
Slater’s in control now and gets Gabriel in an arm bar and plays air guitar across Gabriel’s abs. Is this okay to try at home? Does the air guitar part negate the air bar? I don’t know!
Justin Gabriel, having trained at the Cobra Kai Dojo sweeps the leg (Johnny!) and then follows up standing shooting star press into a pin. Slater kicks out. Gabriel follows up with a body splash from the top rope and goes for another pin attempt. Again Slater kicks out. Finally Justin Gabriel hits the 450 splash for the three count.
Winner: Justin Gabriel
This was a pretty fun match. I’ve always like Heath Slater on Main Event and stuff. He always seems like he’s having fun regardless of his position on the card. Here he heeled it up delightfully. The arm bar air guitar bit was great. Justin Gabriel, too, is really good and I was kind of sad when he left the WWE, but he seems to be doing alright for himself in Lucha Underground so good on him.
Match 2: Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes
We’re back and straight into our main event for the morning. Sheamus is out first all pale and fella-y. He’s got what appears to be a giant stab wound to his chest. I have no idea what that’s about.
Cody Rhodes comes out next. Fuck yeah! MUSTACHE CODY RHODES! Mustache Cody Rhodes is maybe my favorite Cody Rhodes of all. Seriously he got the gimmick of “I have a mustache,” over and the WWE wouldn’t let him stop being Stardust and instead just let him go? What is wrong with them?
The match beings with Josh Matthews informing us that Cody Rhodes won the spelling bee every year in elementary school up to fifth grade. That is an amazing Cody Rhodes fact and I now see why he got to be in the Rhodes Scholars tandem with Sandow.
The match is your standard power versus speed bout. Cody, being the heel, does a lot of hit and run stuff where he’ll hit one move and then run to the outside and make Sheamus chase him.
Sheamus eventual gets the upper hand after pulling on Cody’s mustache. He goes for the pin but Cody kicks out. Ziggler opines that perhaps it was the mustache that actually kicked out.
Cody goes for a short-arm scissors, because apparently on Saturday Morning Slam attacks to the head and neck are verboten and thus dudes have to use random holds that haven’t been seen since Jim Crockett Promotions circa 1984. Sheamus fights out of it an a moment later hits the White Noise for the win.
This was another pretty decent match. Lots of mat work here which was a nice change of pace from your standard WWE fare. Cody Rhodes was so good.
It’s weird that the random Saturday morning show for kids probably has better wrestling than whatever was on Raw or Smackdown this same week. I’ll more likely than not end up watching the rest of the Saturday Morning Slam episodes that exist because I’m an old man apparently and miss the sort of wrestling that existed on WCW Saturday Night and this is pretty much that: low to mid-card guys wrestling wrestling matches with bare bones storylines that have little to no impact on “the big shows.”